Lack of sex with PA (sigh)

[timetoheal]

Ladies, I am really struggling. My hubby hasn't touched me in two weeks and is coming up with all kinds of excuses not to. Granted I was on antibiotics for an eczema infection for 10 days but once I got my monthly and knew I was safe I thought surely after that time period he'd be raring to go--NOT!

I feel like I'm being forced to be celibate. I get told I shouldn't complain about the lack of sex because for him to not look at porn, he tries not to think of sex PERIOD. It's disappointing as we've only been married a little over a year and long dry spells are not what I expected so soon if you get my drift. I almost feel like if he can't get stimulated by porn, he doesn't want to touch me. I keep hearing from him how after 40+ years of looking at the images, the M, etc. it's hard for him to get a visual. That makes me feel like I'm not enough for him. I'd handle it better if he were making remarks about me being overweight but it seems insulting that if I even HINT about wanting sex, it now TURNS HIM OFF and makes him not want to have it. What if I operated on that mindset? I would have HELL to pay for denying him my DUTY.

So now I don't mention it and I find ways to BUSY myself when he's home on weekends to make him wonder what I am doing that I no longer peek in on him in his office where the PC is like I once did. Now he comes to me and I'm vague about what I'm doing--not mean..just kinda indifferent..like you go do your thing and enjoy your time alone and I'll enjoy mine and if you feel like paying me attention, come out of the office and show affection and I'll reciprocate.

I have been on my knees a lot over the weekend and in tears. My first husband, now deceased, was impotent most of the ten years we were married where short of an implant he'd never have sex with me again. I don't want to be doomed to another man having complete control on when I have sex again, if ever. Why do these PA do this to us? We're supposed to jump when they want it and when we initiate it's a TURN OFF?

Just had to vent. Hopefully things will change soon. I work days and he works nights so if nothing changes over the weekend I guess there goes another week! He's worked lots of overtime lately and it just makes me question if he was really at work or out getting a "fix" since I watch his PC at home.

[dray]

I know just what you mean, and I feel your pain. My boyfriend never seems to desire me at all, just porn. I feel so unloved, unwanted and unattractive...I can't help feeling that way, even though I know it's not me. I also feel forced into celibacy and never expected to be in a sex-free relationship with him. I cry and pray a lot too. I don't want to be celibate forever. If I didn't love him and still desire him I would be gone already...I'm still here but getting very tired of living without lovemaking. It makes me so sad. I don't know how to help this, but you're not the only one feeling this way. I hope things get better for you soon.

[Toria]

Hello TTH,

You are not alone. I could count on one hand how many times my boyfriend and I have had sex this year, but the number of pictures and videos he had downloaded was totalling the thousands - doesn't seem fair does it?

I used to get very upset about the sudden change in him and would try to right the situation by buying provacative underwear, dressing out of character and trying to initiate any kind of physical contact at any time. None of these things worked.

My advice is to always remember that the PA is his problem, not anything to do with you. He loves you enough to have married you and you obviously love him too because you are here trying to help him quit.

Maybe he doesn't want to upset you, maybe he is nervous, maybe he thinks that you are angry and not interested in sex, or maybe he is trying his best to keep all sexual thoughts out of his mind. I don't know your husband and I don't think I'll ever know my own BF's reasons for not wanting sex with me.

Although I know first hand how hard it is for you, I also think it must be confusing for him too. Half of the time I'm telling my BF that he doesn't show me enough affection and then the other half I'm telling him that he looks at me like a piece of flesh and not a real person.

Give it time, and I hope that both of you will be ready to start re-building your physical relationship soon.

I wish you all the best.

Toria x

[apachedove]

I have been going through this for the last 4 years. Now it seems he wants and needs his porn more then me. We go for months at a time that he has nothing to do with me. Once in a great while after viewing porn for an hour or 2 he might make a move towards me, and then I feel like it's a duty. He has also gone towards the point of only wanting M or oral from me. I refuse so now he takes care of himself.

I also found where he has many email accounts, joined sex dating sites, and has porn on his cell phone. After many years of fighting about this I have just given up. He refuses to admit there is a problem, instead I get the blame. He says I'm a prude and so close minded, or its only pictures and it's not hurting anyone.

One of these days I'm going to loose it and smash the pc with a hammer and then his phone.

I'm tired of being made to feel dirty, ugly, and useless.

[Jacinda24]

Well Ladies I just don't know. I'm quite frustrated myself. The P has been gone for a while now, I have k-9 web protection on both computers. He is aware of this, and well-he doesn't look up P. I check every day. It's taken a long time to even get to this point. Then, there is the lack of sex. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow after a dry spell of 2-3 mos. I've been feeling so wonderful the past two weeks, but tonight i realized i'm beginning to feel depressed again. He has made no effort towards physical contact. I honestly feel if he's not viewing P-then he should be much more sexually interested in me. Ugh. I'm starting to feel lousy again after i spent the past two weeks on a cloud. You should have seen me. I've been so wonderful. Weve been so good as a couple. spending time together, laughing together-just living life together
(minus the sex!) It's always so disheartening, my poor aching heart. I stand corrected, This entire community of women's lonely aching hearts. May God bless us all.

[Tired...I think....]

Now, this may come off as harsh, but hear me out.

While P is definitely harmful for your relationships, keep in mind that P may be an effect of a relationship gone bad than it is the cause of making a relationship go bad.

What I mean by that is that, while most men--and probably women, judging by the thousands of sex toys out there for women--MB on a regular basis, for a man to completely disengage from his partner, there must be something wrong in the relationship. And I'm not blaming the "victim"--you guys in this situation--but am blaming the relationship.

While women may think we, men, will sleep with anything with a pulse, it's not true. We can be turned off by some things that women are known for, e.g., nagging, talking during a game, not doing things sexually that we'd like, etc. Mind you, what we consider nagging may differ widely from what a woman thinks :) Those things can actually affect our lower regions. And then it becomes what we think about you, which can make the sex not as appealing.

And, of course, that variety thing is nothing nice. To be with one woman sexually for the rest of one's life (might be the same for you guys toward men) is rather a dismal thought. Now, to be with a woman as a partner for the rest of our lives is a beautiful thought.

What I mean by partner is the exchanging of services between a man and a woman when they come together. I'll speak in traditional sense, but as we all know, that's changing rapidly. A man brings the security--both physical and financial--and an ear for when you all want to talk. A woman brings the comforting, the sexual release, the alleviation of loneliness (the one that's in us, as well as the one that society tags on us single dudes). A man will generally retain that financial security; and though the physical security will decrease over time, it's still useful. A woman will always have that comforting bug, as well as be there to alleviate the loneliness; however, the sexual release may wane. We, men, are visual creatures (as I'm sure you're aware), so while we may still be totally in love with you, the sexual aspect of it may not be there. So, in order to fulfill that, we may turn to the P and hope you'll stay around to provide the comfort and alleviation of loneliness (and whatever else positive you add to his life). I sorta liken it to how a client such as Home Depot may use one main company for most of its advertising, but will use a smaller company to fulfill a section that the main company either doesn't have, or is slim with the particular knowledge needed. But you definitely want to keep that main company; besides, you've been with it for forever. They've become to rely on you, and you've become to rely on them. And it's comfortable.

There's a book you all should read. It's called The Re-education of the Female. It's pretty good. And I think it hits a lot of nails on the head.

Sorry for the ramble. And I hope some of it makes sense (off the top of my head, pretty much) :)

[apachedove]

I will be the first to admit that my relationship stinks! 5 years ago my little boy passed away, I locked myself in the bedroom. He didn't notice what I was going through, he was to busy with his porn and phone sex, which he didn't think I knew about. When he wasn't on the computer he spent his time with his idoit friends, laughing and having a good time. After 3 months he just couldn't understand why I became so cold and stayed to myself. DAH

Well the porn got worse, so yes I tried with the sexy night clothes, but nothing. Still more porn, on to the teen sites, then the sex dating sites. I thought go to it rot your brain, next came the constant M, which yet again he thinks I know nothing about.

It has come to the point that if he touches me or even looks at me I feel dirty. I just don't care anymore. Nothing I said or did about the porn mattered he just kept watching it more. But, omg it's me that has the problem not him, he's just doing what men do.

And about the sex well things have really changed over the years because of his addiction. No more hugs, kisses, anything. All that matters to him is that he feels good ! I gave up when he started bringing what he saw on the sites to the bedroom, trying to act out things, thats when I finally figured out what he was doing on the computer!

And wonder why I'm crazy, and keep to myself, gee I don't know.

[brokensoul]

have read these last post over and over
i need to but some deep thoughtsinto both sides of this
the points that are being put forward are hitting home to me
i have some things to but out there

[lovesherman]

God there are just so many of us. How could this have happened... my daughter called the internet "Pandora's Box." She is so right. I haven't even told my PA that I know about his addiction... and I keep snooping and snooping. At first I thought it was a possible physical problem (hes only 51 but still...) then I discovered he was MB because of the many discarded tissues in his rubbish barrel. THEN I found the porn. I have known for a few weeks now and it is absolutely killing me. He is moving in with me next weekend. He throws me the obligatory sex on the weekends, and I'm supposed to be happy evidently. I am always the one who initiates and he is so not there. There is mechanical sex... no emotional with him. He barely touches me and I am sick over this. I'm so sorry for all of us. We don't deserve this, but I don't think they would have ever gotten into this if they knew what the outcome would have been for them... or us. God bless all of us. Maybe someday there will be an answer, until then its THEY who have to work on this and if they aren't willingor dont want to, there is nothing we can do.

[Rowlf]

, until then its THEY who have to work on this and if they aren't willingor dont want to, there is nothing we can do.

Dear Lovesherman,

Hope I'm not out of line, but wanted to gently call you on this statement. You do have power over all of your actions and choices. No, you cannot change anyone else. But you can live your own life fully and well.

I was really wondering if it's the right thing for him to move in right now, when his PA is causing you a problem. And presumably will be a bigger one when he moves in. Obviously I don't know, but from the tone of your post it doesn't sound the most healthy move for you, and you've got make the best choices for you and support him in making his own best choices for himself....

I hope it all goes well.