Sick of the Lies

[dray]

My partner claims to be porn-free for one month, but I'm not too sure. He agreed to counseling with me but won't follow the counselor's advice. He agreed to putting porn-blockers on 3 computers, but has already deactivated one. He also has 4 other computers with no porn blockers. Today he said that I have no right to judge him, I'm not his mother, I can't tell him what to do, etc. I'm giving up hope. I can't live like this. My heart is breaking and I keep telling myself to leave. I feel like he is being very cruel to me. Thanks for listening.

[Dominus]

Give him an ultimatum, the porn goes or you go. Nobody should have to contend with that kind of mentality. Unless he is very willing he won't change.

[Glass_of_water]

When this happened in my situation, I told hubby that he can continue to use P as much as he wants because I am not his mother, he just can't be with me and use it. (I also said other things which shouldn't be repeated and I am not so proud of, because I was hurt, angry, confused and lost).

At that point I was ready, and I was serious about leaving.

He has been P free for about 4 months now and his whole thought process has changed.

He is much happier and more confident now.

And I am becoming much happier and more confident also after our struggles with p.

I hope you find a way to resolve this with your partner.

[Avegan]

You may not be his mother, but you are his partner and the one who loves him. Ask him if he would rather have P than you, because at the end of the day you can't keep being hurt, i know the pain well. He is being cruel to you, and putting his pleasure above your pain. I hope you work things out. x

[Toria]

Hi Dray,

I hope that you're ok. Have you spoken to your OH yet about an ultimatum?

Maybe he doesn't know how to stop and is scared. My Bf would often get snappy at me because his 'secret P bubble' had burst and he was ashamed. Have you thought of showing him this site and some of the PA journals.

That way he will learn that although not everyone can quit first time of trying, the process will make him a better person. (I'm sure all the PAs will agree with me.)

You are a strong person for going through this, and everyone here is behind you.

I look forward to hearing from you and wish you all the best.

Toria x

[dray]

Thanks to all for responding. I gave my partner an ultimatum and he's agreed to join a 12 step program for SA. He's joined this site and is reading other material about the effects of P and taking a few baby steps towards recovery. However, he removed the porn blockers from all the computers and often uses one alone, which is of course very disturbing. He doesn't say he loves me anymore and doesn't want to touch, kiss or hug. He says he wants to be "friends"...I have been a true friend to him through all of this, but I guess what he means is we will have no sex life at all. I'm terribly sad and grieving...my self-esteem is shattered and actually I can barely move. Right now I'm trying to take some steps to help myself, like joining COSA, looking for a therapist for me, talking to friends and counselors about this, spending time on this site and trying to understand that the problem is not me. I was a self-confident, happy, trusting person with a "normal" sexuality when I came to live here, and I can be one again. It will just take some time.

[Toria]

Hi Dray,

It was so upsetting for me to read how this is affecting you, I remember those feelings very clearly, and I hope that you begin to feel better.

You have done well to make him at least try to quit, he has agreed to the 12-step program and to look at this site - that has got to be a good thing, right?

As far as the blockers being removed is concerned, after reading a few discussions on them in the PA forum, some of the guys there felt that they needed to quit without them. They need to be tested fully to gain self control, obviously, I don't know really but it's just an idea.

I have read your post in another forum about lack of sex and my advice to you is that if he has asked you to be a friend, whatever the meaning, maybe you should try it. If at the moment he needs to concentrate on getting P out of his life, he may be worried about how sex may affect him. Try for a while to be as big a support as you can be (and sometimes that means tough love), that is what he has asked you to do and you may see benefits. My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in a loooong time, but since I've taken the pressure off and tried to just stand by him a lot of our relationship has returned, he is far more affectionate, the lying has stopped, he doesn't get annoyed with me over tiny things and for the first time ever in our relationship he told me that he loves me (this was a big thing) - I hope that sex will be the next thing to return to us and I'm sure it will for you too.

I'm glad that the end of your post was hopeful, even though that hope may have been knocked recently, keep hold of it.

I hope that things begin to improve for you and your partner.

Toria x