Plunged into an alien world

[ghostslayer]

Mine was a recent discovery, just 3 months ago. He said it was nothing. he could take it or leave it.............and leave it he would, for me, for us, no trouble!!
I was naive, I believed he had, he said he hadnt needed them whenever i asked if he had been back on any of the sites, whenever i felt insecure. He always denied it. They were nothing he said, nothing at all. Gone forever!
Well if they were nothing what am I???? Because last week I discovered they were indeed still being used, his browser history was full of them, in fact more than before, so what does that make me if they are nothing???
The truth is hard for me to accept.
I am in love with someone I believed to want me as much as I wanted him! How long can I keep deceiving myself that that man I fell in love with who wanted me so badly is not real, he never was what I thought he was & I don’t think he ever will be now. I don’t think he will ever want me as much as he wants them! Because his thoughts & appetite for them make him see me differently than he would if he didn’t have them in his life. As a poor substitute, an inferior fix. But now, even though he may get rid of them, his mind is set in how he views me, so I am tarnished. I will never be the ultimate fix for him, even though he loves me (which I am sure he does). So I will help him to cure himself, but my reward will be that he leaves me for another woman in the end, but at least it will be a real one! My heart bleeds and I cannot stem the flow.

[AirKeep]

Ghostslayer,

I'm sorry to hear about where you are at. I hope some of the moderators and SO's will join in shortly. As a PA, I wish I could say I'm completely recovered, I'm not, your thoughts make me think of my SO. Both you and he are at the start of a different road. From your post, I don't know much of your history (how long you've been with him, kids, is this the first time (assuming it is), how much you've talked to him about how long he's done this etc.). It is a time of very abrupt, harsh, and hard changes and emotions. I feel for you, and him. P is scary on both ends.

I don't know him, and as you put it, he probably does love you. He's trapped in a world he probably doesn't even realize, the effect it has on him, and even more so the effect is has on you. Communication and honesty are key. It takes time, it takes working through things step by step and piece by piece. What he is feeling and why, what you are feeling and why, being open and vulnerable. As others will say as well, both of you need to take care of yourselves. Helping and understanding the other, you with his journey, he with yours, but you both can only take care of yourself, first and foremost. As I've read, things can get better, at times they may seem worse. Only time and what you guys feel you need to do will tell.

I think it's bold to help him, but in the end, he needs to help himself, and do this for himself, or it may never change. They probably don't mean anything to him, although that doesn't diminish how you feel. Why he seeks that out, is more the underlying issue(s) which needs to be resolved. Nothing compares to my SO, but that didn't stop me from hiding in my addiction. My choices, my reasons, nothing in essence to do with her. This more than likely (in most cases absolutely), has nothing to do with you, although you are now an innocent victim.

Read around, get support (as you are doing), and take care of yourself. The next steps will come in time.

[Toria]

Hi Ghostslayer,

Just wanted to say hi and tell you how sorry I am for what you are going through.

I can only echo the advice that I have been given here, and I apologise if I am treading on anybody's toes.

When I arrived here, looking for some help after living with my BF's PA I did the following:

I read the other SO journals and realised I am not alone. Everything you feel, somebody here has felt and dealt with. You will read that your OH's behaviour is almost identical to the other OHs in their journals. The silly things that you do which you think are crazy, a lot of the other SOs do too. (I'm not saying that we aren't all a bit mad!)

I read the PA journals. Like you, my BF denied a problem for months and would carry on behind my back. I thought he didn't care about me and was lying and deceitful. After reading the PA journals I realise that after years of an addiction, it was impossible for him to quit just because I said so. The PA journals may give you an insight into what might be in your BFs head.

I wrote a letter to my BF. I was brutally honest. At first he dismissed it, but slowly after re-reading what I had written he began to understand how P makes me feel. Maybe you could write a letter too, don't hold back. When your OH has some quiet time alone to hear how P makes you feel, he may be more responsive than when you say it during an argument.

All of these things helped me. I hope they help you too.

Toria x

[ghostslayer]

Thanks 4 your posts. I found them very helpful. I'm feeling a lot more positive today. In fact I feel I am strong enough to help him through this & emerge a stronger person myself. Whilst there can be no time limits on something as profound as this, I also realise that I must set myself a time frame that I am comfortable with that will allow me to reach a closure if the reality is such that my life became entrenched in something permanent that I was unhappy with, rather than a temporary state of adjustment before emerging into a world beyond. For now my belief is that we can overcome, who knows what tomorrow may bring or how I shall feel. I guess this is the turbulence that I am reading so much of here. One moment I am in a terrifying cyclone, the next I am floating on a wave of hope!

[Toria]

Hey Ghostslayer,

How are things?