Replaced

[jennabug418]

I am very new to this board and feel relieved to have found a place where others are experiencing the same thing I am...I feel so alone.

My husband is 7 years younger than me. When he first pursued me, I kept saying "no" because he was so much younger than me. After 2 years of him chasing after me, I decided to give it a try. Wow! What an awsome, honest, loving relationship we had! We sickened everyone around us because we were so much in love.

After a short time married, he didn't hide the fact that he liked to occasionally MB to a P movie. I didn't really care because I figured it was "a guy thing." It wasn't very often (that I knew of), and our sex life was hot. As long as we shared intimacy, what did I care if he watched occasional P?

As the years passed, his libido seemed to wane, but mine was off the charts. We would make "dates" to be together, but when I came to bed, I'd find him asleep. It seems he inherited his father's depression, so he was on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medications. When he did manage to muster up the mood to make love, he would often be unable to climax, blaming it on the medication.

I started noticing viruses and P pop-ups on our family computer, which really upset me, as our daughter was then 13. I certainly couldn't have such graphic images popping up out of nowhere! Then I found his VHS P movie....wouldn't you know - I accidentally taped over the middle of it. He never mentioned it...didn't think he would.

Things turned from bad to worse when I got him his own computer, optimized for gaming, which is in our bedroom. Checking the history, I was astonished at how often he was viewing P! He got wise to my snooping and now clears the history. He has videos and pictures stored in unassumingly named files on his computer, in an attempt to hide them.

He hasn't touched me in nearly 3 years.

I'm not in a financial position to leave and I don't want to uproot my daughter in her last years of high school, so I bide my time and life goes on.

I feel so deperately lonely, unlovable, fat, ugly, undesirable, worthless. Being with him makes me feel bad about myself. I can't compete with 19 year old pigs who have sex for money on the internet. I have never looked like them and never will. I have lost my husband to faceless sluts who offer him nothing more than 3 minutes of excitment.

He tells me he loves me, but that he doesn't find me desirable anymore. And so I am crushed.

I have told him he is addicted to P, but he denies it. We just had our 18th anniverary.

What do I do?

[FoolishMind]

Hi Jennabug, and im sorry to have to welcome you to the forums. As ideally it would be nice if you didnt have this issue to deal with.

Anyway, youve asked the million dollar question " what do I do?"

Firstly, you need to acknowledge a few things:

1. This is not your problem, it is your husbands
2. It is not you that has become less desirable, It is your husbands excuses
3. For this problem to be removed from your relationship, 99% of the effort must come from your husband.

So that leaves you with 1% of the work to do.

This information is dotted all around the site, so please do take some time to have a look around, and educate yourself about PA.

In Short, you need to write a letter, and explain (brutally honest) exactly how you feel, and how you beleive he has a problem. Advise him that you do not want him to change for you, but for himself. Advise him to have a look at this site, and he will be shocked at how he will fit the bill of a typical PA.

Advise him that as your daughter is getting older, he needs to have respect and to be seen having respect for woman.

You need to ask him, how would he feel one day if he was surfing for P, and one day saw his daughter? All these woman in the P industry are someones daughters!

Theres a lot of information in the partners forum about writing letters, and many members have shared their letters too.

Be strong Jennabug, as you clearly have been for many years, I am speaking as PA myself, who has turned his life around due to my wife giving me that wake up call and support ive needed. Thanks to her and TTF I am over 8 months P free and my life and relationship is better than ever before.

So things and people can change. But the effort and drive must come from the individual with the issue.

My thoughts are with you

FM

[Dominus]

Hi Jennabug, and As Foolishmind says - you are most welcome here even if the circumstances are tragic. I cant add much to what he has said other than I doubt that you are fat, ugly, undesirable and quite evidently not "worthless", the fact that you have endured this for so long is evidence of your strength of character.

Even if as he says he does not find you desirable anymore, that doesnt excuse his finding sexual gratification from other women, so if you have to go without so should he. My wife would probably smash my computer if she suspected that I was still viewing porn which helps me because although we have a generally sound relationship, I am a bit 'scared' of displeasing her in this regard. I would recomend that you adopt an equally tough line to make it crystal clear to your husband that in this particular thing you are entirely non negotiable.

Thanks for telling your story, it helps me to remember the damage we cause.

See you around

[EmergingAngel]

As the years passed, his libido seemed to wane..

When he did manage to muster up the mood to make love, he would often be unable to climax, blaming it on the medication.

He hasn't touched me in nearly 3 years.

I feel so deperately lonely, unlovable, fat, ugly, undesirable, worthless.

Jennabug - In reading these four comments, I'm reminded of the biggest reason I came to this site. I'm a PA and these were things that have or were developing in my current relationship, as well as previous ones, and I wanted to just throw out a little insight from my point of view.

As I looked at P, I lost most all of my desire for intimacy with my partner, and when I did - I failed to do very well, but unfortunately I had no medication to really blame it on, so it hit a little close to home for me. Because of this PA I've been dealing with - I've hurt those close to me, and my way of thinking has been so clouded and distorted. It's rather disturbing that it took me so long to figure out what P was doing. I too thought it was just a guy thing, and that it was normal, but the longer it dragged on, the more I started to realize there was more to it, and it was doing more than occupying my mind sexually.

While its unfortunate to have you here, I'm glad you found us and I hope things start looking up. Have you told him about the site? There is a lot of great information here, and we're all here for you.

Best Wishes -W
EA