Too Much Snooping????

[timetoheal]

Ok people. I am very frustrated while writing this post. A couple months ago I caught my husband with a hidden drive of porn on his computer. When we married in May 2007 he told me he had gotten rid of all the images he had stored and had been good to not download more to keep. I knew he struggled with porn but didn't realize how bad until after our vows. Is this familiar to anyone?

So my husband destroyed this "e:" drive I found because one night he left for work and left some videos I couldn't close out so my young son wouldn't see them. When it said there was no such drive I lost it. So I confronted my husband and he literally smashed that drive to bits and showed it to me..I knew THAT porn was gone. Yes he would still surf online but I didn't have to bear he was saving hours worth of the crap for future use. I know in recovery there are slips, etc. so I was more than patient.

So this week I go to use my husband's PC while my son was using my PC and boom...another hidden drive, this time a "g:" drive. I confronted my husband and this time I attacked him the worst I've ever done with sobbing and told him after disconnecting his PC if he didn't come clean to me I was taking the computer to the Geek Squad at Best Buy and I'd be calling my attorney in the morning. It was time to stop the games and get real. I made my husband cry and of course here it is a few days later and he really isn't showing much regret.

He is only deleting the drives/pictures I catch him with. He has programs on his pc that can't be cracked without special keywords, passwords, keystrokes and the like to hide those dirty pictures. I feel utterly humiliated. While I can tolerate some porn, I can't tolerate hours of family neglect for him to download the stuff while I'm away from the house or sleeping. I had put a filter program on there and he went to great lengths to reformat his hard drive and take the program off there when I told him flat out it would mess his PC up if he didn't leave it on there as I was the Admin and it required certain things only I knew to not mess the system up.

Does anyone here relate to me? I can't use filters as he uninstalls them or reformats his hard drives making sure to save what he wants to keep of his smut. All the promises in the world from him aren't helping me one bit. I have found programs online for free (shareware) I can use to snoop more and find more hidden files but honestly, it would only disappoint me more. I don't understand why my hubby says he wants to grow closer to God and quit, tells me he's deleted it all and keeps doing it. I'm reading "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Artebarn and seeing what men go through but it's ridiculous. I'm a woman and can't relate.

Maybe I'm naive but I told him I want to see porn when he sees it and he doesn't want me to "watch" it with him. Now I would think this is IDEAL for an addict (ha ha) but I am learning the PA have to have their fun in private or it takes the pleasure out of it. After all if I'm there he can't jack off, moan, smile, do whatever because there is accountability. He keeps saying he's sick and doesn't want me to see it and I told him I don't care no matter how gross it is, it will help me learn how to pray for him and when we agree on a counselor, help that counselor see both sides better. It gets old walking into a room to see my husband closing out windows tabs as if I say "Hey, you can watch it so long as I'm aware" what the heck is he hiding? Why such secrecy if it has "no effect on me because it's HIS problem".

It just seems the more we talk the more I don't understand, get frustrated, angry, cry and then I get the blame. Now the argument is I need to get healthy. Well hell, I am overweight but he smokes pot and cigarettes on top of the porn so this tit-for-tat rebellion isn't funny to me. I can lose my weight but this addiction is part of the reason I compulsively overeat as it STRESSES me out and that food (ice cream, candy, etc.) COMFORTS me. I don't have to masturbate to feel good about myself and yeah the food makes me gain weight but I go in spurts just like the PA where I'm good for a while and then I slip and have a binge/bender, etc.

How do you folks here control the urge to snoop? I literally feel like I have to spy on him at least a couple nights a week when he's not here. Knowing he has software to hide stuff makes it even worse as it will reduce me to having to install software to find the files then uninstall it to not let him blast me for snooping. I even threatened to call our attorney and file divorce or say that if I found more pics on his hard drive or a hidden drive I'd start sending them to his closest family members, including his mom who is very anti-porn, just to punish him. Now I know punishing him won't fix the problem everyone but I just feel damned. Nothing I do or say is working.

If I put filters on the PC he reformats the hard drive if he can't take those programs off. It's a truly vicious cycle. I told him today if he's only trying to quit to please me and not get help for himself with God calling him to quit (we are Christians), then what's the point? He'll keep his porn addiction and he can just watch my weight skyrocket from the stress. It's not like we have sex anyways unless I initiate and even then I don't feel like he's WITH ME but thinking of the scenarios he has seen on the porn pics and videos. Imagine having sex with your spouse and he's talking the porn scene out loud and wanting you to pretend you're with another man while he watches--degrading and becoming less and less worth the effort for me to try.

Intimacy is so lacking right now. I feel like I am married to a stranger who is like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde..half man, half monster. Sigh. I could really use some insight on how to do less snooping and at least get help for MYSELF since he really doesn't want any. He doesn't want me to talk to anyone because he doesn't want evil looks from them and their judgment..duh. Why should I save him the embarrassment when I'm dying emotionally inside and resenting him more and more for the deception?

Thanks in advance.

[Deep Pain]

I share the compulsive snooping. It's as if the more porn he watches, the more you watch him. I think it's the not knowing or understanding. If you're a Christian, read Ephesians 5 and maybe you will have an opportunity to share this with him. I believe Satan uses porn to get to the souls of our men...and it works. If he is truly a believer, you need continual prayer to help him see he is paving his way to hell.

Good luck and God bless!

[dray]

I have to look at what he's doing...he's broken the trust in our relationship. It's something that causes suspicion, because he's lied, so I don't feel bad about checking up. I think it's totally understandable. I wish it wasn't this way, but it is. I'm sorry for your pain and know just how it feels. I hope things get better for you.

[apachedove]

:DI always check the computer after my other has been on it, if not that night its the first thing next morning. Shhhhh i also figured out his pass words for his many email accounts. If I didn't snoop I would have no idea what he was up to. I feel like I'm dealing with a pre-teen with raging hormones!!!!!!

I get in trouble just for playing games on the pc, and he actually walks over to see what I'm doing. Wonder what he would do if he saw me looking at buff guys that are showing everything, I aways have wondered what his reaction would be, oh well [-(

One time he accused me of doing things on the computer so I gave him my nic and my password, and he really did check it. He opened up and read some of my mail, needless to say it was from my cousin. How insecure can a person get?!!!!!!!!!!

When and where does it all end.

[cmperry]

If I can give any advice here, it would be please do not encourage watching it with him, I did this and the results were devistating, it's just really not something you want to do.

As far as the snooping goes I have somewhat come to realize that when I know, I just know, I need not go back and find it, but none the less I did so I would have "proof" but I've decided that I'm no longer going to do that either. My entire relationship I have been proving myself to him and he has yet to do it for me. I no longer have a need to prove myself, I know whats up, and he knows I know. Snooping can be so hard on you whilst it really has no effect on him, it will only tear you down my friend, don't let that happen.

Maybe I'm naive but I told him I want to see porn when he sees it and he doesn't want me to "watch" it with him. Now I would think this is IDEAL for an addict (ha ha) but I am learning the PA have to have their fun in private or it takes the pleasure out of it. After all if I'm there he can't jack off, moan, smile, do whatever because there is accountability. He keeps saying he's sick and doesn't want me to see it and I told him I don't care no matter how gross it is, it will help me learn how to pray for him and when we agree on a counselor, help that counselor see both sides better. It gets old walking into a room to see my husband closing out windows tabs as if I say "Hey, you can watch it so long as I'm aware" what the heck is he hiding? Why such secrecy if it has "no effect on me because it's HIS problem".

[Toria]

Hello all,

Recently I have really tried to stop 'snooping' as the harm that it does to my self-confidence far outweighs the good that it does to our relationship.

Of course, I am always on my guard (I call it my spidey senses) looking out for any clues that he has been looking at P - I can usually tell straight away just by his mood, the way he looks at me and his stinking guilty conscience, but re-reading over and over again what he looked at, when and with what search terms just destroys me. Of course, sometimes my mind races and the curiosity is just too much and I have to look.

I have really started to begin to feel better about myself since I've let go of the past and my BF seems to appreciate it too. If I find out he has been MB and looking at P again I will be furious, but until then, I am trying to show him that I trust him.

Of course, I understand that those of you with children need to keep checks on what has been viewed and I know that it won't be appropriate for everyone, but I just wanted to share what has helped me.