husband is addicted to internet port

[carterc]

Hi my name is *REMOVED* My husband is addicted to internet porn for at least 8 years. I have found it on his computer and confronted him several times. I told him how it is destroying our marriage and family. We have two sons 7 and 11. Each time he promises to stop but he gets careless on the computer and always forgets to erase what he's looked at. The last time he looked at porn, I told him that if I caught him again, that he would have to leave and that I would divorce him. AFter only three months I again found it on the computer. I kicked him out. After a week we asked to come home saying that he had changed. I asked why this time was going to be different. He said that this was the first time I made him leave and that he realized what he was about to lose. I let him come back thinking that what he said was true. I once again told him that if I ever caught him doing it again that I would kick him out and file for divorce. Well he got better at hiding it but after a year I found it again. He admitted that he had been doing it for a while. We are now seperated for about a week. I think the problem started when he retired and is home all day with nothing to do. I still work. It hurt when I came home after working all day and saw that he did nothing at the house because he was on the computer all day. Did I do the right thing in kicking him out? I know it is an addiction. Can he really not help himself?

[AirKeep]

Hi C, sorry to hear about the situation you, your sons, and your husband are in. It would take many pages to try to even explain P use, your husband and 'reasons', and what you have felt and currently feel. It comes through time. As one who is currently going through a divorce (it's taken over a year so far!) b/c of P (or primarily so), maybe I can add a few things.

As to did you do the right thing? I hope you know only you can answer that, and I'm sure most everyone here will say that. I've gone through hundreds of blogs on-line where the attitudes range from kick the sob out, to self-sacrifice and help him. It gets complex, and only you can answer that.

I can say this,he has to deal with the problem. Although it affects you and your family, and you have your own healing to do, he has to do it, and for himself. Although knowing what he has lost now can help, and be a driver, I can say it won't be enough. My SO asked me the same thing, 'what's different this time'. I had tried to quit twice before we were married. Although she never caught me until a year ago in our marriage, so we didn't go through all the trying together, it was caught, and then we were done.

What I told her. I told her I didn't know what I had to lose before, but more importantly I was now looking into the why I did it. When I 'quit' the first time, it was ok, I'll quit. I was leaving on a religious mission, so that was the motivation and I didn't really have access. It started when I had access again though. The second time i 'quit', was because I was getting married. I stopped, and then after marriage started again. This last time, I was 'caught', and knew my SO was probably going to leave. Even with her and my son leaving, it has been a battle. This time though, even before she filed, I started seeing a counselor, starting reading books, started to identify my triggers and emotions. The previous two times, were simply ok, I'm done, no analysis. This time, I know why I do it and how to fight it, so it is different. Even then it is tough. Could he quit cold turkey, maybe, but that doesn't seem to have worked in that past, has it? Doing it for you probably won't be enough, doing it because he's afraid of getting caught, probably won't be enough. He needs to decide for him he wants to quit, and why. I've seen it in other posts, where the SO tells the PA he needs to quit for himself, not just for them.

I can imagine it hurts. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you, and maybe you don't want to hurt him. Personally, I prefer things to work out even with all the work that has to happen, but he needs to make his decisions and do what he needs to do, and you need to make your decisions and do what you need to do. Take care of yourself, support him if he so chooses to make the necessary changes, and let him make his own choices. I don't know what steps have been taken in the past, perhaps you can identify some steps and things to do to try to work through this. What needs to happen, what has to happen. I hope the best.

[Abbie]

Hi carterc,

As the wife of a recovering P addict, I can completely empathise with you and see where you're coming from. Do you chuck him out and hurt from the dissolution of your marriage, your future, have the kids hurt missing their Daddy, or do you stay and hurt yourself with what he's doing? I have faced these questions, and I decided to stay (I very nearly didn't! see my journal).

Airkeep is right, nobody can say what is the right thing for you to do, but luckily you have found this forum so can talk through what has happened/is happening which will help you no end in finding the answer that is right for you.

I can imagine the sickness in your stomach and shaking of your hands as you think about what he has done and how he has lied and hidden it from you as I felt those many times too and it's absolutely awful.

Since you are at a crossroads right now, I would suggest you read through the other SO (significant others') journals and also (if you're up to it) the PA (porn addicts) journals. I feel this will help you to not feel so alone in this, and also to see if you can find any answers in the PA section.

Journals for SO's - TTF community forums

Recovery journals - TTF community forums

It would also be great for you to start your own journal as even getting all your thoughts down in it can be a tremendous release.

You're not alone here >:D<