Is it addiction?

[kateO]

Hi there. I'm brand new here, and need some direction. I apologize in advance for the length of this post. ;)

A little bit of background: For a few months at least, my fiance has had some issues staying erect while we are having sex. Even when stimulating him orally, he sometimes loses his erection. I've always downplayed it, but was starting to think there was something wrong with either him or me.

A few weeks ago my fiance and I went to the bridal shop so I could get my wedding dress bustled for our wedding. He stayed in the car so he wouldn't see me in my dress, and I went into the store. After about 10 minutes, I realized I had forgotten my bra in the car, so I went out to the car. When I got there, I could see that he had his laptop out and was watching porn. When I opened the door, he jumped, quickly closed the laptop cover, and sweetly said "Hi! What's up?" I grabbed the bra, said "Hi", and slammed the door.

I've never had a problem knowing that he "occasionally" looked at porn, but I was upset that he chose to watch that while I was getting my wedding dress fitted inside.

When I came out, he completely avoided the subject until he could see that I was angry. Then he kept asking me "What's wrong? What's the matter?" until I couldn't take it anymore and told him how upset I was that he was out in the car watching other women have sex while I was in the store taking care of my wedding dress. He apologized profusely and I spent the rest of the night crying with him assuring me that he loved me and wanted to be with me.

The week or so after that incident is a little hazy, but within a day or two, he admitted to be that he thought he had a "problem" (the word he used then, but never used again in talking about it), and that he had been looking at porn routinely throughout the day at work. He hadn't been masturbating to it, but would just put it on for a few minutes here and there to get turned on. He said he thought he started it to make sure that he still could get erect because it was bothering him that he wasn't able to keep his erection while we had sex, but I wondered (and still do) if he had the cause and effect backwards. He said he also thought that it was stress and boredom at work that brought it on, and that it became a little "game" to see how long he could get away with it (he's part-owner of the company, so he's not likely to get fired, but I imagine his business partners wouldn't be so happy if they found this out). I asked him if he would be happy if one of his employees did this, and he said no. He says he didn't watch porn while at home, and he swears that it was only videos and not any sort of chatting with anyone.

I asked him if he thought he needed professional help, and he said no, that he'd been "cutting down" already anyway.

My self esteem was completely shot. I told him how upset I was that he "needed" porn all day, and that I felt like porn was desensitizing him to sex and that it seemed that his porn adventures coincided with a period in our sex life that saw less activity and more frequent problems with keeping his erection, and he said he was worried that there was something physically wrong. He made a doctor's appointment just in case, but because he can masturbate himself to orgasm, I truly don't think the problem is physical.

I've sent him articles about porn addiction and he's said that they were interesting, but I don't get the sense that he actually acknowledges that this applies to him. Perhaps because he didn't masturbate while watching the porn, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure what the next step is. Does it sound like porn addiction? How do I make him see how completely crushed I am by this? We're less than a month from our wedding now, and I love him and absolutely want to marry him (other than this issue, he is the perfect man), but every time I think of my wedding dress I want to cry.

I can't help but feeling insecure. He's on a business trip right now, and all I can think of is whether he's looking at porn while he's away because I'll never find out. I keep wondering whether he is looking at porn at work. The last thing I want to do is become the porn police, but it's driving me crazy. At the same time, I want him to be able to have his privacy.

What do I do?

[Abbie]

Hi KateO,

It sounds like addiction to me, but don't take my word for it as only he knows if he has problems or not.

A lot of the PAs on here were in denial about their addiction for a long time, and until the addict comes out of denial it's near on impossible for them to address it.

Have you tried writing him a letter explaining your thoughts on his viewing of P and how much it is affecting you? This seems to work for a lot of the SOs (significant others') on here, but not for all (including myself at one point) but it is definitely worth doing. There are many examples on here of PAs (P addicts) 'waking up' after reading a letter from the heart of their partners and then addressing the problem.

Let us know how you get on with this!

PS most of us on here use acronyms such as P, MB etc so we don't trigger any of the PAs to relapse. If you are stuck with any of them just give me a shout!

:)

[FoolishMind]

Hi KateO and Im sorry to have to welcome you to this site a few weeks before your wedding.

Based on your explanation of recent event, I would also say that your fiancee is a PA. While this may feel crushing to you, it is not the end of the world if he acknowledges it, and he genuinely and sincerely wants to address it for himself.

I am completely certain the MB is having an effect on your intimacy.

Abbie's advice is spot on, So I would highly recommend you writing a letter and asking him to have a look at this site. This site has changed many peoples lives. Without going into a long story, I ruined the first 5 years of my marriage as my wife lost all her confidence and self esteem to P. Thankfully and primarily to TTF I have been 8 months P & MB free now every aspect of my relationship is better than I have ever experienced.

Write that letter!

Also found the link for commonly used acronyms on the site for your reference.

Wish you the best

FM