Husband won't use recovery tools

[seeking help]

Hi,

I feel skeptical of my husband's claim that he doesn't need any help to recover. He puts down recovery tools by saying
-the recovery group he attended for a couple of months didn't allow for growth because they had to keep starting over when new members came in
-the recovery group he attended didn't get to the core of the issue which, he says, is the need for spiritual awakening
-pornography blockers aren't very effective so there's no use getting one
-having an accountability partner never worked for him.

My hubby is by nature a loner and he's an intelligent man - but is it really possible to recover from this addiction with no outside help?

Thanks for any input guys.
Seeking Help

[FoolishMind]

Hi Seeking help, I cannot speak for everyone as of course we are all unique. However to counter all responses please see below and feel free to share your thoughts:

1)By nature, im a social person, yet am fine alone
2) I consider myself intelligent, with an MBA, but common sense and honesty is a different qualification altogether.
3)As a PA, I could make an excuse for just about anything, because I was a fantastic liar
4) I use an Internet filter on my computers, However, im sure that anything that is man made, can be broken by man, thats a fact of life. Its whether you want to or not.

5)No recovery group, or accountability partner can get to the core of the issue for someone else. It is the individual, and whether they wish to be completley honest with themselves and invest some time to identify the core problem within themselves.

6) Spriritual awakening - sounds fancy - regardless, I beleive in god, and i know God wont help me, if i make no effort to help myself first.

7) Everyday i read posts from new members, that doesnt set me back, it reminds me, of where I was, and I feel I can help others so that perhaps they can save their life / relationship.

Today I am 8 months P free, This has only happened because I was completley honest with myself, and because I was clear about why I wanted to be P free.

Thoughts?

[Abbie]

Hi seeking help and welcome to TTF.

I think all of the PAs on here have used similar excuses, sorry, reasons for why they cannot quit. I think my own husband used them all!

As FM has so eloquently put, he needs to want to quit before he can actually start quitting.

I wish you all the best, and hope to see you around the boards.

[timetoheal]

My husband can come up with every excuse in the world as to why he really doesn't want a recovery program, filter software, how it's his problem even though it affects me, etc. Mine has gone to great lengths to put programs on his computer where you have to use special keystrokes and passwords to get to hidden picture files that can't be traced. When he's forgetful to close out before going to work (works nights) that's when I find the hidden HARD DRIVES with hundreds of more pictures still on his PC. Seems like each time he swears there are no more pics on his PC, I find more within a couple weeks whether they are new or on old drives he may have in our garage he simply transfers over when I'm asleep or not home.

I am having to learn to turn this over to God and trust the Holy Spirit can work in my spouse. I told my hubby recently that I believe more in God's wrath on him than I do in his commitment to quit porn and that my God will make him feel guilt and shame and have no peace until he is really to fully commitment and get this obsession out of our marriage as it is hurting our relationship and taking away from quality family time when he's always on that computer. Every time I enter that office and he shuts his window tabs down, I become more and more paranoid. As a result I either quit talking to him because I'm hurt or go off in anger. Tears don't work long because once the coast is clear, boom..he's right back. We women can tell over time when they are truly in withdrawal from porn as their moods change dramatically, agree???

I'm reading "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn and even though it's meant for my husband as a tool of recovery, it's showing my how a man's mind works, why it's so hard on them, etc. but it certainly isn't alleviating my pain. I knew my husband liked porn before I married him but I never saw how many HOURS he wasted on it when we dated. Things would've been different if I knew just how sick he was and he's carried this into his now 3rd marriage. Sigh.

We ladies just need to stick together and pray for one another. I'm exhausted trying to conquer this monster by myself and even though I do hear God's voice, I feel trapped because it's not like something I can share with my closest friends and family. It is so hard not to try and punish my spouse but bitterness only makes me feel bad so I'm just trying to show him the mercy God would but boy is it hard!

[seeking help]

Hi Time to Heal,

You said that hubby's computer time "is hurting our relationship and taking away from quality family time when he's always on that computer".

Thanks so much for your honest and open sharing. I understand the frustration and lonliness that is part of being left behind in favour of a computer.

I appreciate knowing that I'm not alone. I wonder if a tactic that I took could be helpful for you? (I'm waiting to see how it works out in the long term, but I have noticed an immediate improvement)

I stopped talking to hubby about my concerns re: pornography and focussed on the computer time he was spending. I asked him to keep a log of time spent so he could become self aware and get the info he needs to decide just how much time he
wants to spend on the computer.

At first, he was furious with the suggestion, saying "you're not my mother" I replied "No, I'm not, I'm not asking you to tell me the results of your logging, I'm just asking you to become self aware and decide what you want to do" He went away and has now been making an effort over the past week to spend more time with me.

I just hope it keeps up.
PS I've just begun looking into an online support group called "cyberwidows" - maybe they could provide some additional support for you too.

Good luck!