Do you ever suspect his addiction can go too far?

[mplayer]

Sometimes I worry that there may be prostitutes involved or maybe (god forbid) molesting children?

Do you ever wonder where Porn addiction can go? How far it can go?

I sometimes lose sleep over this.

[brulant]

I'd say that you're "gut" is telling you something... its nagging at you so to speak. It is true that we can imagine more than is there, but at the same time we are often told to ignore the red flags and warning signs. PA can often lead to further things, or PA can be symptomatic of a larger issue.

I'd suggest reading up on SA (sx addiction) and SAA-anon.

I'd also suggest for you to read "The Gift of Fear", by Gavin DeBecker or something like that. It speaks a lot about how fear can be telling us something vs. how we imagine things. Usually, though, in these cases we are ignoring warning signs and our "intuition" is right.

Patrick Carnes has also written a lot of books on sx addiction as well as PA. I highly recommend him.

I suggest also keeping notes about your feelings, doubts, suspicions in your journal and even a calendar.

If there is molestation going on this should be taken pretty seriously, IMHO. Prostitution, too, since I know that can be a *huge* risk for your health.

Things will unveil themselves, but its important to know what to look for and when to trust yourself. There's not a lot of things which prepare us for these issues and we're more often taught to look the other way.

Be well and *much* support!!!
Ideally you're loosing sleep over nothing, but if there's a truth that needs to come out in those directions then its going to pay off to learn. Either way you're on a path to sleep better just by approaching the topic.

[brulant]

Wow Mplayer I am so sorry about this hell you must be feeling and going through!!

After your post this morning something was "nagging" at my conscience and I wanted to touch base further on my response. Just before I was about to do so I looked to see your previous post and I think I remember why that nagging existed.... okay I *know* why its there.

There are definitely some pretty serious red flags here and I'd say that you're right that this is bigger than PA. IMHO its *FAR* bigger!!! I had wanted to respond to your previous post, but the other responses kept me from doing so since my opinion was far different and the others were more shaded by their own wishes for their own relationships. (NO offense everyone!!) I also admit that I was scared of being thought of as a "bad guy" and party pooper. I was still incredibly new on here, butnowI feel more comfortable on here.

I have also had some pretty horrible experiences in my own life in my past because I had to acknowledge and speak about a truth about some people that my "friends" and community didn't want to hear let alone know about or deal with. These "people" were SAs.

Forgive me everyone because I am going to do this publicly and not in a private message because there will probably be others who are also in similar situations who are lurking and not registered or people who come in later as well. This is something different than what we're dealing with, but I've been through this for myself and for others in similar situations before. I can't afford to not say anything.

The towels are a HUGE clue. I'm going out on a limb and saying that them in the truck is definitely a *major* red flag. Voyeurism and peeping tom stuff would be the most minor combined with the MB, but its something that still has harmful effects on the targets. Prostitution would be the least illegal because it is consensual (usually,but not to you as the wife at the same time), but you're NOT WRONG in feeling like you need to pay attention to this. Most guys who use prostitutes do not use protection and the majority are married and in relationships. I have a hard time believing that it could be prostitutes since I can't imagine the guy using a towel.

You also made a point here about saying he took the boys fishing. I'm guessing you felt that internal nagging when stating that. I would also feel pretty safe in assuming that your own addiction to diet pills is tied into all of this mess. Trust me when I say that you are NOT TO BLAME and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. You've been put in a HORRIBLE situation and to deny your reality you've just been doing this to feel better, but it doesn't really feel better. This doesn't have to be permanent, but you do need to get help.

Often the side effects that we develop are used against us, but that shouldn't stop you from getting help or speaking to someone. If you can get help for the addiction stuff then it will help you regain trust in yourself as well as in the eyes of society. It will also help you to be able to separate your stuff from his. As long as you carry this guilt it keeps you from getting better.

This place is not equipped to handle SA issues, but there are other support groups that are. I also suggest that finding help where you live is going to be incredibly important. I can help you find a place in your area if you contact me in private message *especially* if you need some further support and a shoulder to help push you to get the help you need... and trust me you need some help or at the very least at least a friend who can understand. It helped me enormously when others stepped up with offers and just even knowing they were there was tremendous support. I only wish more people would have had the courage to say something to me or support me. There's not much support in the world for what we have to go through though. That being said we need to stick together and support each other.

Please contact a woman's organization near you. They will be able to give you help with finding therapy if nothing else.... but I'm guessing you're going to need some extra help with this. Finding help for your kids will also be important to think about.

Take care to protect yourself, too!!
I'm going to say this again!!
PROTECT YOURSELF.

Many times SA's will go to extreme lengths to protect their secrets so if there are illegal things going on things will definitely get rough. Things will also get more rough if you stay so taking care of yourself is top priority no matter what.

Most of us feel out our audience first to see if they are receptive. I know that's why most rapes and domestic violence issues aren't reported. If no one can hear us or they immediately attack and blame us then we stop trying to speak. Our number one fear is feeling blamed for this stuff or having the world tell us we're crazy. We're already hearing that from enough sources ;7) and our brains would rather us be crazy than have to admit something this big and traumatic. I'm guessing this might be the case here although I don't want to presume that things are worse then they are at the same time. I do, though, want you to know that I don't think you're crazy or bad and I hope that eventually you can learn to trust yourself again. It can happen! ; )

I can explain further with what I know about the SA stuff, but I can't on a public board and this really isn't the place for what I believe you need.

What I can say is that I did have run ins with multiple SAs. Turns out they run in packs so not only did I have to deal with "the monster" from my past, but there was a drug/rapist, a peeping tom, another "date rapist", etc., etc. All of us "victims" of them were held to be "the bad guys" and most of the pack is still accepted in the community while we're all pushed out and away.... except for the two SAs that I pressed charges on... but they manipulated community anger against me so I'm gone, too. They weren't convicted for the SA based stuff, but at least there are things on their records for the sake of their future victims. I only wish that the previous victims had been able to have done the same when I had to go through the legal battles.

Trust your gut!!
This is *NOT* PA!!!

Keep a diary/calander, keep documentation, and DON'T tell him. I'd also keep things quiet from your boys right now, but help get them free from him too.

There *is* hope for them and their future, but most importantly get yourself *and* them away and definitely find some therapy to help with the long term side effects you and your kids have developed.

I also suggest finding a NA meeting (Narcotics Annonymous)

The book that I recommend is
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes
as well as
The Gift of Fear: and Other Survival Signals that protect us from Violence

The unfortunate reality is that the VAST majority of SAs are never able to change let alone admit their issues. The majority never recover and they do destroy many lives around them.

be well and feel free to contact me if you need.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this.
be safe and much love and support!!

brulant

p.s. I also have to suggest getting yourself tested for STDs and HIV.
I'm sorry because this is probably difficult to hear, but often this kind of honesty can save lives and I do care about your life.