confused about codependent behavior w an addict

[seeking help]

Hi,

I hope you can give me some thoughts on what is a frustrating dilemma for me.

It seems that the literature on codependency labels me as "codependent" if I stay with my pornography addicted husband rather than leaving and "getting a life of my own"

Yet, if I leave an addict I'm considered to lack understanding of what addiction is all about. This set of ideas recommends hanging in there and giving him support.

These ideas seem contradictory to me. It sure makes deciding whether to stay or go confusing.

Anyone else have any thoughts about the idea that you are codependent if you stay with an addict and lack kindness and understanding if you go?

[FoolishMind]

Quite simply put, If you love your codependent, and they genuinely and sincerely are trying to help themselves, then you should stay and support.

However, If they cant help themselves, or choose to deny a problem, you should focus on solely on the quality of your life.

FM

[brulant]

I second Foolish Mind
(lol)

That was brilliantly put and right on the money.
"Codependency" puts the blame and shame right back on us, doesn't it!?
'Ceptin' "We didn't cause it", "We can't cure it", and "*We* didn't create it"!
Much of the codependency fad is full of b.s.

We partners are send many double standards and mixed messages that give us more responsibility and work... as though we need more!

Taking care of yourself mentally and physically is your top priority if you stay or leave. So if its a possibility to stay because your husband is doing his share of the work then its possible to work together. If he gives you all the blame, shame, work, responsibility then its time to take care of yourself w/o him. The more you read from a *bunch* of different sources the better off you will be.... just stay away from stuff that says you're bad for staying, or working, or bad period. You'll be getting plenty of that from you PA and you don't need more!!!

You're in the right place for more support too if'n you want it!

[brulant]

p.s. The authors know we're suckers who are willing to work and therefore willing to *buy* is what I learned from sources who tried to tell me I was "co-dependant". Unfortunately the one who needs to do more work and take more responsibility doesn't want to know let alone *buy* a book.

[mamampj]

It took me a long time to come to terms with the codependent label. I really didn't like the way it made me sound like I was weak or somehow "enabling" or responsible for my husband's addiction.

However, I do see now that I have a distorted way of seeing the world that led me to be with an addict in the first place and that will lead me to repeat the pattern and marry another addict if I don't work on the problems that led me into this relationship. So, I think I am "codependent" (a person who is drawn to addicts and has behavioral traits that mesh well with them) whether I'm in a relationship with my husband or not.

I choose to stay with my husband because he is a good and loving man with an illness, because I believe it is the best thing for our children and most important of all because he is in recovery and therapy and making progress. If he were not working on his own issues, the situation would be different. I'm not here to support him, I'm here because it's the best thing for the kids and me right now. But even if I were not with him, I would need to continue to work on my own recovery and my own issues.

[Searching4peace]

This is from a site that I frequent for explanations of certain behaviors that I see in myself and several members of my family. I feel that this is relevant to this conversation given that the feel seems to me that being labeled co-dependent is a demeaning label. I think that it is more important to recognize that co-dependency isn't a permanent situation, but more of learned behavior that needs to be worked out into more healthy behavior.


What is codependency? What's the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.
*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

• It’s not okay to talk about problems
• Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
• Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
• Be strong, good, right, perfect
• Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
• Don’t be selfish
• Do as I say not as I do
• It’s not okay to play or be playful
• Don’t rock the boat.

Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life


What are some of the symptoms?

• controlling behavior
• distrust
• perfectionism
• avoidance of feelings
• intimacy problems
• caretaking behavior
• hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
• physical illness related to stress

[Abbie]

I don't believe in labelling. In my opinion, if you are going to stay with your husband I'd describe you as an understanding loving wife and nothing else.

[timetoheal]

I wouldn't call it codependency either. You don't sound like someone whose life isn't complete without him in it. I stayed in my first marriage for the sake of our son and because of my religious beliefs about divorce. I remarried only after my 1st husband died. This husband questions if I'll leave him and I tell him constantly I don't leave men, they leave me. So far he's left me emotionally for the porn and I'm waiting to see what else happens. I love him and want to see him through it but this secrecy thing of his of not wanting others to know so we both get some healing drives me nuts. I try to do things independently of him for my own sake and that tends to be the times when he is looking at porn the most---when I'm out with gal pals shopping, at the grocery store alone, doing PTA stuff or Cub Scout stuff with my son, etc. I have a huge network of casual and close friends and he's the one who's completely isolated and dependent on me (financial wise anyhoo).