On Guilt and the social games we play

[brulant]

I've been thinking a lot about guilt these last couple of weeks, especially in terms of PA vs. SA: how it us used vs. how it is felt, how it works in terms of gender, and how it affects us.

Guilt causes fear. Guilt prevents change. Guilt keeps me from having a better life and causes shame so that I am less likely to be able to go communicate with others. Guilt therefore causes isolation and shame. None of us can afford these cycles. None of us. Guilt, isolation and shame are a recipe for depression. Some will turn to things which make them feel temporarily happy in order to not feel further guilty and this creates an even deeper guilt/shame cycle. Others of us don't have those quick fixes and we become SOs.

I know that credit collectors often prefer to speak to the wife of the house. This is because that they know that a wife will more likely attempt to pay or will more likely figure out a way to pay. A woman will feel guilty and try to figure out a way when a man will be able to just shut down his feelings and figure out a way to put things off.

Here's what I've learned over the years.

Guilt works on women. Guilt is used to manipulate us, because it works on us. We feel responsibility even if its not our responsibility. We can be made to feel bad because we can feel bad or at least we are less likely to show it and throw up defenses as men are more want to do. We are more willing to compromise and make things work even if it means sacrificing our life or our integrity. We will even try to make things better for someone else's behaviors.

Men on the other hand, tend to deal with guilt differently. Men will throw guilt away, stuff it, deny it, put it somewhere else or on someone else. Men will get angry as their main defense against guilt. Many men often use guilt as a means to get their way when dealing with women because, again, guilt works on us.

It doesn't work on them the same way, though. Often if we try to make them feel guilty they just get angry and hold it against us. Addicts, too, will use this thing called guilt in order to get their way or to prevent having to be held accountable or even as a way to not hear what we are trying to say. All people's who are working to not take responsibility nor to be held accountable for their actions will use this thing called guilt in order to not own up to or change their behaviors.

I have found that when I don't take responsibility for someone else's actions that that, too, is still held against me and I truly do believe that this has a lot to do with gender socialization and the double standard stuff. That, too, is used against me... and that twinge of guilt will rear its ugly head even if it is not something I need to feel guilty for. We women still have feelings because they we weren't denied them by our socialization, whereas men tend to get angry instead of feeling the other kinds of feelings. We are not allowed to get angry at the same time, though.

I have been learning to detach from guilt unless it is for something that I need to face and own up too. I will hold myself accountable for my actions and do my best everyday to be the best person I can be. This means that I must maintain a boundary around my feelings and learn to not feel guilty when its is not my responsibility too. I am not going to do someone else's work when it isn't my place too. I will do my best to not feel guilty for things which I have done to protect myself and to live a better life everyday. I will own up to my behaviors, but I will not feel guilty.

Guilt is not my friend in most cases. I have learned to work actively everyday to not feel guilty in my life. I work on my own actions so that I don't do behaviors which would lead me to feel guilty in my life. I also have to work actively to not take on guilt that is not mine to bear.

Does guilt work on you?

Has guilt been used to make you do things or to shut you up about something?

Do you attempt to use guilt back the same way, but noticed that it doesn't work?

Do you have things to feel guilty for?

Is that guilt really yours to bear?