Please Tell Me What He's Thinking!

[last2know]

Hello,

I'm new here. I am a 46 year old woman married to a soon to be 46 year old man. We've been married for 20 years. He is now divorcing me. We also have one child, a 10 year-old son.

Two years ago I discovered my H's secret P life. I was devastated of course. He said it was no problem for him to stop but of course that hasn't been the case. Before I found him out, he was struggling to stop and said that he lasted 8 months one time.

He behaves ever more strange. He has excercised him self into a little too perfect shape. (about to be too thin) He is uber angry at me for putting surveillance on the computer and more recently on his laptop. You see he lied that he was done with P, but when I surveilled the laptop I really saw what he was into. The women in the videos are now turning into teens.

When I first discovered his PA 2 years ago, I also discovered that he had a few friends (mostly female) that he traded porn email jokes with. I was very hurt by this, because he kept all of it a secret, and I was embarrassed to be his wife at home with the child when he's flirting with young single women.

We agreed to work it out but he would never allow me to question him and get any type of closure. He began to threaten divorce like every month until he finally filed about 3 months ago.

I don't know if ther is another woman. He says that there isn't and I can't see any evidence of one. He does ogle young women when he's with me and our son. That hurts so bad. It seems that he has just gone completely downhill with respect to me.

I have accepted that our marriage is over, although painful. I just hope that somebody can tell me if they've ever seen this behavior and can you give me some insight. He's VERY hostile to me for the most part. In a way, I can't even recognize him anymore.

Help

[FoolishMind]

The majority of PA's in relationships can relate to this: The Mind of a PA

Let me know your thoughts and if you have any questions following that.

FM

[last2know]

Hi.

I have read that story a couple of times. I'm sory that I haven't gone all the way through it right this minute as I am in a mad rush to get to my therapist.

A lot of it (almost all) does sound like my husband and me.

Even though we have problems like anybody, I just get the strangest feeling that he is leaving me because I discovered the porn and he cannot be humble about it.

Do you recognize any of that type of behavior. Would a man actually leave his wife over porn? I think that I did see on Oprah one time a husband who had planned to do just that.

Why is he so angry and jumpy?

[FoolishMind]

Short answer to Why is he so angry? - Because (1) He doesnt think he has a problem (2) He is embarressed, and the easier emotion to put out is anger. It is easier to blame you.

This problem would have started well before he knew you. This is probably a secret he has had for a long long time, that he has turned to at times of stress and depression. The idea someone has asked him to stop it, or embarrassed him about it, is too much, and he will lash out it anyway to save it.

When my wife said she will leave me over this, I did not beg her to stay, I was stone faced and said I will make all the arrangement. This is not what I wanted at all, But in same way felt as if I was saving face. Sort calling her bluff.

It was only once I read her letter to me, I opened my eyes, and my fake world along with all my insecurities came crashing down. I was a complete and utter pratt, yet I carried an existence to the outside world of a professional young man, with a the perfect little home and perfect little life. My wife tore that that apart, and made me realise there was no real substance to our life, because of me.

When time permits, please read around the forums, you will find answers to 99% of your questions. One thing you need to be clear on, is that this is not your problem, nor are you the cause of it. You can not help him fix himself, HE has do it, and HE has to want to do it for HIM. You can of course support him, and show him the doors that he needs to open to get the help.

Take a deep breath, you will need it. But through a lot of effort on both sides, you really can reap the rewards. My marriage over the last 7 months have been better than i could have ever imagined!

Wish you the best of strength.

FM

[last2know]

Thank you so much for the insight FM. You don't know how valuable it is to me to finally hear the truth from someone whose been there. My husband really does behave as if he is just too embarrassed about being caught and he is divorcing me in order to save his PA. I was so confused because he defends his PA as if it is another woman (no pun intended). I could never find evidence of another woman and now I see why. At the same time, he also appears to not even realise that he has a problem.

He says that I am the one who is sick for "snooping".

I will leave the letter on his pillow tonight. He will meet it here when he and our son come home this evening. I will be out. I can no longer stand to be around when he comes home and the smug attitude that he has most of the time.

I will read these forums so that I can understand this condition.

[apachedove]

I noticed my other half, all his P is mostly teens, and yep he has female friends that he gets the nasty sex jokes. Also when we go anywhere he is always checking out the "girls" right in front of me.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few weeks ago while fishing a girl a few yards away was wearing a tiny swimsuit, he sat right there next to me watching her. I said to him " are you going to fish or sit there and foam at the mouth? He looks at me and said "what"? Well I just walked away shaking my head. What else was I to do, beside tie a rock around his neck and throw him in the deep end. Hmmmm I know I couldn't do that.

And then he wonders why I'm always in a rotten mood and stay to myself! Gee I wonder why.

[dave]

I posted some of my thoughts from a recovering PA's point of view

see
To all the SO's who are going nuts

in the General Section

I hope the letter breaks the denial.
Take care