Limiting intimacy while recovering?

[needsmoresugar]

Hi everyone. I'm a new member, having just discovered my partner's PA at the beginning of the week. It was excrutiating at first, but I am getting through the pain and I am ready and willing to support my boyfriend through his recovery.

However, I'm uncertain of how to handle our own intimacy right now. I've seen on a few different threads mentions of limiting all sexual activity for a period of time, but that seems counterproductive to me... as if you're punishing him for his habits. I don't want to punish him, I want to help him.

Because he was satisfying himself several times a week, our own sex life was very slow. I think that without that other outlet for satisfaction, he will have more interest in being with me. I don't want to him to become frustrated, upset, or resentful, or cause a relapse, if I deny him what should be his only other outlet—myself.

Can immediately continuing our own sex life hinder his recovery in any way?

For the record, he isn't addicted to sex itself, but to the visual stimulation porn provides (and I have made suggestions on how we can fulfill that need together).

Thoughts or advice?

[hope phul]

I am/was also confused about this. Several books recommend abstinence for a agreed period.

I read the books after we had already made love quite a bit following the discovery of his PA. My husband also is not a SA but only to P and MB.

We have sex much more often then before the discovery because he no longer relieves himself. It has worked for us. My husband is now on day 85 of being completely free of P & MB.

I am interested in seeing the responses to your question
C

[FoolishMind]

As a PA for over 10 years and now P & MB free for nearly 7 months, Abstinenance is NOT the way to go as far as im concerned. One does need an outlet. Intimacy between a loved one is natural. It is P that is not. So yes without MB & P, my energy levels trebbled and in turn my desire for my wife, and intimacy in general trippled.

Should be a no brainer.

FM

[Searching4peace]

I feel that the only time abstinence is needed is if the PA is not only a pa but an SA...or a compulsive MB. It is a personal choice though, and to be honest his choice. I just recommend supporting him anyway you are able to without compromising yourself in the process. Do not feel like you have to push yourself to do things you do not want to do...trust me that takes a toll in the long run. I agree with everyone's advise above and wish you the best of luck. Welcome.
peace and love
crys

[Glass_of_water]

I don't think it is about punishing the partner, more about both partners recovering.

Many partners have spent so much time being rejected, so much time feeling unattractive and second rate, so much time where their sexual needs were not met because of their partners P addiction and so much time knowing that our partner preferred mb to p than sex with us it is hard to resume a normal sexual relationship.

We are trying to resume a normal sexual relationship, but I have lost much of my interest. I remember all the things that have happened and I think to myself that the only reason he wants a normal sexual relationship is because he no longer has the p, it has nothing to do with wanting me, he had me all along. That is a hard thing to get over.

So I don't think partners do it to punish their husbands, more to let their wounds heal.

[mamampj]

I have heard this as well, but a period of abstinence is not something that worked for my husband and me yet, as we've worked through our own specific issues.

[soooosad]

Originally Posted by Glass_of_water

I don't think it is about punishing the partner, more about both partners recovering.

Many partners have spent so much time being rejected, so much time feeling unattractive and second rate, so much time where their sexual needs were not met because of their partners P addiction and so much time knowing that our partner preferred mb to p than sex with us it is hard to resume a normal sexual relationship.

We are trying to resume a normal sexual relationship, but I have lost much of my interest. I remember all the things that have happened and I think to myself that the only reason he wants a normal sexual relationship is because he no longer has the p, it has nothing to do with wanting me, he had me all along. That is a hard thing to get over.

So I don't think partners do it to punish their husbands, more to let their wounds heal.

For me it is truly about me healing - exactly like as GOW stated, I need a break - I need to get the old tapes out of my head - I need to feel loved and desired for me, and I need to be a little selfish when it comes to sex - it needs to be about me for a change and he needs to make me feel that I am special and loved, not that he needs a fix. I don't know how long I'll make it - at some point it may seem like punishment for me - maybe then it'll mean I am ready, for now though it feels right and good - also my husband is not admiting a real problem yet and is just stopping the P for me not the M and not because he thinks he has a problem.

I just really still feel so sad and lonely - but I guess I am just having a rough day - haven't had time to post lately and want to start a journal - had to chime in on this though because I am right in the middle of it - thanks - ss

[brokensoul]

I know that what i have beening doing
has hurt my wife
i started to look back at how it started
i didn't want anyone think that i'm putting this on her
i just looked for the easy way out
i have always tried to made things work go around the bumps in the road
it's not that my wife wouldn't that care of me
it became that it started to feel that i was forcing things
as i looked at it she got no please from s@x
the act would give her pain
with the meds she's on even or*l wouldn't please her
she would always please me even when i didn't deserve
her love
i just started to find a cave where i could hide in my mind
maybe get something that i looked for but didn't really need because she was there for me
i just didn't want to really work at it as hard as i should have
(but i am still not sure if i didn't work hard at it i read about all the meds i read about female issues i did press the issue to have her talk to our dr.)
the one thing i am sure of is that i have screwed up
I have been clean for almost 40 days
I really need help getting her back

[needsmoresugar]

Originally Posted by Glass_of_water

We are trying to resume a normal sexual relationship, but I have lost much of my interest. I remember all the things that have happened and I think to myself that the only reason he wants a normal sexual relationship is because he no longer has the p, it has nothing to do with wanting me, he had me all along. That is a hard thing to get over.

That's sort of what's been bothering me, too. I'm worried that every night we don't have sex it'll be because he's already relieved himself (he's thrown out his DVDs but I still fear he will masturbate without them), and I'm worried that when we do have sex, he'll be wishing he was alone with his DVDs instead. I truly want to help him get used to a normal sex life, but it kills me to think that he has to work at wanting to have sex with me.

However, I still don't feel right about abstaining. Half because I don't want to punish him (or myself any further—I have needs, too!) and half because I'm afraid that it'll cause him to continue masturbating.

I guess it's a lose/lose situation, really.

Thank you, everyone, for your replies.

[dave]

At age 56 our sex life has slowed to about 2x a week
P never affected it that much as my problem was constrained to a nightly habit and our mutual sex life was largely untouched.
We never stopped sex during my recovery. I have been clean from P and M for 4 months.
Our relationship is generally quite strong. Sex has been the area of challenge for us for years - even b4 P entered the picture. I have always wanted more and her less. In a way P filled the void for me. But it bothered both of us. Finally 4 months ago she put her foot down. I decided it was time for a change.
I suffered strong withdrawl for about 2 months and still feel it.
My body wanted sex every day but I was determined to keep it to our relationship.
I can see that some PA may need a period of abstinance - perhaps I should have tried this too.

I still want more sex but that is not reasonable in our 36 year marriage. I am trying to adjust.
At some point I may return to some M but I am taking my time on this decison. For more info on this check out my recent journal entries
But this is where we are at.
Hope this helps to see the larger picture of how different relationships handle this.

Take care.
Dave