He won't let go....

[janrube]

Hi.
I've been reading everyone else's stories since Nov. 29 2007 when I discovered page after page of teen porn sites on my husband's internet history. I also found a new mobile browser installed on his cell phone that had dating sites and chat rooms, etc.
I'm a school teacher and mother of 2 teens and was not only overwhelmed by the discovery but so incredibly busy...Your stories kept me company into the wee hours of the night when I couldn't sleep. Thank you to so many of you.
After joining a support group for partners of SA, and saw counsellors and therapists, I finally disclosed to my husband what I knew. He has refused any counselling, refuses to talk to me at all and has installed special security systems on his computer and phone so I can't see anything.
Finally, after leaving notes, emails, phone messages and begging with him to work with me, I have seen a lawyer and have decided to leave him. The lawyer has warned me against leaving the house without a separation agreement because it can be construed as abandonment and I will lose my half of the house.
Now he refuses to deal with me about separating. While my kids are away for a few weeks for camp, I have tried every way possible to get him to engage with me. I have chosen to try to go the route of non-confrontation with joint custody so as not to take the girls through the mess of court, etc. They love their Dad so much and I really don't want to damage that relationship, although as you can imagine, I feel pretty nervous with him "into teens..." but he has been a great Dad and great partner until about 5 years ago. We've been together 19 years.
Now I'm waiting for him to go to a lawyer to respond to my lawyer's initial letter to him. He says he'll go on Aug. 8. My girls come back before then and I so wish we could discuss how to tell them, where we'll live, etc. so we could be ready before they get back. I'm not even sure he'll be willing to tell them with me. I have decided to tell them on my own even if he won't .
So now I'm just working away on my own trying to clear up the house, work on my financial papers, etc. I'd really like to sell the house soon before the market dives ( here in Canada it's still OK...but starting to drop) and before the school year gets too advanced. He just refuses to discuss it, walking out every time I try to talk to him.
So all in all, he and I haven't talked in 8 months unless the kids are in the room. I'm sure they know something is up. It's so painful, frustrating and at times feels hopeless. I think he's perfectly happy with the status quo....We all leave in the morning and are gone all day. He's an artist and works at home in his shop, probably happily spending hours viewing "his girls." In fact, he's told me that the only problem is that I "don't have a fantasy life."
Just wondering if anybody out there has gone through this kind of thing....

[Abbie]

I haven't, well not yet anyway. But if you need to talk about how his addiction has affected you then I'm all ears! Not sure if anyone else on here has gone through what you're describing, but I'm sure as soon as people see your post they'll jump on it.

I'm sending a big hug your way as it's sounds like you're having more than a rough time of things...... >:D<

[Newman]

I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. My wife and I have been married 32 years. I allowed porn to be a part of my life in varying amounts for all those years. Sadly, too many of us husbands don't realize just how disastrous this stuff can be to our wives and children, people who are completely innocent. Of course, its disastrous to us too but we don't see that either. When I realized that my job, my family and everything I'd managed to achieve was at risk I decided to get some help. I hope your husband wakes up and comes to his senses soon. If that doesn't happen, I wish you and your children the best.

[AirKeep]

Sorry, can't say I've been on that side. When I was 'discovered' by my ex, the scenario played out the reverse of yours. I'd come home, she'd leave. I'd write letters, Id' try to talk, and barely a word. Understandably so, she was very hurt and a few other things going on, so I can somewhat relate to the part about trying to talk and being shut out. Of course, most SO here know what's it's like to be inadvertantly shut out.
I do know what you can do, and seem to be doing, is taking care of yourself. As hard as it seems you've tried to get through this, it seems like you're the one putting forth all the effort. Not sure what's going on in your husbands mind, probably a lot, but that doesn't seem to be coming out, sorry.
I do wish the best for you and your daughters.

[cmperry]

Very sorry to hear what you are going through, but I am happy to see a woman very much in control of her life and emotions. Well you've made it through the first part, the decision, and you really sound like you have all your ducks in a row. I cannot give you any advice on telling your children, each child will take this news differantly, I suggest searching a few family law websites which usually have tips on how to effectivly communicate a divorce or seperation to your kids. Perhaps this is the motivation that he needs to realize what he has gotten into and attempt to pull himself out. I wish you the very best!

[cmperry]

I do know what you can do, and seem to be doing, is taking care of yourself. As hard as it seems you've tried to get through this, it seems like you're the one putting forth all the effort. Not sure what's going on in your husbands mind, probably a lot, but that doesn't seem to be coming out, sorry.
I do wish the best for you and your daughters.

I just wanted to say I very very much agree, keep on keeping on, things will look up one way or another!

[Avegan]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through.. it's hard for me to believe how important P seems to be to some men. Best wishes.

[janrube]

Dear forum members,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am crying while I write this to you....This experience has truly given me the flip side of the dark side of the internet that I have unfortunately seen all too close. You have shown me such caring and reaffirmation.
After reading the first few responses to my posting, I sat down and wrote a deeply emotional letter to my husband. I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, writing and rewriting the letter. It also followed cleaning out the kids' toys from when they were babies...
This morning I woke to find a response by email, finally. He was able to find something that spoke to him and has agreed to see a mediator recommended by his lawyer and move forward with the divorce in a way that will save our children the more destructive aspects of divorce proceedings.
Although deep in my heart, I would have hoped that he would "have seen the light", I am satisfied that we can now separate and he won't keep me in this house of pain indefinitely.
Since I also worry about how his addiction will ultimately affect my girls, at least now I'll be able to have contact with him through a third person and hopefully "protect" my girls from the influence of his sex addiction.
Now I feel even more motivated to find the right kind of counsellor to help my kids when they need it and to get on with the difficult job of clearing out 19 years of a marriage.
Once again your words have been so welcome to my eyes and heart.

thank you

[cmperry]

!!!!!! A responce, in my book any responce is a good thing! So many of us spend so much time just waiting and waiting for some sort of acknowledment of the problem, and although it isn't the best responce it is deffinetly better than a cold shoulder and dealing with how the kids wil react on your own. Two people created this marriage, so it should be two people that explains why it is being dissolved. Thank you for sharing your story with us Janrube!

[brulant]

Hi.
Just wondering if anybody out there has gone through this kind of thing....

I'm truly very sorry with a resounding feeling of empathy. I wasn't married, but I did have to leave and I have never regretted it. It was painful at times and there are grieving processes which will need to happen, but I have faith that you will love a life based off of truth.

Again I was never married, but I did find out an incredibly enlightening fact the other day in all of my research. I really wish I could find it in these too few moments I have on here right now because the exact reference is staggering in its truth.

I can say without doubt or question that you are not alone. I don 't know about on here, but there is a staggering truth that the world doesn't talk about.

I don't remember the exact year, but it was either a stat from 2003 or 2004..... possibly 2002 even. (grrrrrrr me because its in my 100's of bookmarked pages, too!) The statistic came from some kind of National League of American Legal Defense or Lawyers or something like that. I'm so sorry because this should actually be backed up, too.

Anyway, it said that 50% of divorces cited p as a main reason.
That combined with the increase of availability and awareness of how divorce rates have been rising means that this is a HUGE problem which the world doesn't know about in even more vast and astounding ways.

I will start pouring over my old links and history to see if I can find the official statement/statistic for you and everything.

even if there are no others on here please know that you are not alone

much love and a great big huge hug
brulant