How I am feeling and an introduction

[hope phul]

Hi,
I am new to this site but have really been encouraged to read others posts.

I have been married to who I thought was the man of my dreams for 8 years. We dated in college for 4 years before marrying. We are both christians and talk openly about everything...so I thought. I have asked if he struggled any more with porn as I knew that he had a subscription to playboy as a teen. He said no.

On May 13, I found a prayer that he had written in a journal from our dating years. I read it and was appalled at what was written. I confronted him and asked if he used to MB while we were dating. He at first lied and said that was before me. But after sharing more of this heartfelt letter that he wrote, he hung his head and said he could lose everything that he holds dear. At which point he confessed that he has bee viewing porn and masturbating the entire time of our relationship. He tried so hard to fight it but could never overcome it. He said he was afraid to share with me because he felt he would lose me. I was/am devastated. I forgave/forgive him. But that choice doesn't make the battle in my mind disappear. My husband was my fairytale. We had a very happy marriage and 2 wonderful children.

He has been completely P and MB free for 72 days. I am so proud of him. He has worked really hard to fight this. He has been depressed because of the pain he has caused me. I feel happy a lot of the days and then I get down and saddened on others without a logical explanation. When will these up and down feelings stop? When will all of the feelings stop that I listed in the next post? Why do they keep bombarding me when he is doing so well with fighting the temptations?

[hope phul]

How do I feel? I wrote this late last night when I couldn't sleep. I shared some of it with my husband but it only overwhelmed him and made him feel worthless. Why does he focus on that instead of helping me feel better. I have done nothing but try to encourage him and focus on him for the last 72 days.
I feel inferior. I feel fat. I feel like I need to lose weight so when the time comes, I can be attractive to others.
I feel hopeless. I feel like I am not good enough.
I feel frustrated because by sharing how I feel, it overwhelms my husband.I feel hurt that my husband is overwhelmed by everything and I take a back burner
I feel betrayed.I feel like I am in a drowning wave pool.I feel helpless. I feel let down.I feel sad. I feel alone, so alone. I feel lonely
I feel deceived.I feel changed in a negative way.I feel angry.I feel bitter. I feel resentful.I feel unable to get a handle on this
I feel frustrated.I feel like I want to lash out.I feel like that won’t solve anything. I feel like having an affair.I feel like maybe then my husband would understand my not “just getting over it”.I know this isn’t the best solution but I just want to feel loved and desired.
I feel like I have to be strong and that is that last thing I am feeling. I feel like I should be perfect and move on. I can’t move on. I can’t stop thinking of my past unknown deceived 12 years of my life.
I feel unimportant. I feel 2nd , 3rd, 4th to everything else in my husbands life
I feel disconnected from my heart and brain. I have read enough to understand porn addiction but I can’t understand it in my heart and in my situation.
I feel confused.I feel hurt. I feel like I am whirling inside
I feel like I have to go on because the world goes on while I seem to be stuck in a time warp
I feel innocence lost.I feel like I want out but I don’t want to go anywhere.I feel angry that my kids have to grow up in this.I feel frustrated that I have worked so hard to protect my heart and I still have all of these feelings.
I feel tricked in to marrying someone that I didn’t really marry. I was tricked to believe I was marrying a pure man who loved me and would always put me first (after God). In truth Porn Stars were first in his life. I was a distant second.
I feel angry that I have to live with this for the rest of my life.I feel frustrated that it is up to me to heal myself. My H doesn’t see the extreme importance of doing things to make me feel special or build me up. He tore me down to nothing and I have to rebuild me, us our family.
I feel like it is all on my shoulders. It overwhelms and depresses my H to even think about having to deal with me.
I feel frustrated that H feels like he is doing all he knows how. How did he do all of those kind and sweet things when we were dating. Do I not mean that to him now? I am not worth investing the effort and energy that he invested into porn stars? Am I not worth forgetting all of the other crap in the world and just thinking of me (ie finances, old house, etc) I feel so inferior to the porn stars and everything else.
I want to know EVERY secret. I want to hear details. I want all of this out in the open. I feel conflicted on that feeling because will this help or hurt?
I desperately want a friend in a similar situation to talk to and understand what I am going through. I feel so alone not having anyone to talk to that understands what I am going through.
I feel like I want this all to end. I want my fairytale back. I want to pretend none of this exists. I want to be happy go lucky again. I want to enjoy life without this huge black cloud engulfing me.
I want my H to understand what I am feeling without getting depressed and overwhelmed.
I want my H to stop focusing so much on himself and focus on the wife he has destroyed.
I want to be able to share how I feel without having to turn around and forget how I feel so that I can comfort my H.
I want H to be encouraged by his 72 days of success.I don’t want him to beat himself up but to focus on rebuilding.
I want to trust again.I want to believe the best in people.I want to stop looking at every man as a pervert or porn addict I want a close friend.I desperately want a close friend that understand this.
I want this to be over.I want happiness again. I want to stop obsessing over how fat or ugly I am. I want to be secure in who God sees me as.
I want to lose weight for the right reasons not because I want to prove to my H that I am better than these porn stars.
I don’t want to be bitter or resentful. I am trying desperately to protect my heart from this poison. It is pounding at my heart’s door begging to be let in. I feel weary in keeping it out.
I feel emotional. That is a no brainer!I feel like I should not be feeling all of this stuff.
I want my H to overcome this depression and worry. I want him to be encouraged with his progress and life and not overwhelmed with life.
I want to feel taken care of.I want to feel loved and cherished.I want to feel valued.I want to feel attractive.
I want to know that we are now in a pure relationship without all of those other women in our bed.
I want to be able to go out with the girls and not worry the whole time if my husband is looking at porn and masturbating.
I want to stop being so curious how all of this stuff works. What is porn like. What did H want to see. What is he attracted to? What were his search criteria. What were the videos in his vault? Why did he choose those videos to keep and watch over and over again. How did he masturbate? What were the MNO nights like when I was gone. Did he do it around the kids. What were business trips like. Where did he masturbate in a hotel room?
Is it worth knowing all of these secrets?
Is it true that he doesn’t picture other girls when we have sex?
Should I stay, is it worth it? Am I in for a lifetime of hurt and betrayal. Is my H going to overcome this or eventually just give into it.
How do I protect my heart? Should I protect my heart? Should I set boundaries?
Will my H slip up and give in to these urges and temptations?
Can I do anything to help him not to give in?

Sorry for the long post, I have a lot of feelings going on in my head:)

[Searching4peace]

Hope Phul,

I want to tell you that I feel your pain, and understand what you are going through. I'm going to link you several threads that I think will help you get your recovery into perspective along with some outside links that others have lead us to.

New, no longer with old PA, discovered side effects, though

I recommend reading the external links within this thread, because they may help you to see the importance of your own recovery track.

Under the Partners Forum area, there is the Journals for so's. I recommend you start a journal, which it seems you've done here...I might even go as far as having admin move this thread into the journal area. With our journals we can focus our frustrations, growth steps, and general emotions into words that others can read and give positive feedback on. We are a community of acceptance and understanding and are so glad that you are here.

This is a link to a thread that mimics some of your concerns

Is it really not about me? Am I over reacting?

This is an information thread I started, with some general info and some links to things that helped me in my growth path...
Recovery For Pa Partners

and last I recommend you read Porn and sex addiction resources

Welcome to our little family, and I look forward to getting to know you better.

peace and love,
Me ~

[soooosad]

Hope phul: I can't tell you how moved I am; I so want my husband to read this! but that will probably never happen! Thanks for sharing it - you are so not alone - be good to yourself! - ss

[brokensoul]

i find all these threads from the other side of this issue
helpful because i put myself in a tunnel
i did what i did for me
i never thought about what it would do to my wife
untill she left the print outs about my dirty deeds on my key pad
i thought i was hiding it so well she asked me to stop this 3 years ago,she find bookmarks on my computer
but i didn't i just hide it as well as i thought^:)^
I did wake up the she leave those print outs
for me the tunnel is gone
i'm working on getting trust back>:D<

[Glass_of_water]

Hope phul, that list of how you feel was an amazing list which has described the emotions and feelings I have everyday. I will get my husband to read this list because it expresses so many feeling that I was unable to articulate.

My husband has been P free for a similar amount of time and I am still wrestling with the up and down emotions I feel on a daily, hourly, even minutely basis.

I told my husband that the issue with us is no longer the P, that is being resolved, the real issue for us to overcome is my feelings about my own self worth, and I can't even imagine a time when I will have a feeling or worth again.

[hope phul]

I told my husband that the issue with us is no longer the P, that is being resolved, the real issue for us to overcome is my feelings about my own self worth, and I can't even imagine a time when I will have a feeling or worth again.

I agree, I have a big issue now with my self worth! My husband is trying so hard. Since I was so oblivious about any of this for 12 years, and he was a good husband (despite this secret life of P) that I have a hard time finding much weight now in his words and even actions. In general during our marriage he has been kind and loving to me. Now with this new knowledge of PA, I feel like all of that was fake. He says he really meant it even then. He says he loves me and has never loved P. He hated it but kept being drawn back like he was chained to it. He was involved in P from a very young age...8. So I do understand that he was enslaved to it long before he met me. But that doesn't cushion the blow to my heart that he chose that time and time again.

Thanks for your response. It is very helpful to know that I am not going insane with all of these feelings. I wish I could wave a magic wand and feel good about myself again.

Hope Phul

[Abbie]

Hi Hope_phul!

You ask when these feelings will stop, and I don't think there is a definitive answer to that question. I have known about my husband's addiction for five years now and during the whole time my emotions were yo-yoing around all over the place.

• You want to help him - but you also want to make him 'pay' and repent.
• You want your relationship back the way it was - but you don't want to let him 'get away' with what he's done.
• You love him, you hate him, you feel sorry for him, you don't.

There are so many feelings, thoughts and questions in your head when you first find out about the addiction that it's no wonder they all came tumbling out in your post.

You are on the right track by coming here, where there are so many of us women (married, cohabitating, christian, atheist) in the same boat. On the same journey.

I found some relief in just writing my story down on these forums (as already suggested, in a journal). Then comes the support, people I had never known before flocked to my side and just talked to me about it. This will happen with you too, every partner of an addict here can identify with you in some way, and between us all we can build a framework of support which can help you.

I really feel strongly that just taking the first step and talking about what is happening in your life can help tremendously. It also brings relief that you are not going crazy, and also that you know there is a problem and it's not just you.

I really hope you stay on here and get the support you need >:D<

PS Have you suggested your husband come on here also?

[Avegan]

Hi Hope_Phul, hope you're ok.

I can really relate to those feelings, but for me they are starting to disappear. Keep strong and you'll be ok. My man is doing really well at the moment, but i'm still always worried it will come back.. and when i think about it, those feelings start to come rushing back!! *hugs*. x

[AirKeep]

hope phul, thanks for the posts.

As you probably already know, no one can really answer those questions for you. You can get what others are feeling (and know it's not just you), you can read about their experiences (and gain some insight and support), you can learn about the PA side of it (which you mention you've done), and after all that, you are stil the one with these feelings and the one that has to deal with and sort through them. Not even as the PA in your life, I can say I'm sorry, and as you mention with your PA, you can wonder if it's fake.
I wish I could print out what you felt/feel, and put it up on my computer and say this is what you're really choosing, when you choose what you do, this is really what you're getting (besides all the feelings I felt). I can look at your and so many other SO's posts, and it makes me sad, sad that even when knowing all that (maybe intellectually, not emotionally), a PA still continues to struggle and make the choices I (we) do.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, and although you've come here for support from others, thanks as well for what it brings to some of us. I admire those SO's who now have this thrust on them, through no choice of their own, and are somewhat 'expected' to now step up and do the bigger thing, while the PA didn't. What that 'bigger' thing is, I won't say, as that would be my opinion on what I think the outcome could be, and I'm sure that doesn't help. My SO wanted the fairytale back as well, and unfortunately it was ripped from her.
I hope at some point, the peace, happiness and comfort you deserve, finds you.