New, no longer with old PA, discovered side effects, though

[brulant]

Hi everyone
I'm totally new here, but I've recently figured out that I still need to work through a lot of grieving processes and PTSD responses after having my life destroyed by a PA..... rather several of them along with lots of legal stuff, losing my job, my friends and my community. I received the consequences that weren't mine to bear because too many people didn't want to see the truth and they needed to blame me. It was highly traumatic and disturbing.

While I pressed charges on much of what happened I wasn't allowed to talk about it by the legal system, but the perpetrators (PA's) did a lot of "damage control" in order to destroy my credibility and integrity in the community and amongst mutual friends. I found that culturally people are trained to react certain ways.... my ex-bf was aware of this kind of social stuff long before I was.... he was also a master manipulator (as most PA's and Addicts are) and I have always prided myself on my honesty and integrity. People used to like and value that about me until it was something that they didn't want to or like to hear.

Its been a couple of years since the traumas occurred related to the PA stuff, but I'd finally started dating someone and I'm finding myself not only triggered, but having PTSD like responses to porn. This new guy thinks I'm obsessed, but in reality I'm surrounded by it everywhere. It was triggered by his own collection first, but other things have happened.

Basically I know that porn is incredibly misogynistic and racist. He doesn't want to know... of course. ; )

I've tried to challenge my assumptions, but over and over I find that I don't mind my responses. I know that that means that we probably won't last, but I still have to exist in this world that doesn't want to know what I know and it wants to blame me for having been affected negatively by it.

I'm a huge advocate for not blaming the victim and I know how quickly the world loves to do just this. I've lived this through both the legal system, but also through the community I was once a part of and through other social networks.

I'm incredibly tired of the "boys will be boys" and "girls are responsible" dynamics that we are shoveled as females. I am able to compromise and I am able to challenge my assumptions, but I am unable to take on the shame and responsibility that isn't mine to bear. I have learned the lesson of having extreme boundaries when it comes to those who are incapable of compromising and I know that the world will more willingly and easily blame me by nature of my gender.... everyone knows that women are nurturing and born mothers, right, and mothers/women give up their lives for everyone around them to live happily and at peace. Women shouldn't be angry, but should be perpetually happy, right?! ugh.

I'm desperately trying to maintain the boundary of my personal integrity and right to be angry, but I don't want to take out the anger sideways. By nature of my gender anger is always used against me no matter how valid it may be, right!!!! <grrrr>

Anyway..... thanks for letting me intro and vent.

I look forward to learning, growing and sharing more.
with much appreciation and respect for all
and a fellow shoulder and tears

I just want to say that no matter how much blame and responsibility the world wants to put on you rather than hold all parties accountable I can only hope that you join me in maintaining the boundary that the cause does not justify the effect and the effects are never to blame.

If we'd all known the truth up front I don't think any of us would have ever had to be here.

That's the sad truth.... but one that not many want to hear.

So. How do I maintain my strength and dignity in the face of a world that has its fingers in its ears?

How can I fight a world which cries anti-censorship as a way to silence truth?

Will this turmoil that rages within me ever end?

How can we maintain that the lie of the sex industry destroys the mental and physical health of the ones who make it? Why does everyone need me to be to blame or the girls who were being exploited and hurt by it!!!!!!? Why do we blame the effects as being the cause? So quickly things are shifted to hide the truth so that the fantasy and lie can be upheld!

I hate this!!!!
If there was no market then what would the world be like!
That's the question that I always come back too.... but the "market" doesn't like that to be spoken aloud and they get irrationally angry while accusing me of being angry (like they are).

thanks and sorry about the length.
I'm notoriously a lengthy writer just so y'all know.
brulant

[Searching4peace]

Wow, umm...words escape me at the moment...and that is not something that happens to me often. I think all I can pull off at the moment is a breathy /amen sister.

Welcome, this is a great group of people and I'm glad you are now a part of it. Don't worry about being to lengthy a writer, we have a few of those our selves.../raises hand...at least when the mood strikes us. Just wanted to say, can't wait to get to know you, and hope your recovery is a peaceful one.

Peace and Love,
Me~

[cmperry]

Wow what powerful words my friend in this struggle! I thought you may be interested in this page or maybe even talking to her if it's located around your area http://bsteffens.com/Documents/Traum...b%20slides.pdf

[Abbie]

Welcome! I hope you find a way through your past. This site has helped me so much, I hope it does you also.

[brulant]

Wow what powerful words my friend in this struggle! I thought you may be interested in this page or maybe even talking to her if it's located around your area http://bsteffens.com/Documents/Traum...b%20slides.pdf

Unfortunately the site doesn't seem to be letting me see the document even after trying to go through the home page or to other documents. I will try again later, though.

Thank you
brulant

[cmperry]

hmm it's a pdf file, were you able to visit her website just the bsteffens.com

[brulant]

I definitely could not get on, but I did do a google search using the same words as keywords and found some other really great sites and resources so thank you nonetheless.

I do admit to having always found a *huge* lack of stuff for victims/survivors of sexual abuse who were abused as adults.... most of the resources are about child sexual abuse survivors and/or stranger danger kinds of stuff even though the majority are neither strangers nor against children. The levels of world denial are really pretty staggering.

Whether we like to admit it or not, and I know at one time I didn't, we are going through forms of sexual abuse.

I found an amazing article during the search on the effects of p on men which delves into how it affects partners and children as well.

*****quick addition by brulant/me******************************
This link was removed by administrators due to images that were contained throughout the article. There will be references to this removal in following messages just to let you all know. I am attempting to see if I can get the author to do an article link minus the images. This may or may not be successful since the article was published in a major men's magazine and things will possibly have to progress through the editors of that publication.
*****and now back to the rest of the original post minus the link*****

and here is a wonderful essay that was applicable to my (others!) situation(s)
This Is A War - TRAUMA

It deals very much with the social implications which affected me incredibly deeply!

I truly wish that more of the world understood how the effects of trauma and healing are vastly a social issue despite what the myths say.

Thanks so much again for the words to help me flounder towards what I needed to find!

Now if I can get my friggin' Amygdala to work with me to get past all of this.
<grin>

brulant
brulant

[still_angry]

Wow what powerful words my friend in this struggle! I thought you may be interested in this page or maybe even talking to her if it's located around your area http://bsteffens.com/Documents/Traum...b%20slides.pdf

Holy Cow! I answered yes to every single thing listed in that :(

[brulant]

Maybe its not Mac friendly or it wants me to have a different browser or add on.
Oh well.

[brulant]

Wow what powerful words my friend in this struggle! I thought you may be interested in this page or maybe even talking to her if it's located around your area http://bsteffens.com/Documents/Traum...b%20slides.pdf

I went through another web browser and was able to see it. Unfortunately it is more for someone who is still currently with an active PA/SA.

Once again I still find myself in that no man's land of "was never married to and is not currently effected by said PA". Its the same reason that I'm not sure I belong on here, either. Problem is I need to find support somewhere and since this isn't a socially acceptable issue I'm forced into the shadows and under the rug... out of sight out of mind.

Damn this addiction and its effects are insidious!!!

; )

brulant