please help - should i tell my mom

[olliesmom]

i'm hoping someone here can help me.

my mother just found out tonight that her long-time partner hit on another woman at a family funeral. the 'other woman' called my mom and told her that my step-dad told her he had other women, that he was into three-somes and that he did a lot of web-cam and Internet sex and gave her a few email addresses that he uses.

My mom confronted my step-dad who told her that it was only internet stuff and that he never sleeps with people. My mom is at my house right now and will tomorrow be trying to figure out whether or not to stay with him.

In the meantime, I went on my step-dad's computer because I recognized one of the emails that the 'other woman' had given my mom from his Messenger software. I was able to download and print a few chats he had a couple years ago.

One is a chat with a man where he says he is bi, that his wife doesn't know, and that when he goes into the city for work (twice a week) he can get together for 'quickies'. Another is a chat with a woman that my mom also knows and it seems that they have slept together in the past.

I am reeling. My mom is in her 60s, so this is a huge deal if they split up. She was betrayed before, by my father, also a sex addict, who ended up having an affair and seems to be saying that she isn't at all sure what to do. My step-dad said tonight that he'd go into counselling (and that he isn't into men) but my mom says she doesn't think that will work- he is her age.

I don't know whether or not to tell her about these chats or to go to my step-dad and tell him that I know or what. It seems pretty obvious to me that he is lying, lying, lying and I know it will kill my mom if she decides to stay with him only to be betrayed over and over again. Whenever they go anywhere, he is always ogling young women and that drives her crazy, too.

He does, of course, have his good side, as well. And he takes care of her (she is handicapped) and I just don't know... Please help me! I am at a loss and am really uncertain whether or not I should step in.

Please help. I really need some advice.

[cmperry]

Well this is a toughy, on one hand you want to be loyal to your mother, but then again this is such a devistating blow. If I were you I think I would let your step dad know what you've found and give him the opportunity to come clean to your mom on his own.

[FoolishMind]

HI olliesmom, echoing Cmperry here that this is a toughy. That said, I think your going to gain a few posts here of advice of which some will be differing. neither of which will hold more credibility than the other. Ultimatley, you know what is best for your mother, and you know the balance of good and bad of your step dad.

Im going to make some assumptions, so of course based on my assumption, I can be way off here.

Your mother has taken a blow like this before, and being handicaped may also make her have potentially more insecurities within. Therefore by you telling her all, could really knock her for six.

At the same time, She should not live blind, and your step dad should have respect for her and her family.

This said, he clearly has a problem, that he may be aware of subconsiously, but does not feel the need to do anything about it, yet im positive deep down he will feel very guilty about it.

So from what i have gathered, I would play on the guilt.

Perhap you send him an e-mail / letter (not in person so there is no confrontation) and let him know that you know everything, and that you will not tell your mother, but you insist he changes his ways, or tell your mother and seek help.

Thoughts?

[soooosad]

I agree with FM with on big exception - your mom deserves to know - as painful as it is; it is her decision to make and she should not be in the dark - best if he comes clean but if not then you should tell her! - an e-mail to him letting him know you know all and will tell if he doesn't sounds reasonable. But I don't think you should delay -

I am so sorry! ss

[olliesmom]

thanks so much for your thoughts, everyone.

when my mom got up this morning she is still set on leaving my step-dad, based on everything she DOES know which is, as I've said, not nearly all of it. I've decided that I am going to wait and see what happens - if she leaves him, there is no need to tell her the most terrible stuff (although I will advise her to get some tests done), and if she wavers and isn't sure what she should do and is talking about needing "more proof" than I think I will talk with my step-dad and give him the opportunity to come clean. He does not need to tell her the worst of it - just that he has had other physical relationships. That would totally do it for my mom.

My step-dad once hit on my sister-in-law. I approached him about that (didn't tell my mom - she doesn't know) and told him I was watching him, but how much watching can one do when so much of this is going on in secret (the internet, and he is out of town a lot for work)?

I am shocked and disgusted by the revelation of this double life. He is much, much worse off than my dad ever was. I think he is completely in denial too. But my mother is incredibly strong. She is amazing me, as well. I think she suspected this was coming. I think she was somehow ready for it, although the hardest days are yet to come.

[olliesmom]

hi everyone ~ this day is proving to be such a nightmare. my step-dad is "sad," my mom tells me, that she is trying to leave him. she just called me and i could hear how exhausted she is. i am terribly worried that she is going to try and work it out, with him going to counselling, without knowing the whole truth. if he were able to admit he has a problem, that would be one thing. but he's told her he's not even interested in men - when i have in my hands a chat between him and some guy, talking about arranging a time to meet for a BJ.... this is really going to kill her. all of it. i guess i will just bide my time and wait.... her brother just died and now this. =((

[olliesmom]

My step-father has been convincing my mother that the other woman was slightly crazy, that it wasn't his fault, and crying and saying he can't lose her. She told me that she was thinking of continuing with him, if he gets counselling. I told her he is still lying. I didn't tell her how I know that (the chats).

I just wrote to him and told him what I know and that he has to tell her at least some of the truth (not the very worst of it, the parts that will nearly do her in) but that he is having sex with other women - either he tells her, or I will. I haven't heard from him yet and now I'm afraid that he will become violent - My mom told me that in the past he was violent with a woman who found out his addictions.

My mom is at a meeting right now and will be coming back to my house soon, before she goes home, because I asked her to. He hasn't written me back yet. I should have thought of this... and maybe not written him until she was safe, somewhere else... I am trying to decide what I can tell her, how I can keep her here for awhile, at least until I hear back from him..... Any thoughts? Please help!

[Searching4peace]

I pray for her sake that she is safe, and that you have made the right decisions. I can't imagine being in this position, it must be overwhelming. All I can say is that I know you being there for her is a great thing, just don't forget about yourself in the process. Be safe, and the best of luck.

Peace and love,
Me

[olliesmom]

Thank you. I told her about two of the chats - turns out she knew about one of them! I told her I think she is enabling him... She is! She provided him today with all kinds of excuses, about how he's a narcissist, which he just emailed to me in defense of the chats. He said NOTHING about the man. I wrote back and told him I didn't know how to handle it right now, that it's too much... Tried to defuse it because she's now headed back home, very upset. I'm worried that I am too involved... Anyway, my relationship with him is over. Unless he is one day able to say "I am a sex addict" and I can't see that happening....

[Abbie]

Your mother is very lucky to have such a caring child, I applaud you for being mature enough to research the problem before diving in at the deep end.

I hope everything works out, keep us updated, we are here >:D<