Jokes & Humour

[Abbie]

An old favourite of mine from the playground:

A criminal called Fred died and went to hell, when he got there the devil said

"Right, you get to choose your punishment yourself. I'm going to show you three rooms and you must choose one to live in for all eternity"

"That sounds easy" thought Fred.

"However" said the devil, "once you have turned down a room you cannot go back to it and choose it later".

"Great, show me the rooms" replied Fred.

The first room they entered was full of men up to their necks in sewage, all gagging from the stink, vomiting freely over each other.

Fred thought for a moment, then said

"I definitely don't want this room, nothing could be as bad as what those guys are going through".

They moved to the next room which was full of men up to their waists in sewage.

"Hey, it's getting better" thought Fred, so thinking the next room would be better still, he turned this one down too.

"This is the last room" the devil said "so you must choose it".

The room was full of men up to their knees in shit, sitting on chairs and reading the paper whilst drinking what looked like tea.

"Great!" grinned Fred, "lemme in!".

Just then, the devil said

"Right lads, tea breaks over, back on your heads!".

[FoolishMind]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks w hat's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12”high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish ,just one wish! each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[FoolishMind]

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

[Daniel]

A New York City attorney wanted to go duck hunting on the American fly-way. He traveled to south Texas. On his first shot the duck fell on the other side of a fence line.

He straddled the fence and picked up his duck, then noticed a low rumble.

He turned to see an old Farmer sitting on a dusty tractor staring at him blankly.

"What're ya doin'?" said the Farmer

"What's it look like I'm doing?! I'm getting my duck!" the Attorney exclaims.

The Farmer replied, "Well look-ee-here, that may well be your duck. But you're standin' on my land."

The Attorney replied, "There's no way for you to know that I'm probably the smartest attorney that New York City has ever seen. If I can't get my duck, I will sue you, take that tractor, your ranch, farm, livestock and even your clothes."

The Farmer chuckled and said, "You ain't from south Texas. Down here we don't settle little things like this in court. We use the 'Texas 3-Kick Rule".

The barrister admits he's never heard of the rule. "How does it work?" he asks.

The Farmer says, "Well, I kick you three times, you kick me three times, and so on, until one of us gives up. Then the other one of us wins."

The Attorney sizes up the old Farmer and figures he can take him.

"I get to go first" said the Farmer.

"OK" the Attorney agrees.

The Farmer slid off the tractor's seat. His first kick hit the Attornney squarely in the groin. The 2nd kick went for the kidneys. The third kick nearly wiped the Attorney's nose off his face.

The Farmer then stood back and waited patiently.

After several minutes the Attorney regained his feet and slobbered,
"OK, mmpphh ... Now it's MY TURN!"

The Farmer said, "Nah. You can have the duck."

[jack]

Texan to Oxford Graduate

Texan : Where are you from ?
Oxford Guy : I am from a place where we don't end sentences in prepositions.
Texan : OK , Where are you from JACKASS.

[Daniel]

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
- Sharon Stone


LINK to the site with the original quote, maintained by a computer science prof at the University of Virginia.



Others from the same site:

"Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain." - Friedrich von Schiller (1759-1805)
[apply this one to myself]



"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)



"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." - James Branch Cabell

[Daniel]

A traveling salesman gets a flat tire along the highway.

As he begins changing the tire, he haphazardly notices that he's broke down across the road from a funny farm (mental institution).

Futhermore, one of the more engaged patients, with his fingers gripping the chain-link fence, has begun watching his every move as he works to change the tire.

All at once, a speeding car comes over the hill, swerves to miss the salesman-turned-tire-changer, but knicks the pile of lug nuts, flinging them in all directions.

The hapless salesman vents his frustration at not being able to attach the tire for several minutes then relaxes contemplative against the car.

Then he remembers his lone spectator and screams,

"What are YOU LOOKING AT!"

Unperturbed, the institutionalized man says,

"If you take one lug nut from each of the other wheels, you can secure the spare enough to make it to town and get a new set of lug nuts."

The saleman immediately grasps the idea and complies heartily.

A few minutes later, with the spare mounted and the jack and lug wrench in the trunk the salesman thanks the man and says,

"That was a great idea. Why are you in there anyway?"

The man replied,

"I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."