Jokes & Humour

[TrueBlue]

I was going to be a mime once, but I talked myself out of it.






Sorry, I know, it's a real groaner.

[FoolishMind]

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs and the barman says,

"You've got a steering wheel between your legs!"

The man replies, "I know its driving me nuts!"

[FoolishMind]

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[rumblebuffin]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

[FoolishMind]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[castaway16]

FM, I LOL'd, real loud. Thank god there was no one to stare at me here.

[Daniel]

A female airline traveler decides to buy a favorite little bag of cookies to snack on before boarding the plane.

Purchase complete, she makes her way to the lounge area and gets comfortable behind her newspaper.

Stirring from her paper, she spies the cookies in the adjacent chair and reaches in for a couple of morsels.

From behind her paper she detects the crinkly sound of the cookie bag and peeks from her paper in time to note the man on the opposite side of the empty chair between them is retracting his hand with HER COOKIES!

She reaches into the bag to assert her control and ownership and throws a glare at the man (HOW DARE HE!, and not even ask!).

To her astonishment, he actually takes a few more cookies, and glares back at her.

Barely able to hold back a yell, she reaches for a few more cookies, glare complete; he does the same -she manages to grab the last cookie and is having fantasies of writing the local newspaper editor with a blistering commentary on modern peoples' lack of civility, cordiality, social graces, and plain old fashioned respect for personal property.

Thoroughly mad, she stomps away in a huff at the call to board the plane.

Following the struggle to finally attain her seat for the flight, she reaches into her purse to re-check her seat assignment, hears a strange crinkly sound, and pulls out her unopened bag of favorite cookies.

[ocja0201]

A skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop.