Jokes & Humour

[Cobalt]

One of my favorites:

Adrunk was sitting in a bar, and says, "Bartender! Give me another drink."

The bartender shakes his head and says, "No you’re already drunk."

"Well," the drunk says. "How about if I show you something really neat? Then, will you give me another drink?"

"Ok," the bartender says. "It will have to be spectacular."

The drunk takes a small piano and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog sits at the piano and starts playing a jazzy song. The bartender says that is worth a drink. The drunk guzzles it down, and asks for another drink.

"You can’t have another one," the bartender says. "You've had to many already."

"If you let me have another drink I'll show you more spectacular than the frog," says the drunk. The bartender laughs at the drunk but he agrees to give him just one more drink. The drunk pulls out a hamster and puts it up on the bar beside the frog. The frog begins to play the piano again, and the hamster begins to sing to the music. The bartender laughs, and sits another drink on the bar.

Another guy who was seated next to the drunk watching the show, says to him, "You've got an amazing team there. I work for a talent agency, and I'll give you $1,000,000 for them right now."

"They are not for sale," the drunk says.

"Ok, $1,000,000 just for the frog."

"He’s not for sale."

"Ok, $1,000,000 just for the hamster."

The drunk says "Allright." So the guy gives the drunk a check and walks out of the bar.

The bartender, shocked and confused, asks the drunk, "Why did you sell the hamster? You broke up an amazing team!"

"No I didn’t," the drunk says. "You see, the frog's a ventriloquist.

[FoolishMind]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the first available person. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Pattie Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Pattie Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
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.
.
.
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The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[FoolishMind]

My Colleague just told me this joke, which I found quite funny, so simply had to share it with you guys (apologies in advance, because I laugh at most things)

Ok so one day there was this guy who absolutely loved tractors! He didnt stop talking about tractors, he had magazines of tractors, he had posters of tractors in all sorts of colours. It was tractor this, and tractor that. He just dreamed of tractors day and night.

One day there was this tractor exhibition being held just down the road from his village, so he got so excited and trundled of down th road to the exhibition. There were hundreds of shiny new tractors. But at the end was this gorgeous shiny red tractor, with beautiful chrome pipes. He just stood and said that it is the most beautiful tractor he has ever seen. Then the owner popped out and said, you can have a ride on it if you want.

The guy couldn't believe it so he jumped on it, and took it for a ride.

5 minutes later he came back with a depressed look on his face. The Tractor owner said whats the matter. The guy said it was all bumpy and steamy and horrible. I really dont like tractors anymore, infact i just them. That has changed my views completely - I do not like tractors.

The guy then left the exhibition and plodded on home down the road. As he was walking he noticed this house burning and the smoke was filling this house completely. He then heard a few scream from inside the house. In a flash, he went to the house and too a huge breath in and inhaled all the smoke, which cleared the house and the people run out.

The whole village arrived and said that was amazing, your a hero, how did you do that?

The guy replied " Im just an "ExTractorFan"

[Cobalt]

One of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg, had a lot of great jokes. A lot of them you had to see and hear him say it before it was truly as funny as it should be, because his delivery was so different.

"This shirt is dry clean only, that means it's dirty."
"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it"
"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."

[cmperry]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.
No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

[Dominus]

An extremely well presented lady walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks to speak to the Manager.

The manager appears, ushers her into an office and the well dressed lady explains to him that she would like to take out a loan for $1000 for two weeks. The bank manager scratches his head and says that it is a bit unusual and short notice, but he may be able to organise something if she can present some ID and something as Collateral.

Of course says the Lady, she presents ID and asks whether her Rolls Royce which is outside the bank would be acceptable collateral?

The bank manager looks out of the window, sees a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Shadow outside the bank, he agrees to the loan, he transferres the money to her account and the lady gives him the keys. He tells her that he will have the car parked in the secure compund behind the bank where it will be very safe.

2 weeks late the lady returns. The bank manager issues her a final statement and she writes out a cheque for $1015.76 for the loan plus $10 setup fee plus $5.76 interest charges. They then fetch her car and place it outside the front of the bank

as she is leaving the bank manager is busting with curiosity, and he asks her if she would mind telling him what the loan had been for...

Of course said the Lady, where else in Manhattan could I find secure car parking for 2 weeks for only $15 and 76 cents?

[FoolishMind]

The love story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged, Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is...Ralph hung
himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved
him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'

[Dominus]

There was a little boy, and he was sitting in the church with his mum. During the service he starts to look very poorly and his mum asks him if he is ok,

"No, mum, I feel like I am going to throw up", he says...

Its the middle of the service, and his mum doesnt want him throwing up on the seats, so she tells him to go out the back to find somewhere to throw up. A few minutes later the boy returns looking somewhat better.

"Are you ok?" asks his mum, "where did you do it?"

"I did it in the box out the back that everyone puts the money into" explains the boy

"The contribution box" says him mum appalled, "But why???"

"Well" Explained the boy, "On the box it says - For The Sick"

[Avegan]

Jonah And The Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

..................................

Snap Happy

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a
doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead."

.......................................

A Circular Argument

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

..................................

He's Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want. God is watching the apples."

..........................................

Dear Beloved Pets:


The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim to it becoming either your food or dish, nor do I find that behavior aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. However, do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.


For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.


Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.

I cannot stress this enough!



To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short,hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion pounds for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!

..........................................

Oh dear haha.

[FoolishMind]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."