New member......need help

[Lost17]

Hello,

I am a new member as of today, and really need some help. I have been married for almost two years, and love my wife dearly. However, about a month and a half ago I did something terrible. I visited an escort. A week before that I was out of town on business, and had a sexual experience in a strip club. I feel incredibly guilty about everything. My wife does not know anything, and I am so wrecked with guilt. I confessed my sins to a Catholic priest, but the guilt is still there. I've been seeing a therapist lately, and that seems to be helping. My wife has wanted me to see one for quite a while, as I have been depressed.

I won't get into all aspects of my life, but I know that my addiction to porn has a lot to do with what happened. My therapist suggested that I need to get rid of all my porn I have stored on my computer, and find some alternative behaviors to fill the void of my "porn time." I've been looking at porn since I was a teenager, and now that I'm in my 30's I don't know how to stop. I know that my love life with my wife has been almost non-existent for quite a while. I find that I prefer to look at porn rather than have sex with her. She found out about my habits last year, was incredibly upset, I said I would change.....yada yada yada. Nothing has changed. But now I have taken things way too far, and I need to find a way to get myself back on track.

What I did was a horrible, unspeakable act of betrayal. This is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, I just don't know how. I know that if I say anything to my wife, it will destroy her. While I'd like to think that we would be able to work things out, I can't be certain if she will ever be able to move past this. My thought process is that I need to make sure that this NEVER happens again. I want to be a better person, and a better husband. I love my wife dearly, and the thought of living my life without her is too unbearable to handle. I need to take the correct steps to ensure that I change my behavior, and try to live a better life.

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and see if anyone has gone through anything similar, or has any suggestions as to how I can best defeat my addition to porn.

Thank you.

[Newman]

Yes, there are those of us who have gone through something similar. As you read about PA (Dr. Patrick Carnes,"Out of the Shadows," "Don't Call it Love") you'll learn that it has a tendency to escalate into increasingly hardcore activities. It sounds as if yours has escalated from viewing P to participating in P. This isn't surprising.

I'd encourage you to begin educating yourself about what's going on. There are lots of books on PA/SA and many websites offering free online recovery programs. This site has good resource links and good articles. The article "Breaking Pornography Addiction - A Getting Started Guide" is pretty good. Confession to your priest and therapist is probably a good thing. It would help more if you had a close, trusted friend in whom you could confide. If you don't have such a friend, posting on this board is probably the next best thing.

My other suggestion is not to try and relieve your guilty conscience by confessing the two episodes you described to your wife. This may or may not be something to do later on but for the time begin I think you're better off working on your PA and your marriage without asking your wife to deal with this.

Although I've had relapses since I determined to stop my PA there is no doubt that dealing with life absent porn is much better, although perhaps not easier, than using porn as an escape. As difficult as some of our life situations are, things are always made worse by porn. I can't think of any aspect of my life that is made better by viewing porn. Good luck in dealing with your problems.

[Vilema]

Welcome to the site. I think you're taking some very good steps to help begin your recovery. I'm so sorry that this addiction has caused you so much pain. This site also offers support to Significant Others (SO) and it may help your wife to help you if she gets involved too. It may also help you to check out some of the SO's journals and posts to give you insight on how this affects your wife.

Some suggestions for moving forward:
1. Consider starting a recovery journal. A lot of members (myself included) find this to be a very helpful outlet for processing our feelings, and documenting our progress as we battle P's hold on us.
2. Spend some time thinking about what triggers your PA. This will help you to take the necessary steps to avoid temptation in the future.
3. Visit the Sobriety Forum on here and pair up with an accountability partner.
4. Write a plan of action for working through your PA. This should include reasons for quitting, triggers, steps you intend to take to overcome those triggers.

My heart goes out to you. It's a tough battle but one worth fighting. I believe in you. You can do this!

[CRM114]

Lost17,

Welcome aboard. I would also suggest not telling your wife as it will add to her stress. The fact that you went to confession is certainly a step in the right direction. Posting in this forum should become a regular habit if you intend to start making positive changes.

As far as your guilt is concerned, and I might sound like I'm splitting hairs, but there are worse ways to betray your wife. What you described is still fairly mild in comparison to full on sex with another. I'm not trying to justify it either, but those activities have been known to occur at even (although rarely) legitimate massage parlors. Certainly, don't do it again!!

Coming to this sight was a good step, and you can confide in us at any time. If your wife is aware of your porn addiction, than there really is no need to tell her about the two episodes, as it is still largely details of the bigger problem. I would keep that to myself for now.

Best of luck to you my friend! You can fix this.

[Little lock]

Hey Lost, and welcome to ThroughTheFlame! I'm sorry that your addiction has caused so much pain to you and the people that you love. But the important thing is that you are taking steps in the right direction. You confessed what you did to a priest, you are seeing a therapist, abd now you have signed up to this website which will give you help and support. These are all positive actions, so keep up the work, dude!:)

If you want my suggestion, I recommend starting a journal here. The other members have already listed the benfits of a journal, so I wont' repeat them. Also, be on your guard 24/7. Know yourself more. At what times are you most vulnerable? What are your triggers? You are free to browse around this site for more infomation

I wish you the best of luck!

[Dominus]

Lost17, I have been thinking a fair bit about your story. It is a difficult situation you find yourself in. I personally quite strongly feel that difficult as it will be, you should tell your wife. I have 2 friends who were in a similiar situation, they both said nothing, one passed on VD to his wife who sussed it out after visiting the doctor, the other kept it quiet for a couple of years until someone told his wife out of spite. In both cases their marriages were destroyed and ended in divorce - the wives both said that the thing they couldnt deal with was not the act itself, but the fact that it had been kept a secret from them.

Many will disagree with me, but if you don't tell your wife about it you will be reminded about it for the rest of your life, everytime you make love to her you will remember your guilty secret, and it will come between you. If you tell her she will inevitably be crushed, but she deserves the truth. From what I have seen on this forum, the ones who have the least marital secrets have the greatest success in strengthening their relationships and conquering their weaknesses.

I wish you well, I hope you find the best solution.

[FoolishMind]

I completely agree with Dominus here.

I appreciate this would be such a daunting thing to do, But thinking back, If spoke to my wife 5 years ago, and said " Inshi ive got a real problem i keep looking at such and such and im hiding this from you etc etc" While she would have been upset, We would have been able to work through it then. After the initial anger, she would have really had the respect to help me.

By me being completley open with my wife, i can sort of say, i feel free as I have wiped the slate clean. That said, that slate is still got an imprint and will never be completley bare, So i just have to make sure I make the rest of the time together so good, it will eventually wipe out the bad memories.

Be strong Lost, and pluck up the courage, you wouldnt want what happened to Dominus's friends to you would you?

FM

[Lost17]

Thank you all for your responses. Dominus, I appreciate your thoughts on this and I have thought about what you said. However, I don't know if I can tell her. I know in my heart that it will destroy her, and could ultimately destroy our marriage. I understand the part about keeping secrets, and how that can tear a marriage apart as well. I just feel like I need to deal with this on my own for now, or at least with the help of my therapist. I know what I did was terrible, and I will never do anything like that again. I love my wife too much to do that. I just have a sickness that I need to get through, and it's not going to be easy. I need to do whatever I can to prevent something like this from ever happening again.

When I feel "normal" and think about telling my wife, I can come to no good outcome other than relieving myself of some of the guilt. But I will always feel guilty, and that will never change whether she knows or not. By telling her I will be risking everything I hold dear, and could ultimately lose her. The thought of that is just too much for me to handle, as I cannot imagine my life without her. I would do anything to stay with her, therefore I have to rid myself of this addiction and do it for both of us.

This is an extremely difficult time for me, and every day is a struggle. I just have to take one day at a time, and know that in the end I am doing this to become a better person. I am a good person deep inside, but that side has been crushed by P and depression. I have to fight through this, and become the man that I know I can be.

[Newman]

I acknowledge the opinions of Dominus and Foolish Mind on the issue of whether a spouse should be told all. There may be factors in favor of doing so but there are no guarantees. While I'm sure there are stories with happy endings, marriages that survived and actually improved over time, one must also consider the possibility that disclosure will end the relationship. My point was that disclosing these things to ease your conscience and make yourself feel better is not the right reason. There may be right reasons to disclose, but this isn't one. If the parties are committed to each other and are likely to weather the storm in spite of the revelation, perhaps. However, I don't think one should make the disclosure unless he is willing to accept the fact that the marriage may end as a result.

[Vilema]

This topic is one that is loaded with emotion for me. I've been pondering how best to address the "secret" issue that you're dealing with and I still don't have an answer. However, as it's been plaguing me, I feel I must share my thoughts with you. I generally try to be upbeat and encouraging so, it's difficult for me to say the following, but I really believe it needs to be said.

Personally, I think that not telling her is a rather selfish thing to do. It's like you get to have your cake and eat it too. You're making decisions on her behalf that affect her emotional and physical well being. That is unfair to her. You broke faith with her. She has a right to hear it from you. She deserves to hear it from you. Part of the healing process is learning to take responsibility for the decisions we make. She may leave or she may stay. But it should be her's to decide not yours. I believe 100% that your choice to keep this from her based on the premise that you're protecting her because "it will destroy her" is a copout. You're also showing a lack of faith and trust in her by keeping these secrets. She may surprise you. She may be very willing to go the distance with you and see you through the healing process. Just read FoolishMind's journal to see the power that a loving wife has on healing.

I believe that you are a good and decent man. I believe that you love your wife. I believe that you are deeply sorry. I believe that you have the power to be free from these things. I also believe that your wife should be included in that journey.

"...and the Truth shall set you free."