New member......need help

[Lost17]

Vilema,

Thank you for your response. It was very difficult for me to think about your suggestion, but I appreciate your thoughts. I honestly don't know what to do, and have placed a call in to my therapist who I am supposed to see tomorrow. My wife and I have talked about starting a family lately, and I am so nervous and worried that everything will be gone forever if she finds out. I understand that I would probably feel a little better if I just tell her, and that she probably has a right to know. However, this could ruin our entire relationship and end our marriage. Is it a copout? Perhaps. But I am just feeling so lost and hurting so much inside right now, that I honestly don't have the strength to tell her.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and responses, but this is a very difficult decision for me. It's one thing to suggest that I do the "right thing" and confess to my wife, and it's another to potentially ruin her life and mine. I was counseled by my priest who suggested that I not say anything. He said that sometimes we feel the need to tell our spouse or loved one that we have cheated, thinking that they have a right to know and it's the right thing to do. However, in the process we can potentially destroy them, destroy ourselves for hurting them all over again, and ruin a relationship.

I can honestly see both sides of the argument. I'm not so onesided and close minded that I am just trying to protect myself because I am embarrased or worried about her finding out. I am not saying that I am "protecting" her by not saying anything. But I am just thinking about what good can possibly come from her knowing about this? I say this will all honesty. I can see one of three scenarios playing out: 1) she learns to forgive me over time, we seek counseling, and we move past this together, 2) she is deeply hurt, cannot forgive me, and decides to divorce me, 3) she tries to forgive me, we try to work together on this, but ultimately she cannot get past this and ends our marriage.

To be honest, I did not come here to ask what I should or should not do with regards to telling my wife the truth. That does not mean that I don't appreciate the responses, however difficult they may be to read. I want to move past this, and work towards becoming a better person and a better husband. I know that I have to quit my addiction, and that I will need help in doing that. I am looking for support, a friendly shoulder to lean on. I am so torn inside, that all I want to do is cry. I need help, and that is why I am here.

[Vilema]

You are right Lost. You did not ask for our opinion about your situation with your wife. And it is a deeply personal decision that only you can make. I do apologize if I got off the topic of helping you overcome this devastating addiction.

This is a great place to come to work through the pain of a porn addiction (pa). Please consider starting a recovery journal. It's a great way to get encouragement from others, organize your thoughts and keep track of your progress. You're not alone. We're all struggling. We're all desperate to be free. We're all in this together.

You sound highly motivated. You're taking the right steps. So, you're well on your way. You can absolutely do this. Now is a great time to start.

As for the pain and tears...let the go. It's okay to cry. You're hurting. You're sad. You've got a lot going on emotionally. Let your tears flow and let them be the building blocks of your new life. Hang in there. You're gonna make it through.

[Lost17]

Thank you for your reply, Vilema. I'm sorry, I did not mean to sound as if I was lashing out or upset with the replies. I am very thankful for each and every response, and I truly look forward for more to come. I just don't feel like myself lately. At times I feel "normal" and ok, and other times I am just hurting so much inside that I cannot stand it. I'm not sure what to do anymore, but I am truly trying to rid myself of this and make sure that it doesn't happen again.

While I wish I could get rid of this guilt, I feel like I need to accept it and use is as a positive. I know what I did was 100% wrong, so the next time I feel the urge to do something I will remember how guilty I feel now and not let that happen. I feel as though I was heading down a slippery slope, and that it was just a matter of time before this happened. I had been looking at escort sites for a while, but never had the courage to go through with it. After what took place in the strip club, I convinced myself that this was just more of the same and that it would be ok. Instead of a strip club, it was a hotel room. I felt guilty after the strip club incident, but that went away after a day or so. I convinced myself that I had been to clubs many times in the past, it just so happens that this particular time I went a little further than normal. So what was the harm in visiting an escort?

Of course I know now how wrong it was, and how terrible I feel inside. I love my wife with every ounce of my being, and would never do anything to hurt her ever again. I am hoping that I can control this, and make sure that I do not head down that same path again.

I appreciate the replies from everyone, and feel better being able to talk to all of you about this. It feels good to know that there are others out there that are dealing with the same affliction, and can offer up some really good advice. I look forward to hearing more from all of you, thank you.

[Vilema]

No need to apologize Lost. I completely understood your intent. You're gonna get through this and you're gonna be stronger and happier for it. Keep coming back here. Start a recovery journal. Keep posting. Keep talking to your priest. Keep going to therapy. You've got a recipe for success going. Just keep pressing on!

[Newman]

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