Thank you for this wake up call!

[Rowlf]

Dear All,

I came across this site a couple of days ago whilst looking for some help. I’ve got friends in AA and have known that I run addictive patterns for a long time but always kinda ignored the porn and saw those patterns working in mild over-eating. I’ve been reading with fascination posts and journals and with increasing awareness that my story is not too different from a lot of folks here and actually I really need to do something about it and can now see that PA and the whole getting high via P is a much larger part of me than I've ever wanted to admit.

I had a recent emotional ‘knock’ – just a date that we mutually agreed to go no further and then a few days later I’m back on the computer spending hours searching for pictures and more potently videos, watching, wondering if I should download for later, for hours at a time (last sunday afternoon and evening gone, never to return!). Then wiping the cache at the end and saying “no more”, to find myself back there in a day or so, the URLs fresh in my mind. And as I ‘scratched the itch’ all of my good energy vanished. Life was like wading through mud. I was angry and frustrated with everything “out there” (yeah, right!) and was preoccupied about what I can do when I can get back home to the computer.

Reading the forum posts here has caused me to reassess my own patterns. I thought this was a controllable habit with occasional slips but looking through my own life I can see this has been a stable pattern for 25 years (I’m 41) It was self-medication for depression that doesn’t work longer than 30 secs after the act and pulled me down for days / weeks afterwards. It was as if I’d drained myself of all my life energy. Going back and viewing more allowed me to numb out, get my high and forget the consequences.

Over the last 10 years as the video sites have become more prevalent and more is available for free the problem of staying away gets worse for me. This stuff is just like high-octane fuel to part of me. The pull it exerts on me, especially videos, right now is too powerful to resist and I have to do something. I can see that using P stories is really just a slightly more controllable and less flattening way of continuing the pattern and numbing out. Using the stories I’ve managed to stay of the IP for months at a time and then something happens (like in the last few weeks) and I’m back ‘using’ and stuck in a downward energy spiral. Only this time it’s getting worse. I’ve been wondering about MB at work, and just can’t get stuff out of my mind. The claws are set deeper.

Reading a comment from FM
fm-
I simply stated a fact..."its over" "no more" "the end" It gave it a real sense of finalisation and closure to me.
has caused me to stop and think. I’ve gone back through this post and seen that I’ve been using the present tense for my P habits. I’ve now changed that to past tense. I want to stop running this pattern. After so many years of doing things this way I don’t know what this might mean for the future – but I do want it to be different to the past.

So, I’m one day clear right now and am going to make it through today and tonight without P or MB. I can see the 2 have become so linked that I need some time to separate out stuff. I don’t think my long term aim is never to MB but not to porn images of any sort again would be a goal I want. Stories I don’t yet know about - maybe they're just the thin end of the wedge so they'll have to go, but none for the next week will be my aim for today....

Thanks to all on this site for your honestly and presence. I’m going to need your support and hope I can offer some to others as well.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Rowlf, Firstly welcome to the site, I did read your post earlier this afternoon, but that 9 to 5 slog didnt permit me time to respond!

Secondly, Love the avatar! took me back that did!

On to business then.... I can completley relate to where you are, how you feel etc.

Iam 30 shortly turning 31 (cringe), It really is frightening to think back just how many years this secret activity has consumed of our lives. Even if it is not the act itself, its just the random thoughts in your day to day life that take up our time. It really does cloud our vision to the real world.

Well theres good new Rowlf, This site is geared up to assisting you help yourself control this addiction. You have taken it upon yourself, and acknowledged that you have a problem here. For that, you should take pride, as many find out or open their eyes the hard way. Cliche to say but...to every problem, there is a solution. That solution may not always be immediatly clear, but assure you if you keep the steps simple, and be totally honest with yourself. This journey will get easier and more rewarding. But you have to be clear in why you want to do this, and be clear on how your going to do this.

Stray from those lines, you will fall. There are a number of members here who keep things simple and follow the simple strategies that you will need to create for yourself, and they are acheiving so much. As a PA though you will know it is so easy to lie to anyone, let alone ourselves.

So if you havent already, please take a moment to read through the getting started guide, and there are some reccomended posts and articles to read in the New member area section that is marked "sticky"

I will leave it at that for know, and shortly I hope you will start a journal, and I will very much look forward to following your journey.

Once again, youve made a great decision joining here, I hope its the begining of a great new life for you. I beleive a community greeter will post shortly and greet you with virtual shot of brandy, to get you warmed up and ready for action!

All the best

FM

[Cobalt]

Hey, welcome! We're all here to help as best we can. If there's anything I can do to help you around here or anything else, let me know, yeah? If you need advice, other posters are much better than I am at that.

Here's to the best!

-Cobalt

[Rowlf]

FM, Cobalt,

Thanks for the greets and encouragement.

FM's 'keep it simple' words are just so true:
But you have to be clear in why you want to do this, and be clear on how your going to do this.
Stray from those lines, you will fall.

I'm going to have to do some work, private and public journaling about this. I need to announce to myself (and all of you) why I'm doing this and to be clear.

It's a gift finding TTF. To actually start talking about this is allowing me to start unpacking some stuff that's got very stuck. To admit to this PA, which I find humiliating, but is definitely part of me, is new. To get the words outside of just me is allowing me to hear myself and some of that I don't like. But I'm hearing echos of the same stuff in others posts here and find it easier to accept you all that I can to accept myself. I when I don't accept myself I get hard on myself and don't care about more than the next 'fix'.

I think using Rowlf as my avatar is a statement of more who I'd like to be!

Anyway I'm thankful that you're all here and glad that I'm here and despite last night being very unsettled commit to no P and MB for today.