does trust return?

[annarose]

i think i was a better friend than wife to my husband who is a pa. he has been my best friend for nearly 16 years my husband for less than 1 year. as friends we could always confide and support each other. i love his honesty. while we were just friends he confided in me about his p/a as a friend i listened. before i agreed to start dating him we talked through his pa he took responsibility for his addiction and did not want it in his life anymore. i knew this to be true a statement because i could see the pain and hurt and shame. before our courtship he started a programme to help him fight this unfortunately due to reasons he had to quit the programme. (work schedule, he works nights/ programme was not offered during the day) he did ask for help from different organisations but no one responded. i love my husband very much that i am certain.

we got married obviously i hooked the internet up, aware of his addiction i stated that we have no security on our pc yet please be aware of what you view and search. you only have to type in any word and p would be in your face. he was never a p/a on computers it was internet via mobile phone, (which we got disconnected when we first started dating) magazines, prostitutes. anyway to cut a long story short i just got this feeling... i felt like i was being dishonest but i had to make sure i was wrong...you know before i checked the history i asked myself "what would i do if there was p" i looked and although not much it was there.

i knew then as a friend i could listen, support, provide some type of advice as a wife i was devastated. at first i thought wow i knew before we got engaged what a fool! war was pretty much on. i was beginning to think wow love is blind. the truth is i love him. as husband and wife we have a great friendship. i went into our marriage with my eyes wide open, as i said to him i prefer he be honest with me rathar than me finding out any other way. but he did not tell me about the p sites he viewed which hurt a lot more than him viewing them. (i do not tolerate p whatsoever) i knew however i needed support to be able to not end my marriage there and then. (believe me as much as i love i knew i could walk without a second thought. but i also knew that if i did i would not only be hurting him but i would in the long run be hurting myself)

anyway i feel like im this nagging seargent major, demanding all his time, questioning him on how he looked at some girl, monitoring what he views on pc, tv music videos arent even acceptable. i feel i have disovered a real hate towards p and anything associated with it. you probably hear this all the time but its like all these insecurities i have are bubbling over the surface. i really dont like the person i am becoming, i feel like i have been betrayed, and my trust has been violated. i know he is trying, he told that there were p mags at his work in the smoko room and he threw them in the rubbish and told the guys what i told him. he felt proud he did that... all i could think was 'how long did he linger staring at the mags before throwing them out?' i realised this was wrong and apologised and genuinly thanked him for doing that, i was proud of him and happy for him that he did. i feel like im stuck between a double edge sword... i am angry and hurt that he viewed p, so i am angry with him/ angry with myself for being angry with him/ and wanting to support him because i want my husband, my bestfriend my lover. and my heart feels like it breaks everytime i look at him not becos he hurt me but becos i hurt for him/ knowing the person i love chose that lifestyle...and visually see the consequences of their decisions.

we both grew up as christians during our argument he said some interesting stuff... he said, i try to overcome it breakthrough etc.... pray through it etc over the last month we read a book together called 'loving your marriage enough to protect it' and it said this which made perfect sense to me... 'flee from the lusts of your youth' anyway a lightbulb went off for me and asked him 'maybe overcoming isnt what you have to do...maybe you just have to keep consciensly flee from it'...

refering back to the title of this...'does trust return?' together we are working on putting practical steps in place (no one seems to want to help)... returned to our faith...i see him trying.... it has been two months we have been doing this... he works in a very male dominated industry i.e every office has some p pic somewhere most likely on the wall... so my trust is very thin i know we dont live in bubbles, i so desperately want to trust him even if its just a little bit more than what i already do... it just feels too painful. and i feel my lack of trust creeping into other areas of our marriage. i dont know what to do? so i am kinda seeking some type of reassurrance that there is hope and trust can be restored somehow...(i guess if it doesnt kill ya it can only make ya stronger...(still hard))

btw i am very grateful to find something like this... even though it saddens me that it even exists if you know what i mean. thanks for letting me vent.

[jasmine]

Yes, trust does return, but incredibly slowly, and, like anything, it does not come back 100%. It may heal back very strong, though, so you certainly should not give up. I think I have a lot in common with you, and it is especially hard when living in the "male dominated" lifestyle. I too have so many guys that are friends, and my boyfriend and I lived in a traditional fraternity house for two and a half years, where porn floated around almost as frequently as beer.

I would say that the best way to reform trust is having him be honest, even about the shameful things that you both know will be disappointing. For example, if my boyfriend looked at the cover of a magazine, had an urge, or even thought about looking at porn, he will tell me, even if he didn't slip up. This stings a little, because you know he had that feeling. But on the other hand, it feels like he has laid another brick down in terms of building back trust. For me, what really helped build back trust was his continued honesty about every temptation, every feeling, every arousal without my asking. You said you feel like a sergeant major asking him these questions. Well, at some point you shouldn't need to ask. He should just tell you. That is the first step to rebuilding trust.

[annarose]

Thank you, I appreciate your response. Yes honesty is so important. When we first became friends it was his honesty that drew me to him and it is a major quality that i love about him. unfortunately this addiction creates a liar...(sounds so harsh saying that) but its effectively a double life until it consumes you.

I must admit right now i do not react too well to his honesty about the things that you have raised... i am trying to find a way through and respond rathar than react. it does hurt... a lot! but in saying that you are right i would prefer he be honest and tell me rathar than me feeling i have to act as a spy, ruler and dictator over someone who should be my partner...an adult my husband. i guess im fearful that if i keep up this way he will completely shut down if you know what i mean. the last part of your comment i think is what i am longing for.

thank you

[illumination]

Hello Annarose, welcome to the site. If you look at the 'partners' forum you will find many people who have gone through very similar situations to your own. I wish you every success in your struggle. Knowing about the problem right from the start, it sounds like you are both able to talk about it, which is a good start.

I'm replying to your post because as a successfully recovering PA I have some insight into the addict's psychology. I think it would be useful if you could suggest to your husband that he joins TTF and starts posting here. The first thing is that he has to take the addiction seriously. That insight needs to be there. To try and quit because of your relationship or because of religious beliefs or whatever are all very good motivations, but in my experience there needs to be a fundamental insight into how P is degrading his own mental state. When you truly see it for the grim filth that it is, there is no sacrifice involved in giving up. The habit can still be overwhelmingly powerful, but if that basic realisation is there, it can be beaten.

There are loads of people here to help, both addicts and partners, with lots of experience and insight to offer you.

[annarose]

Thank you. I had been looking through the partners forums for two months before i even got the courage to join.

i will approach him to view this site and fingers crossed he will take an active practical role and be responsible for his addiction. i know he does try but yeah i do question his sincerity etc to the situation.

thank you again.