I have been living in the shadow of porn for nearly 12 years. It's time to feel the sun on my face! I'm tired of feeling the weight that pornography has placed on me. I want to be free.
Initially porn was my exhusband's problem. Though it was some time before I realized that to be the case. We were both raised in conservative Christian homes and were each other's "first". Shortly after we wed, he lost all interest in me. He was emotionally distant, closed, angry and demeaning. Anytime I wore something nice for him, he'd look at me with disgust and brush me aside. It was aweful. I felt completely worthless and very sad. I began to suspect he was having an affair.
Little did I know how close to the mark my suspicions were. Several months into our marriage I found out who the "other woman" was and I knew instantly that I had no hope, I was fighting a losing battle against a fantasy. My husband was addicted to porn and he blamed me for it. Many of the posts I've read on here help me to understand my exhusband's behavior.
How I wish I had access to a site like this all those years ago. It would have been so helpful to me. Ultimately, I could not compete with the fantasy women my husband longed for and unsurprisingly he had several affairs. Due to the depression and loneliness, I began to gain weight and he quickly used that as his reason for behaving so badly towards me. Needless to say, the marriage failed and miserably.
I became obsessed with understanding the "enemy", with the "other woman". I had to find out what was so great about watching women he didn't know, couldn't touch, couldn't interact with and why that was so much more worth his time than his new bride at home. I hated porn and yet, was drawn to it. I wanted to see what these other women did or had that I was apparently lacking. I was on a mission to learn as much as I could so that I would never be left alone and unloved again.
The trap was set. Twelve years later, I not only continue to lack understanding of my husband's choice of porn over our marriage but am now a regular watcher of it. I really struggle with this transformation in me. I started out hating it because it ruined my marriage and now, I watch it on a regular basis. I enjoy it even. But, as I've spent some time reading posts from other members, I'm beginning to realize that I've been living in a porn shadow my entire adult life.
My husband's obession with fantasy women made it impossible for me to be remotely what he wanted. This triggered in me a deep depression and self loathing. For over a decade, I've struggled with obesity and now, only today, do I fully understand why. I've been punishing myself for lacking what the porn stars had that drew my husband from me. Who can compete with airbrushed models? I felt hopeless, unloveable, unworthy of affection and so I ate and I ate and I hid behind my weight. I hide because I'm afraid that I'll disappoint any other man I may meet.
You might think that this would cause me to shun porn forever but ironically, I am drawn to it. I guess I'm living vicariously through the beautiful women in the movies. They are wanted. They are desired. They are gorgeous. It's so much easier for me to wtch them than it is to risk developing a meaningful relationship with a man. I'm so afraid I'll be hurt again.
But, I hate it. I hate the way women are portrayed as objects. I hate the way the men are portrayed too-selfish, unloving and controlling. I really hate that the industry focuses so much on young people (teens). This is why I am disgusted with myself for watching it. I'm a foster youth mentor for goodness sake. I'm supposed to be a Christian and yet I watch p and mb. I want to be a good role model for the kids I mentor. I certainly don't want to watch things that exploit hurting young people.
Is it weird that I'm a woman and I struggle with this? I feel I'm doubly damaged by porn - as the hurt exwife of an addict and now as an adict myself. I've decided that today, I will get well. I want to lay an axe to the porn that's been blocking me from the sun all these years.
"It's never too late to be who you might have been." ~George Elliot
The Following User Says Thank You to Vilema For This Useful Post:
Thank you for sharing that post with us, and of course welcome to the site.
It sounds like your ex husband has really impacted your life and really had an affect on you emotionally and physically through his use of P. I truly am sorry, as reading your post, I really feel your hurt. I am also quite in shock that you were previously and to some level still disgusted with P and all that it stands for yet, It has some how managed to dig its claws into you, and sowed some sort of seed of addiction in you. This really does shock me, and Im sure shocks you when you think about how you were when you were previously married to how you are now.
Easier said than done I know, But I believe it really is time to close the chapter on your ex husband, and the hurt he has caused you. As you say you are hiding behind this facade now, and it is not healthy. You are more than capable of having loving relationships, if you have confidence in yourself.
So right now, its about focusing on yourself, Lets not think or dwell on why you are viewing P, and what drew you to it.
You as a woman now, Need to learn to be clear on what your objectives are starting with the primary objective which is respecting yourself and loving yourself for who you are. I am not going to touch on the topic of weight, If you are not happy with your weight, you know what you need to do combat that if you so wish.
Now..P...watching it frequently and MBing to it, Is unhealthy. It is unhealthy because it clouds your mind with crap, and takes you away from reality. This means you will lose social skills, Intimacy and your power in relationships.
To rid yourself from the P world, you need to cut it out completely. To change your routines and habits, can be hard, which is why you must be explicitly clear in why you want to do this, and then note down clear ways of countering any temptations and triggers that you now will occur.
Once you are clear on this, Naturally support is paramount, and you can get a wealth of that from TTF.
I would encourage you to start a journal in the Journal section of the forums, and make your initial post a clear message primarily for yourself as to why you want to rid yourself from this addiction and it would be great if you could share your mission plan / strategy.
I applaud your courage to openly share this and post on TTF. Thank You, and I sincerely look forward to following your journey and actively helping as many of the members will also do.
Wish you the best of strength.
FM
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
I just want to say that your post touched me very deeply and I'm really sorry to hear about the suffering you have experienced. I think FoolishMinds advice as always is really good. I just want to say to you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there is a way out of the suffering and the self pity that eventually comes with it. Surprisingly for me your post included the strongest triggers that I've experienced since I quit P because you are really good with words and at describing the allure by just a few hints. I guess this means that the part of you that likes P is still alive. Hopefully that can start to change soon.
I try to work with my p addiction (PA) in two ways. One I stay away from it and two I start doing more of the things that I'm afraid of and have been avoiding by using p. That can be trusting people, meeting new people, talking to women etc. I think it can be beneficial to do both at the same time.
Best of luck to you my friend. I have not seen a post here that have touched me more then yours. I wish I could give you a real hug. You are not to blame for all the circumstances that lead you to where you are today, but you have the power to reclaim the self respect, the joy and the courage that a p free life can bring.
"If guys think that a girl who allows P into a relationship is the greatest gift to man, then girls think that a man who doesn't need P and is satisfied with her is the greatest gift to woman." - Jasmine
"Stop looking for romance, stop looking for sx, start looking at women, all women as potential friends" - Tipple Downs
The Following User Says Thank You to showmelove For This Useful Post:
Hi Vilema,
I just wanted to say welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear about how much porn has effected your life, and I want to thank you for sharing it. Its good to hear from a female suffering from this, another fresh perspective.
Good luck in your battle with this.
When I was young it seemed that life was so wonderful.... a miracle. Oh it was beautiful, magical.
Last edited by Scooter; 06-24-2008 at 10:15 PM.
Reason: typo
The Following User Says Thank You to Scooter For This Useful Post:
Thanks to all of you for your encouraging words, wisdom and advice. I sincerely appreciate it. Just an update, I started a recovery journal and am happy to report that I am now 6 days p and mb free. Hooray me!
Additionally, I have been losing weight and feeling good about myself. Feel free to check out my progress in my recovery journal (Vilema draws a line in the sand...). I'm sure I'll have tough days to come, but for now I'm on a roll and feeling fantastic!
"It's never too late to be who you might have been." ~George Elliot
I feel I should mention that my exhusband went to great lengths to contact me several years ago (which was a number of years after our divorce). He was desperate to apologize to me for his behavior, for the hurt he caused and for divorcing me. We talked for a number of months about what went wrong between us, how we hurt each other and how we were sad that we'd been through so much pain.
We forgave each other. That was one of the single most freeing experiences of my life. But, as pain often does, it rears its ugly head and still affects me. I only recently came to realize the reasons I've been hiding behind my weight and even though my exhusband sought my forgiveness and even though I accepted his apology, those issues still remain.
I have gone to counseling, I have worked on rebuilding and I believe that my choice to sign on at TTF will enable me to finally put all the issues I have with P, my exhusband and my overeating to rest. It's going to be a bit of a roller coaster from time to time but the simple act of publicly (though anonymously) acknowledging my issues has done wonders for my soul.
No. I am not perfect. No. I am not airbrushed. No. I am not a hottie boom bottie (like I was at age 18), but I'm still a knockout in my own right, extra soft in the middle perhaps, but pretty darn cute and I like myself. So, I've gotta figure that counts for something and it certainly helps me to drive forward with my wellness goals that include kicking my pa, overeating and overspending issues. I'm on my way. I fully expect it to be a wild ride but then, if it was easy, I don't think it'd be worth doing.
I guess what this post boils down to is that forgiveness is key. Forgiving those that have hurt us and forgiving ourselves for our occassional ineptidute. I'm learning to forgive myself for being less than a perfect, airbrushed carbon copy and I have to say, I'm liking the results.
Next on the forgiveness list are the p corporations, actors, actresses and distributors. That will be a little bit tougher but I have to believe they are lonely and unhappy and longing for a better life too.
"It's never too late to be who you might have been." ~George Elliot
Out from the shadows... -
06-02-2008, 08:07 PM
06-02-2008, 08:33 PM
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