New here. Can I change?

[Scooter]

Hi all,

I'm 24 years old and my addiction to P spans more than half of these years. I, like many others here had sexual experiences as a child with a male family member. While some might say I was abused, all I know was that I was very excited and I craved the attention I got, and the "naughtyness" factor made it even more exciting. When I was 10ish my family got a computer and I started seeking out porn of young guys my age. Back then I wasn't very good at finding them... but the obsession with looking at porn became greater and greater. The secrecy of it all added to the excitement factor.

Over the years I spent hours and hours finding and downloading porn in secrecy. When I became desensitised to one type of porn I would move onto another.... and I began to realise I was needing more hard core porn to get off. I must have downloaded every kind of porn imaginable... and when I was in my late teens I discovered illegal pornography - a lot of it. The idea of doing something so forbidden and so frowned upon really added to the rush of doing it - for this I can't explain. But my craving for it came more and more and as I became a collector of lots of sick illegal porn.

When I was 22 years old, and living away from home, my computer broke down and the shop I took it to for fixing reported me to the authorities. I spent a year shaking in my boots before being sentenced for possession of objectionable pornography. I was lucky to escape a prison sentence and did some community service.

I did volunatarily (albeit to impress the judge), committ myself to a one year program for sex offendors. It helped me learn why illegal porn is so bad, and I learned a lot about myself. A number of times during that year I tried to quit P altogether... but I'd just always go back to it. I'm so drawn to it. I depend on it.

Now a couple of years later I can honestly say I haven't looked at illegal porn since my conviction... but I still look at porn... a lot. And I have come dangerously close to really innapropriate illegal content. I know your probably all thinking "quick, get rid of the internet, or install a porn filter" etc, and I think "of course that makes sense". I just feel so dependent on it though, and I really dont feel I have the motivation to get rid of one of the biggest pleasures in my life. So I really am struggling... I know P is evil, its bad for me, Its effecting my relationship with my partner (male) and its got me into trouble in the past. This should be enough to put anybody off it.. yet here I still am. How am I going to convince myself I need to stop and I need to stop now? Yes I am here at TTF, but I also know the next time I get bored and horny.... I'm going to go back to it

[Bluehorse]

Hello Scooter.

Yes you can change! The past is the old you and you can put it behind you as you seem fit. Every new day is a growing part of the new you. I'm 25 and have also been addicted for 12 years or so. I'm 5 days clean now, and I think we're still young enough to rewire our brains!!! The most important thing right now is to focus on change. I heard some good advice on TV believe it or not on a drug rehab show. the guy said the most important thing to get over your addiction is to do whatever you have to to quit. If that means to stop hanging out with certain people, do it! If that means throwing out your computer...do it! This fascination with child porn can only lead to a prison sentence for you later in life man. It's time to change and relearn your sexual proclivities. Also, some counciling or professional help couldn't hurt either man.

Good luck!

[tone]

The fact that you are here, is a step in the right direction. Come in post and read others experience everyday and you will grow stronger. The most insidious part of this addiction is the embarassment which causes us to keep it secret. It is this very secrecy that makes it difficult for us to stop, simply because the people who love us most are often not aware and therefore cannot help. Talk to your partner and seek professional help as a system to soundboard your feelings and experiences as well as your strategy to overcome this problem.

Best of luck

[Pa_724_Guy]

You can change for the better and get away from that illegal and filthy porn ! I've been in your shoes and understand very much what you are going through , If you ever need to talk with someone whose gone through the same issues, I am here and not afraid to listen. There has been a lot of people out there that are going through the same and sadly they are not getting the help they need and end up in prison for the sites they have visited on their computer ....