Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon A short(ish) fictional journey with the spouse of a PA
By FairyG
We’ve just had yet another argument over his use of porn, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions inside my head: anger, betrayal, love, compassion, self-loathing, fear, misery… will I lose my mind first, or my relationship? Why am I not good enough for him? How do I get him to hear me? How can he keep betraying me and not caring?
I’ve tried to tell him so many times how I feel about it, hoping he might do something to change. How many arguments have we had about this? I’ve lost count. I’ve cried more tears over it than I have anything or anyone else in my lifetime. Each time, he is obviously upset over my tears, and each time he “promises” to change…but he doesn’t for very long.
I thought he had really got rid of it last time. He seemed ok, he seemed to be making an effort. But I was wrong. I trusted him – and he betrayed me.
I never thought I was that ugly, that I was undesirable, but I guess I must be – all he wants to look at is women who don’t look anything like me. He says he likes small chests, but that’s not what I see him looking at. He says he likes my figure, but the women he looks at don’t have figures like mine. He says “I married you, didn’t I?”. Yeah, he married me…but he doesn’t want me. Not that he says that, but that’s the message I get loud and clear: I’m just useful when he can’t have porn. I’m boring, imperfect, not good enough. The women he sees in movies and pictures are all much more beautiful than me with their perfect bodies. They do things I detest. They’re horrid, vile people, and I hate them all…but they look and act so perfect. I used to think if I looked more like them, maybe he’d like me instead. But now I’m not so sure. I’ve tried the skimpy underwear, I’ve tried being more adventurous in bed, I’ve tried positions that would make a yoga instructor wince – but he still doesn’t want me. Maybe if I get a boob job and liposuction…but I’m scared to do that, because what if he still doesn’t want me? Then I’ll know it’s really “just me” that’s all wrong, that I really am just a worthless person in his eyes. He says he loves me, but how do I believe that?
I found out this time because I had to use his computer: ignorance may have been bliss. But I saw some of the stuff that he’d saved:
saved – all since I thought he had made an effort to get rid of it. And the urls that flashed up while I was typing in the website address I wanted to go to didn’t look very tame either. So I checked his internet history – and things looked pretty much the same as they always did before he cleared his bookmarks (which are back again too) and “made an effort” – what gives?! Was this a one-off slip I was seeing the results of? Didn’t look like it. So, he was lying to me when he said he was making an effort. He’s getting more into it. Perhaps he did try for a while, but not any more. Is his relationship with the images (and people?!?!?!) online more important to him than his relationship with his wife and family in reality? Is there any point in me going on (and on!)? Does he even care about my feelings in this affair? Or is it all about his affairs with porn? This behaviour is completely incongruous with the man I thought I knew.
When I confronted him it all got turned around and it seemed like I was the one with the problem. This always happens: I was snooping; it wasn’t as bad as it looked; I should remember that all guys need stuff like this and that most women are ok with it – it’s about giving him variety; making sure we don’t stagnate; a “non-affair” way of making sure that he gets enough physical release to not need an affair. He has a high libido; I don’t understand his needs. He needs the variety; the visual stimulation; the excitement. And anyway, the saved folder was open because he was going to delete it because I made such a fuss last time, but he forgot it was there; plus he didn’t even look at most of those web pages…
It’s not FAIR! Why do I end up feeling doubly bad after talking to him? Why is there no one I can talk to about this?
He said he went back to it the last time because he was angry at me.
He was angry at
me.
I was tired of fighting over being hurt by his porn use, and wasn’t handling being frustrated myself – I have needs too, but it’s not like I can express them with THAT as competition – so I got angry at him for something stupid and unrelated. Ok, so I didn’t deal with my anger well, and if it’s any consolation I felt awful about it for a long time afterwards. But no, on second thoughts I don’t think he does deserve any consolation, because there is nothing he could do to make me angry enough to do something to hurt him as much as that – even if I DID think he would never find out! His use of porn makes me angrier than I ever thought possible. But have I sworn at him, have I physically lashed out at him, have I broken his computer, have I done anything to deliberately hurt him in return, have I stormed out and demanded he give up “or else”, have I given him a “porn or me” ultimatum - yet? No! So what gives him the right to hurt me and our relationship like that?
Well, I have done I guess, by taking it. However, no more…I will not, I CAN not, take this any more.
How do I keep us going? How do I get him to see what he’s doing to us? I love him so much…but I don’t want to live like this.
On the one hand there’s this great guy who I fell in love with all those years ago and loved more each day since then – he’s loving, gentle, kind, respectful, faithful, truthful, sensitive, honourable, compassionate, spiritual, intelligent, honouring...the list goes on. I love him so much, I KNOW he’s a good person. I don’t want to lose that person. How can I not love and trust this man? He is a good man, I’m sure of it.
But on the other hand there’s this guy who is controlled by his body to the point where he regularly masturbates over pictures and movies of other people in explicit and demeaning situations – he doesn’t seem to want or even try to control his urges! He’ll use porn
in preference to getting intimate with me…and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this! How can I love and trust this man? Is he addicted, is that why porn controls him like it does?
It seems he can’t wait for me to go out of the house, can’t wait for some time alone with his computer. He avoids family stuff because he’s “too tired” or “has a lot of work to do”…so I will be killing myself to look after our family, our house, our relationship and he will be using the time I’m spending on him and others to look at porn. We’ll make dates to have time together…but he’s usually too “tired and stressed”. But I know he’d have been looking at porn all afternoon while I was working, instead of getting work done himself to be free for our date.
I know all this because now I’m this miserable, lonely, paranoid person, who checks his internet history every chance I get. I’m jealous, controlling, emotional, suspicious. I hate to leave him alone to go shopping or go to bed early or watch tv without him. I can’t even take a shower in peace without knowing what he’ll be looking at as long as he can hear the water running. Even when I don’t check his computer, I still KNOW when he’s been looking: he acts differently, he looks different, he just seems…different. He pushes me away emotionally, puts barriers up, won’t talk to me.
Who can I turn to? I can’t tell my friends, my family – they might judge him for being a pervert and I don’t want to give him that label…or maybe they’d judge me, for being a prude!
I feel like an uptight freak, alone in the world.
My world is crumbling, and I am lost.
I am confused, I am in pain.
I love him, I hate this.
What will it take for me to be all he needs?
I don’t know how to cope with this any more. I’m completely in the dark. I feel numb and broken, and I don’t know how to feel right again. I can’t sleep, I can’t relax – I’ve been awake for days now. I want to lash out physically, emotionally and mentally and hurt him so badly. I simply cannot even begin to fathom how to reconcile the different parts of him with the different parts of me any more. I don’t know how to go on.
I don’t want to back out of our relationship. I made a vow, and I want to stick to it no matter what. But he has broken his vow. Our marriage is built on a lie. Do I really know this man? His reliance on porn is tearing me apart, breaking my heart and shattering my world. I feel like I hate him sometimes…and in doing so I am hating myself, killing myself with my anger, because he is a part of me. Why am I in this position? I want to scream “it’s not fair” and make him give a damn – but there’s no point, he doesn't listen. I feel like I’m drowning in my misery. I can’t live like this. Surely there is a way through this?
He is a husband, a father, a lover, a friend. Why will he not step into these roles and leave the porn that threatens them…does he really not want to be part of this family unit?! I am his wife, wanting to restore fidelity and respect for the sanctity of our marriage, willing to do almost anything to help him…and yet he doesn’t seem interested in me or our relationship.
Do I give him one more chance before I leave? Before I go insane?
I love him. I hate this. I am becoming numb.
I have no one to talk to, I have nothing left in me to give.
I hate who I have become. I cannot continue to live like this.
What do I do now?
Where do I turn?
The source of the problem, the internet…maybe there is help here as well?
Through The Flame - Stop internet porn addiction – Get help in overcoming porn addiction
I am not alone, we CAN get through this!
Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon -
04-28-2008, 10:26 PM
04-29-2008, 04:14 PM
I didn't put anything specifically in from a mother's point of view, as I suspect that a lot of partners here may not be able to relate to that - well that, and I also ran out of space to do it justice! - but I'm pretty sure we've had very similar feelings and experiences on that count, also. I'm sure that, as with me, life is 1000% better for you as a mother and wife now than it was this time last year...and isn't that a wonderful thing to be able to think about!
05-09-2008, 10:14 AM
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