Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon

[FairyG]

Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon
A short(ish) fictional journey with the spouse of a PA
By FairyG

We’ve just had yet another argument over his use of porn, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions inside my head: anger, betrayal, love, compassion, self-loathing, fear, misery… will I lose my mind first, or my relationship? Why am I not good enough for him? How do I get him to hear me? How can he keep betraying me and not caring?

I’ve tried to tell him so many times how I feel about it, hoping he might do something to change. How many arguments have we had about this? I’ve lost count. I’ve cried more tears over it than I have anything or anyone else in my lifetime. Each time, he is obviously upset over my tears, and each time he “promises” to change…but he doesn’t for very long.

I thought he had really got rid of it last time. He seemed ok, he seemed to be making an effort. But I was wrong. I trusted him – and he betrayed me.

I never thought I was that ugly, that I was undesirable, but I guess I must be – all he wants to look at is women who don’t look anything like me. He says he likes small chests, but that’s not what I see him looking at. He says he likes my figure, but the women he looks at don’t have figures like mine. He says “I married you, didn’t I?”. Yeah, he married me…but he doesn’t want me. Not that he says that, but that’s the message I get loud and clear: I’m just useful when he can’t have porn. I’m boring, imperfect, not good enough. The women he sees in movies and pictures are all much more beautiful than me with their perfect bodies. They do things I detest. They’re horrid, vile people, and I hate them all…but they look and act so perfect. I used to think if I looked more like them, maybe he’d like me instead. But now I’m not so sure. I’ve tried the skimpy underwear, I’ve tried being more adventurous in bed, I’ve tried positions that would make a yoga instructor wince – but he still doesn’t want me. Maybe if I get a boob job and liposuction…but I’m scared to do that, because what if he still doesn’t want me? Then I’ll know it’s really “just me” that’s all wrong, that I really am just a worthless person in his eyes. He says he loves me, but how do I believe that?

I found out this time because I had to use his computer: ignorance may have been bliss. But I saw some of the stuff that he’d saved: saved – all since I thought he had made an effort to get rid of it. And the urls that flashed up while I was typing in the website address I wanted to go to didn’t look very tame either. So I checked his internet history – and things looked pretty much the same as they always did before he cleared his bookmarks (which are back again too) and “made an effort” – what gives?! Was this a one-off slip I was seeing the results of? Didn’t look like it. So, he was lying to me when he said he was making an effort. He’s getting more into it. Perhaps he did try for a while, but not any more. Is his relationship with the images (and people?!?!?!) online more important to him than his relationship with his wife and family in reality? Is there any point in me going on (and on!)? Does he even care about my feelings in this affair? Or is it all about his affairs with porn? This behaviour is completely incongruous with the man I thought I knew.

When I confronted him it all got turned around and it seemed like I was the one with the problem. This always happens: I was snooping; it wasn’t as bad as it looked; I should remember that all guys need stuff like this and that most women are ok with it – it’s about giving him variety; making sure we don’t stagnate; a “non-affair” way of making sure that he gets enough physical release to not need an affair. He has a high libido; I don’t understand his needs. He needs the variety; the visual stimulation; the excitement. And anyway, the saved folder was open because he was going to delete it because I made such a fuss last time, but he forgot it was there; plus he didn’t even look at most of those web pages…

It’s not FAIR! Why do I end up feeling doubly bad after talking to him? Why is there no one I can talk to about this?

He said he went back to it the last time because he was angry at me.
He was angry at me.
I was tired of fighting over being hurt by his porn use, and wasn’t handling being frustrated myself – I have needs too, but it’s not like I can express them with THAT as competition – so I got angry at him for something stupid and unrelated. Ok, so I didn’t deal with my anger well, and if it’s any consolation I felt awful about it for a long time afterwards. But no, on second thoughts I don’t think he does deserve any consolation, because there is nothing he could do to make me angry enough to do something to hurt him as much as that – even if I DID think he would never find out! His use of porn makes me angrier than I ever thought possible. But have I sworn at him, have I physically lashed out at him, have I broken his computer, have I done anything to deliberately hurt him in return, have I stormed out and demanded he give up “or else”, have I given him a “porn or me” ultimatum - yet? No! So what gives him the right to hurt me and our relationship like that?

Well, I have done I guess, by taking it. However, no more…I will not, I CAN not, take this any more.
How do I keep us going? How do I get him to see what he’s doing to us? I love him so much…but I don’t want to live like this.

On the one hand there’s this great guy who I fell in love with all those years ago and loved more each day since then – he’s loving, gentle, kind, respectful, faithful, truthful, sensitive, honourable, compassionate, spiritual, intelligent, honouring...the list goes on. I love him so much, I KNOW he’s a good person. I don’t want to lose that person. How can I not love and trust this man? He is a good man, I’m sure of it.

But on the other hand there’s this guy who is controlled by his body to the point where he regularly masturbates over pictures and movies of other people in explicit and demeaning situations – he doesn’t seem to want or even try to control his urges! He’ll use porn in preference to getting intimate with me…and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this! How can I love and trust this man? Is he addicted, is that why porn controls him like it does?

It seems he can’t wait for me to go out of the house, can’t wait for some time alone with his computer. He avoids family stuff because he’s “too tired” or “has a lot of work to do”…so I will be killing myself to look after our family, our house, our relationship and he will be using the time I’m spending on him and others to look at porn. We’ll make dates to have time together…but he’s usually too “tired and stressed”. But I know he’d have been looking at porn all afternoon while I was working, instead of getting work done himself to be free for our date.

I know all this because now I’m this miserable, lonely, paranoid person, who checks his internet history every chance I get. I’m jealous, controlling, emotional, suspicious. I hate to leave him alone to go shopping or go to bed early or watch tv without him. I can’t even take a shower in peace without knowing what he’ll be looking at as long as he can hear the water running. Even when I don’t check his computer, I still KNOW when he’s been looking: he acts differently, he looks different, he just seems…different. He pushes me away emotionally, puts barriers up, won’t talk to me.

Who can I turn to? I can’t tell my friends, my family – they might judge him for being a pervert and I don’t want to give him that label…or maybe they’d judge me, for being a prude!

I feel like an uptight freak, alone in the world.

My world is crumbling, and I am lost.
I am confused, I am in pain.
I love him, I hate this.

What will it take for me to be all he needs?

I don’t know how to cope with this any more. I’m completely in the dark. I feel numb and broken, and I don’t know how to feel right again. I can’t sleep, I can’t relax – I’ve been awake for days now. I want to lash out physically, emotionally and mentally and hurt him so badly. I simply cannot even begin to fathom how to reconcile the different parts of him with the different parts of me any more. I don’t know how to go on.

I don’t want to back out of our relationship. I made a vow, and I want to stick to it no matter what. But he has broken his vow. Our marriage is built on a lie. Do I really know this man? His reliance on porn is tearing me apart, breaking my heart and shattering my world. I feel like I hate him sometimes…and in doing so I am hating myself, killing myself with my anger, because he is a part of me. Why am I in this position? I want to scream “it’s not fair” and make him give a damn – but there’s no point, he doesn't listen. I feel like I’m drowning in my misery. I can’t live like this. Surely there is a way through this?

He is a husband, a father, a lover, a friend. Why will he not step into these roles and leave the porn that threatens them…does he really not want to be part of this family unit?! I am his wife, wanting to restore fidelity and respect for the sanctity of our marriage, willing to do almost anything to help him…and yet he doesn’t seem interested in me or our relationship.

Do I give him one more chance before I leave? Before I go insane?

I love him. I hate this. I am becoming numb.
I have no one to talk to, I have nothing left in me to give.
I hate who I have become. I cannot continue to live like this.
What do I do now?
Where do I turn?

The source of the problem, the internet…maybe there is help here as well?

Through The Flame - Stop internet porn addiction – Get help in overcoming porn addiction

I am not alone, we CAN get through this!

[jimfear]

I am sorry about the situation you are in. A healthy relationship is extremely important, but what is vital is your personal happiness. It is extremely unfair how he treats the situation; almost as if it is bad for you to question it. He needs to seek help - but the first step to getting help is for him to admit having a problem. Some people think viewing porn is a natural and innate ability in all men - as if it is our god given right. I cannot denounce such a statement more. While some people who view it may not be affected, your husband definitely shows the signs of an addiction; especially when it is interfering with his time, social life, AND marriage. Your happiness should be his number one priority and if he cannot get help with such a selfish, and self-graitfying habit - you may have to think of other solutions to the problem. I had a past relationship where my pornographic habits deeply affected my now ex-girlfriend. I became the "lazy boyfriend" who didn't have time - was too stressed, and too tired to give her the attention and love she needed. It wasn't as if she wasn't attractive, didn't have the right body, didn't do unnameable things for the sake of my gratification, etc. - it was the escape; the procrastination it provided me. It gave me this high for a moment that an intimate relationship couldn't - making me forget all of my worries, and problems. I truly believe that pornographic addictions mostly are caused from such scenarios just as the same as drug use, or alcohol use. He may need to get help for anxiety, depression, or other things that may trigger or fuel his addiction. A possible solution may be to start doing activities together namely exercising as that not only boosts self esteem but releases endorphines in the body which overall make people happier. Either way, he needs to find other hobbies to help take the time away he uses to look at such material online.

You must remember, however, that you need to truly focus on your personal happiness; it is not selfish! If you feel as if you have exhausted all solutions - you may have to be true to yourself and back out. If he is unwilling to help himself and continue to be selfish, you must help and not lose yourself. You are obviously concerned, and trying to seek out solutions but to no avail - we know you are trying and it is NOT negative for you to think of your own happiness if he is unwilling to change himself. I truly hope everything works out for you. It is difficult, but no matter what you must stay strong and not lose yourself. :)

[Inshi]

Very well written Fairy G! Seems like u opened up my mind and spilled out its contents b4 writing all that.Now I know that we all think and feel the same way, I can relax and know that Iam not some paranoid freak.
Thank you, for that.:)

[FoolishMind]

Thank you so much for this FairyG. Yes its fictional, but you have captured so much and so well, clearly through experiencing alot of this yourself. I hope all partners of a PA will be able to relate to this, and clearly identify that they are not alone, and will be able to get valuable help and support from sincere members as yourself.

Members who are also affected by P themselves, will also find this a valuable insight into how their partner may feel. Anyone affected by PA must educate themselves to understand this from all perspectives.

If you have found this post useful, please acknowledge it by providing thanks for FairyG's post, who has dedicated her time to doing this for Throughtheflame.

Thank You.

If you would like to see an insight from a PA's perspective click here.


FoolishMind

[FairyG]

Hi all,

Jimfear,
Thankfully this was written as it (kind of) was 6 months ago, rather than as it is now (though it did dredge up some rather uncomfortable memories - the bonus of writing at night while my husband wasn't around was that I could work through that without taking anything undeserved out on him!). Thank you for your words of wisdom, however...I'm glad to see you here, and to know that you're working on overcoming this "dark side" of yours - I wish you all the best on your journey, and hope we'll see more of your writing here.

Inshi,
Thanks for your thanks! Isn't it nice to know we're definitely not paranoid freaks (loving-yet-cracked-eggs with a warped sense of humour, perhaps (or is that just me?) but not paranoid freaks!) :D I didn't put anything specifically in from a mother's point of view, as I suspect that a lot of partners here may not be able to relate to that - well that, and I also ran out of space to do it justice! - but I'm pretty sure we've had very similar feelings and experiences on that count, also. I'm sure that, as with me, life is 1000% better for you as a mother and wife now than it was this time last year...and isn't that a wonderful thing to be able to think about!

FoolishMind,
Thanks also to you - after all, you wrote the first piece of TTF fiction! It's heartening to have read of your struggles and seen who you have become through them, and healing also to see the efforts you make to understand how Inshi and us other wives/partners have felt through everything. It's just my opinion, but I feel that true understanding of both parts of the equation is essential to being able to move on and conquer one's fears - whether one is the PA or the spouse, once a commitment to change is undertaken by both partners, true understanding lets love grow where it might otherwise have been smothered by fear.

Thank you :)

[ShannonErin]

wow you just liked described my situation almost to a T :/

except apparently it has nothing to do with me, i cant be everything to him,he cant look at my images and videos because he watches it because hes curious of other women, and apparently since its just me for the rest of his life hes justified to look at these other women..

[lanalu]

Well, I understand this exactly. To those men out there, you might as well be having an affair or multiple affairs because this is the same thing, the same feelings arise..the same hurt, pain, anger and blow to our selves as women.

[cmperry]

Thank you for this post, very very well written, I could never have expressed it any better, thank you.

[Nessy]

I could have not wrote this better myself.
Those seem to be the words from my mouth, the feelings from my heart, that just fell out on to the page in front of me!

I found this site and I have been looking for some kind of support system, just so I know I am not loosing my mind just yet.

More later..........


Nessy

[tone]

I would like to thank you for your post. I have been on the other side of your pain for many a year, with my soon to be ex-wife on the receiving side and feeling exactly what you described. It took my wife kicking me out of our home, and unfortunately the break-up of my marriage to get me wake up. My wife had reached the point of no return when she asked me to leave. This meant that no matter what I said and what help I got, it was too late.

What I have is an addiction. Like alcoholism or a drug addiction, unless there is a complete acknowledgment that something is wrong and that what a person has is an addiction as opposed to a habit it will always get the best of you. The only lesson I can pass on from my experience is that rather than get to a stage where it is too late for one more chance, you need to shock your husband into admitting that he has a problem that requires professional help and then work through it with him. The alternative is the end of your marriage when you get to a point when you decide to finally look after number one.

Best wishes
Tone