Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon

[Bozo]

Wow FairyG, ive never seen this from my GFs point of view. While I am feeling better about being free I feel even more sick about everything I have done and put her through.

[AirKeep]

Tone and FairyG, thanks for both of your posts. I can relate to Tone, and try to empathize with FairyG.
After just over 6yrs of marriage, that I thought was a good marriage, my soon to be ex confronted me if I was again caught in this trap, and I admitted I was. She knew about it before we got married, and unfortunately we both underestimated whtat a problem it was, and why it was happening.
Three horrible weeks after "confessing", my wife filed for divorce, and that is that. I too got the 'It's too late'. While I get jealous of those couples that actually know about the problem and try to work through it, even fight about it, I realize I never had to be given that chance, I was given the chance at 'I do'. Tone, I feel for you, and am glad to hear what sounds like is your learning from the experience.
FairyG, Thanks for sharing probably just a small part of how you feel. It can probably never be expressed in writing. I spent that horrible three weeks trying to avert what was looming, and many months afterwards in denial of a lot of things, as well as somewhat blaming. I never blamed my wife for my problem, but I sure tried to find many things she was 'wrong' about when it did all fall apart, and that takes the focus off of me.
Probably everyone here has spent countless hours reading articles and stories, and probably can't be told anything they haven't already. To those on the other side of this, but really caught up in it as well, wives or husbands, there is hope. I applaud those that see it for what it is, and that may be whatever you choose to define it as. Both sides probably can never fully realize the hurt and pain on either side. I certainly have become more aware of my wife's pain (thanks to stories like this), and am sorry I caused it. I'll be more sorry if we both don't learn from it, regardless of being separate. Tone and FairG, Thanks again. For those struggling on both ends, please get help, somehow, someway, for both of you.

[Abbie]

This brought tears to my eyes, it was very well written and spoke for so many women out here. Thanks for sharing. (*)

[dunno_what_to_do]

I needed to know that I wasn't alone, and that other women feel the same. I'm so hurt and confused right now, and I don't know if I have the strength to be supportive. I have fogiven so many times before, yet I just can't forget. I'm having a hard time determining what my role is in this....

[mybitz]

thankyou so much. you put into words what i could not. Instead I turned anorexic to get my body perfect fo him because i thought it was me not looking like those images. as I deteriorated this only made him worse. Now I know it isnt me I can fight this horrible ED for myself knowing that what ever i look like he will still have this problem.

[Heartbroken85]

Reading this, I felt like you spied on me in my life and wrote down everything I feel and think. I'm so glad I'm not alone. For so long I've felt alone, and allowed him to make me feel like I was wrong for hating it. He's out of town with some friends this weekend, but when he comes home he's going to find the letter I'm writing to him right now, as well as a reccommendation to this web site and links to this forum.

It feels like there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm filled with so much hope right now. I can't explain it. I'm crying for the millionth time in two days, but now they are tears of hope and joy. Thank you so much.

[Jacinda24]

This is the story that made me join this website. This is "the" story.Many of us eat, sleep, and drink to it. I never would have known that pornography could be so hurtful. The part that I truly don't understand is why the men can't stop? If you love someone why would you degrade them in such a disgusting way? Why not end the relationship with the woman? You've already choose porn over them. You gave up your right to love and be loved by choosing porn. You made a conscious decision.
I feel it somehow ruins the women, it makes it that much harder to leave because now you've completely destroyed our self-esteem. You've taken something beautiful and unique to us as a couple and broke it, completely crapped all over it. Shared your most intimate thoughts (indirectly) with other women. Although I have to admit, when I saw my BF had emailed a P model-I just can't get over it. It hurts, deep. When you can speak to a stranger sexually like that and not be intimate with your real lover-what is that?
I'm outraged Tonight. I'm downright angry. I'll sympathize but then I'll think Why? I would NEVER hurt him like this, and I truly feel like it's a choice. And he doesn't get it! He just doesn't think it's a big deal!!!!

[Searching4peace]

The part that I truly don't understand is why the men can't stop? If you love someone why would you degrade them in such a disgusting way? Why not end the relationship with the woman? You've already choose porn over them. You gave up your right to love and be loved by choosing porn. You made a conscious decision.

The sad thing about PA and SA in general is that it's not always a conscious decision...just as most Alcoholics didn't choose to be alcoholics it kinda snuck up on them and bit them in the arse. Addiction is something that takes over ones rational mind, they can see what it's doing to them they just can't stop it. Most PA's never realize until it's to late the damage they've done to their spouses or loved ones or even them selves. We live in a society that pushes sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars, it's every where you look...emphasis is put on most of us from a very young age that beauty and sexy are what's important. It's provacotive, it's "wrong/naughty" and has a draw. Sex draws on a primal part of our core being, ropes around it and holds on for dear life.

Yes pa's have, from a SO perspective, chosen P over them...but in many cases it doesn't mean that they love us any less, just that the demon of addiction has latched on and won't let go. The euphoria that a pa gets with p use is similar to the high a drug addict gets by using drugs, it overwhelms the senses and blocks out that rational mind that says "wait maybe this is bad, I should be with my wife or husband, I should be doing something else"...but it's to late they're hooked.

I know it's hard to see this when you are in the midst of being hurt by your spouses pa. It's hard to see their side, it's hard to not feel, think, react like we as women do. But when it comes down to it...Men don't think like us, they don't rationalize like us, and they don't "feel" things the way we do...but that's not to say that they are irrational or unfeeling, it's just one of the things that makes us unique. PA is an addiction that robs a person of Self esteem, self worth, and control...the sad thing is it effects the pa and the so in similar ways. The best thing I ever did in my recovery with my husband was to step back, and do everything in my power to educate myself about what he was going through, really going through...and to learn how I could help him without compromising myself...and to teach him how to help me without compromising his own recovery. It's a fine line we so's walk, to be supportive without loosing our selves in the battle.

That being said Jacinda your situation merits some changes in how to react, because you're loved one isn't just viewing p, he has taken it to a different level of sexual addiction...it's no longer a nameless person on a screen it's other women even if in strictly chat scenario...This is not ok, this is not healthy, this is degrading to you on a level that makes my heart hurt for you. The inner feminist in me wants to scream run, run like the wind...but the rational part of me knows that when you love someone you can't just clip those feelings. He does need to come out of denial and see that what he is doing is harmful to himself and to you, and it is becoming behavior that could escalate into something much much worse. It's no longer a matter of his addiction to p, it's crossed into a different level of SA. I recommend you reading up on Sexaholics Anon...and for yourself S-anon. This might help you to decide what is best for you.
Peace and love,
Crys

[Tired...I think....]

Though I'm not in a relationship--at least not a "real" one--I feel the realness of the woman in the article. I've avoided actual relationships (I like to think it was up to me whether a woman would want me :)) because of this P addiction, I think. But, in the same sense as the woman in article, the women who I have not pursued--the ones who'd shown interest--probably felt the same way as she.

[Nana]

Thank you so much dear for this post.

It includes everything that I feel.. =((

I thought that I am the only person on earth who feels like this,
I am somehow calmer now..