New struggling PA

[Novaboy]

Hi everyone,

Just a quick introduction for now. I am 43 years old, been struggling with P for most of my life, became a real problem when the internet took off. Realized I had a real problem back in 2005 when my wife discovered what I had been doing. She stayed with me and supported me, however its a daily battle and I have had numerous set backs and relapses. I even saw a therapist, but with my crazy work schedule it was hard to make and keep appointments. I'm at the point now that it's driven me into a depression, and I'm not the man I was 10 years ago. I know that stress is a big trigger for my PA, and I also suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) so the fall and winter make it worst.

I am going to start a journal here shortly, and with the help of this forum, hopefully kick this insane habit for good. I have managed to stay away from P for 4 days now, and I'm starting to feel the effects of the withdrawl. It's amazing how this addiction affects the body as well as the mind. I have also started to run regularly again, and have commited to training for an ultramarathon(50 mile run) this fall.

I am so happy to found this site and be able to share my issues and hear from others suffering with PA.

talk soon

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Novaboy

I would like to welcome you to TTF.

Though it does make me sad that you need to be here, I am very happy that you are. the only way for any of us to get through this addiction, is by getting help, from others, who are going through the same things. there is just no way for us, to do this on our own.

The one thing I can say about this addiction, is that it will destroy anything good in our lives. It will destroy the hearts of our wives/SO's, and they do not deserve to be going through any of this.

I am 55 years old, and I have had a problem with this addiction since I was about 12 years old, but have been free from it since Dec.2010, so that just shows that we can beat this crap

As you already do know, this addiction is a tough one to free our self from, because this crap follows us around in our every day life. there are always trigger/temptations, that are in from of us. the only way that we are able to break free from the temptations, is by have a good SOLID plan in front of us, at ALL times, and make sure we use these plans all of the time.

This may be a good time to make sure that you do not have any hidden files still on your computer. if you do, DELETE THEM NOW, because if you don't, I promise you my friend, that in times of struggles, you will turn to them. If you feel that a internet filter will help you, install one. there are many good one out there for us to use. try K9, it works good, and it is free. but even if you need to buy one, I can say with all honestly, that there is no price to big, for the feeling that we get , when we are free from this crap in our lives.

Even though this is a online support group, it will help you so much by being here. there are so many here who are ready and willing to help you in your recovery. If you feel that you need more in recovery than just this wonderful site, maybe, you can check out SA or SAA meetings in your area. I feel that the face to face support that I receive from my SAA group, has helped me so much.

You say you are going to start a journal soon. when you do, make sure you write in it as much as you can. the only way any of us can help you, is by knowing what you are going through in your recovery. And as you write in your journal in what you are doing to fight against this addiction, others will read it, and just by what you wrote, may help them in there everyday struggles that they are going through

So get those tools in order, so you can put up a good fight against this addiction. you can do this, if it is in YOUR HEART to do it.

Welcome to your new family here at TTF, you are never alone in this now

I wish you the best in recovery

Gerald

[JenMac]

Hey Nova Boy,
Welcome to TTF. I am sorry for the place you find yourself in, but I am glad that you have found your way here.
Nova, you speak of SAD. My husband Mac also thought he may be suffering from SAD the winter I discovered this in our home. Lo and behold, it was PA. Once on a clear path to recovery, all of the anxieties and unhappiness seemed to dissipate. Oh there was stress in dealing with all of this, but the unexplained sadness and edginess were gone. Now he knew why he was feeling stressed when and if he felt it. He also found his sleep was disrupted during his time of use. That has corrected itself also.
Nova, there are many repercussions when it comes to this addiction. Hopefully, as you work your way toward recovery, you will find that the negative feelings you are experiencing will lessen or be gone completely.
Wishing you all the best as you begin your journey Nova. I hope you will share TTF with your wife. She will be needing support as well.
Just so you are aware, there is a men's chat most Monday evenings 9PM EST, and a couples' chat most Wednesday evenings 8 PM EST.
All the best!
Jenn

[Novaboy]

Thanks for the replies Jenmac and Gerald. Tomorrow will be 7 days of sobriety, and I am feeling really good. The beginning of the week was rough, but yesterday and today have been great. I've been out running with some friends, and keeping busy. Tomorrow I head off to work for 10 days, flying to Florida and the Caribbean which is really lifting my spirits. I am so looking forward to running in the warm sun, and getting out paddle boarding again. The real test will be if I can be good during my down times in the hotel room. I need a computer for work so the lure of P is always there, but if I stay really active and visit this site a lot I should be good. I'll explain my work situation and little bit more about my history when I start my journal this weekend.

Until then, everyone have a great weekend, and keep up the fight.
Cheers

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Novaboy

Nice to hear that you are doing well so far in recovery. It shows that you are trying to do what you can to beat this crap and remove it out of your life. instead of just sitting home, you are doing things to help keep you busy, which in turn, gets your mind off of this addiction for a while.

Wow you say you are off to work for ten day, and it looks like you are going to a couple of good relaxing places to work. sounds more like vacation spots than it does work.

You say that the real test will be in your off time in your room, because you will have a computer, and that is a temptation for you. All i can tell you is, that while in your room, just think about how damn good you feel in being 7 days clean from this crap. If you are to reflect on all of the work it took for you to remain clean for the 7 days, and when you feel as good as you do right now, for doing this good in your recovery, you will see that NOTHING is worth making you feel bad again, and NOTHING is worth making you go back into that dark deep abyss of P.

Try to focus on recovery, and fight off any temptations that come your way. if you are on the computer working, and the THOUGHTS come to you, walk away for a minute, and take a break for a few, and when the thoughts are gone, then go back to working.

If you get a chance, come on here and let us know how you are doing. It is always nice to hear from you

Be safe and strong
Gerald

You worked to hard to feel as good as you say you do right now, to give in to this crap. I hope that you have a good trip, and you get there and home safely

[Novaboy]

Just started a journal tonight, recovery is going well, tomorrow will be day 8. I'm in the sunny south and I'm in my happy place. I ran for 90mins in the warm sun today and just feel really great. I still get images of P flashing in my mind, but have been able to keep it at bay. This website is a good outlet, ai look forward to logging on here instead.Gerald, I appreciate the kind words and the support, makes me want to keep up the good fight, and kick this crap. If I can do the same for some other PA even better.Cheers til tomorrow.

[no_excuses]

Just want to say welcome, Novaboy, glad to hear it's going well for you. I'm almost 3 weeks clean now and it hasn't been extremely difficult, no "white knuckle" moments, and I think that's mainly because (like you) I've tried and failed to quit so many times and was so damned disgusted with myself, and I was able to keep that emotional memory in my mind. There was no way I was going back to failure, no way I was going back to self-loathing, and no way I was giving up the happiness and clean feeling that I had just gained. I also knew that complacency had been my downfall before. I'd be clean for a week or two and think I had it licked, so it was OK to view this little bit of nudity here or this mild thing here. Nope. The cliff is extremely sheer, and within a day or two, I'd be sinking as low as ever. Now I'm extremely vigilant and I take daily recovery work very seriously. It's like practicing anything - drift even a little away from it, and you're off your game. With addiction, we cannot afford to be off our game by even a hair.

One thing I've noticed that may relate to you is that the workaholic mentality can make us susceptible to porn use. I'm a workaholic, but deep inside, I know being a workaholic is bad for people. It pulls our concentration too far off-balance. When we do any one thing too much, we're off-balance, we're not totally in control. And when we've already allowed ourselves to be off-balance one way, it's easier to allow ourselves to go off-balance another way. They're both indulgences, surrenders, and that's precisely what we need to avoid right now. So I'd highly recommend taming the workaholic tendencies now while also taming the P desires. I found that it was a very fitting two-fer effort, and that taming one made it easier to tame the other, and taming both made me feel really optimal, like I was on top of the world and in control of my life and desires.

Last note, if you have down time, do not be alone in a room with a computer. That's like hanging out with a sleeping lion. Turn off the computer (off, not just asleep) and leave the room, go do anything else that will occupy your mind. Just because we're in control of our minds does not mean we should put ourselves in risky situations.

Best wishes in the fight.

[Novaboy]

Well today marks the start of day 10. The last 2 days have been little more difficult, I'm away on the road and staying in hotels which is a great environment for me to be acting out on my PA. I have been trying to stay busy, and stay outdoors as much as I can. I saw a therapist a couple of years ago who specialized in SA and after discussing my issues with him, he told me that when I get urges to just MB, because after I am not interested in viewing P anymore. He is right and it does work for me. When I do MB I don't think about the images I have seen on the computer screen, it's mostly about being with my wife or former lovers of mine. No_excuses,Thanks for the reply, fortunately for me I am not a workaholic, I enjoy the recreational aspects of my life too much. I don't live to work, I work to live. That being said there are periods where my job consumes a lot of my time. Thankfully this is not one of those times. Right now I am at work, however I am hanging out in San Juan waiting for my next flight (pilot on a corporate jet).

[PER50NA]

hey 10 days is great ! keep it up