First Impressions

[DesperateHousewife]

Hello All. Thank you for being here.

I will try to make a first good impression in spite of my current state of utter disagreeableness. (ps, I do not care to use abbreviations, and from what I understand, I am not required to?)

I have been married for a long time, and have been hating myself even longer. My husband feeds my self hate a healthy, consistent diet of heavily refined fuel. It burns hot and for a long time. He is certainly not the first person to do this, but he should've been the first person not to. He knew, expicitly, of the origins and my tendancies toward self directed hatred as well as the triggers. I was very honest with him about myself and my triggers and my pain and what I desperately desired in a relationship. He knew how much I hated porn and he knew the damage that porn had already done to me. I WAS HONEST!!! He was NOT. He married me knowing full well that he was going to pour emotional acid all over me with regular frequency. He, of course, would SAY that if he had known how much he was going to hurt me....... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!! He SAYS truck loads of empty, fruitless, worthless, meaningless ****! It is so painful to know that he wasn't even thinking about me at the very beginning of our relationship. The stage was set.

Anyhow. After what seemed like a pretty decent show, the curtain has come down, AGAIN. I am SO tired of my husband brutalizing my spirit. I want to be ALIVE! I don't want to be dead anymore!!!!!! The graveyard in my heart is overflowing with corpses.

We have several children whom I am the sole caretaker of and he is rarely home, leaving me with zero opportunity for having the breakdown that I carry around, which makes it very difficult to move. I can't even have my breakdown here due to the fact that it would absolutely violate content restrictions. I want to break stuff. Tear stuff to shreds. Set stuff on fire. Jump up and down and have a full blown fit. I want to rip out my hair. I want to rip off my skin and shred it to bits. I want my husband to hurt as much as I do. He deserves it.

So, um...... Hi. I'm Desperate. Nice to meet you.

[JenMac]

Hi Desperate!
I am so glad you found us! Seems you NEED to be here.
Sorry doesn't really help at this point, but I am sorry for what you are going through. I am sorry that you don't feel you have anywhere where you can let it all out! Be rest assured, we are good listeners here but yes there are guidelines that we cannot cross. Perhaps that is a good thing for us too? For me, it felt good to hold myself to a higher standard so I did not feed anger inside myself. I needed calm as I was reeling inside. But we are all different, not necessarily in what we feel, but in how we react.
Desperate, I encourage you to start a journal in the SO journal section. There are many wonderful SOs here who will lend support and encouragement to you. They know exactly what you are experiencing and so can be a great source of assistance.
In my situation, my H also knew my disdain for P. There was no misunderstanding there. But it happened anyway. We have come a long way in the 22 months since the discovery of this in our marriage. The upheaval has settled and we have been on a road to recovery and healing since that day. It has been a long hard journey, but we are in a good place. Miracles do happen.
I am sorry for your pain and anger Desperate. In fact anger is hurt turned outward. I hope that you find TTF to be helpful to you on your path to healing. And that it can be the blessing to you that it has been to me.
Wishing you all the best!
Jenn

[DesperateHousewife]

Yes, in this case, anger is hurt turned outward. I completely agree with that. I do not feel bad about being angry, only frustrated that I have nowhere to put it, and I do feel quite entitled to this anger and I won't apologize for it. He has raked me over the wash board and put me through the ringer, more than one time and in more than just your average, run of the mill chemical compunds. This has been going on for more than half my life.

I've taken the high road. In fact, I was on the high road until planted a trip wire on it, watched me fall on my face and blamed me for it, getting angry that I had the nerve to question him about it. Sometimes, I think he gets as high from hurting me as he does from porn.

[JenMac]

Hi Desperate!
Noone will tell you that you are not entitled to feel angry. Quite the opposite. But I will tell you that anger and turmoil, if not gotten under control will do more harm to YOU than to anyone else. Another sad but true statement.
Yes they have hurt us. Yes we have every right to feel these feelings. But until we can put ourselves on the road to healing, with or without them, we are harming ourselves much more than we are harming them.
When I first arrived here I was welcomed by many people. The one that I remember most is the one who very wisely warned me not to get stuck in the anger and bitterness that this can create. I was determined not to let that happen. Whether on my own, or with my H, I was going to heal. I was going to live a life free from this soul destroying obsession. It took some time and hard work to get here but I am happy to be in the place I am in.
Let your anger work to your benefit. Use it to fuel your healing. By determining what you will accept in your life, setting boundaries to reflect that and making that clear to your H in a forthright way, you will set yourself on a better path. Once I felt clear about all of those things, I felt much more in control of the direction I was going. And that made me feel much better about my role in this.
All the best Desperate! Wishing you healing!
Jenn

[DesperateHousewife]

The only way I won't be angry is if I get it out of me. That's all there is to it. Right now, the high road is closed due to a pretty big landslide. If this anger does damage me, that's just one more consequence he'll have to suffer. .............Even though he won't. HE never suffers. That's what I'm for.

[leadmehome]

I did this to her, my beautiful bride. The woman who has givin me everything good in my life. She has blessed me with 5 wonderful children, she pursues me and does everything she can think of to make me happy. And still I am foolish, evil, and selfish enough to block out the past and forget and ignore all the pain and torment I have caused this woman, just to indulge my own perverted impulses.... all the while convincing myself that I won't get caught and that there will be no consequences, although I always do and there always are. I hate P, and I do not deserve this awsome wife and family; but I won't so much do deserve them, to be a strong and trustworthy man for them. This website has been very helpful in keeping me in a place where I can see these truths clearly and soberly. I am especially affected by the SO's here, reading your heart wrenching stories validates my wifes pain in a big way and makes me want to change and be part of the solution instead of the problem. I have a long way to go. Thank you for your willingness to share