Love my wife

[leadmehome]

Hello everybody. I am so happy to be here, twenty or thirty years ago would have been better but oh well (deep resentment and bitter undertones unintended). I joined this site a few weeks ago but I wasn't able to log on, I tried and tried and changed my password and even had a new one sent to me but nothing worked. I was very dissapointed. I even tried a different forum and that didn't work. I finally concluded that it must be my "smart"phone that I was using or that I needed a real computer (an ironic conclussion because I absolutely do not need a real computer, if you know what I mean). But today, after praying all day that my wife can give me yet one more chance, and coming clean with her about a few things including my attempts at becoming involved with this forum; she told me exactly what I was doing wrong and here I am, and on my phone none the less. Thank you all so much for being here, and thank you whoever's in charge around here for providing this resource. I have never felt so confident and encouraged that I can overcome this addiction and destructive cycle, and become the man my awsome wife and children so deserve.

[Disillusioned]

HI Lead Me Home. Welcome to TTF where there is a diverse group of people, SOs and PAs, who have all been hurt by P. The stupid stuff doesn't come with a warning like cigarettes do, and it is just as destructive to lives and addictive. In fact, folks who have suffered from both addictions tell us that the P is much harder to eliminate from our lives than is smoking.
This thing seeps into our lives with our own curiosityand often in the anonymity of our homes. While we are going, "Holy, I can't believe this!" it is laying its claws into a users brain, changing it, slowly but surely. It works on the same circuitry there other addictions and drugs work on, BUT it travels at a rate 2% faster than other images and thoughts. Our fellows call it 'the beast.' The more you read and learn, the more you will see it is a pretty apt description.
P uses degradation and s-x to give users a jolt, and as the person continues to look, he becomes desensitized to the things that at first were very shocking. Then he has to go to more depraved and more hurtful subject matter to experience the jolt that novelty first gave.
If you talk to people who aren't addicted, they will probably laugh at you for worrying you might be addicted. It's just p. Well, p is recorded in our brains as if it's the real thing. The neurotransmitters released when watching are the same that get released during normal s-x. Most of our men are aware that triggers can result in wanting to look, very badly, even when we have pledged to quit using. Now triggers are different for each of us, but many are the same. Images of scantily dressed women, women who have dressed in styles that at one time would have gotten them arrested, tv programs, magazine covers, etc. But, it also comes down to things like boredom, coming home to an empty house, having a bad day at work, fighting with the spouse, having money trouble.
The truth about p is that it is used to numb us from our real lives. It is an unhealthy way to deal with pain and emotions that just are too uncomfortable to deal with, so you use the p to take you somewhere else, and it does. After a while we end up wanting to run to it to self-soothe. Can't sleep, p; anxious, p; lonely,p.
While our PAs were busy 'entertaining' themselves, as some refer to using p, trusting wives who had no clue were not with us and had no idea their hs were being infected. When an SO finds out her h, her love, her mate for life, father of her children, co-holder of dreams and future, is involved with something this awful, they are terribly shocked and hurt. Some therapists liken the effect to that of PTSS like our returning soldiers have from battlefield events. Just as SOs can never fully understand what the attraction is in p, a PA can never completely understand what it feels like to be a faithful SO and have this dropped upon them. They often doubt their attractiveness, prowess, and then they begin to wonder if they are flawed in that they could not see what was right in front of them and beside them at night in the marital bed. The recovery for the addict is not as arduous or as lengthy as that of his SO.
It is easier for a PA to recover if his spouse is there for him, supporting him, listening to him, cheerleading each victory, but there is nothing anywhere that says a depressed SO owes this to her PA h. He brought this into the marriage, and it is up to him to fix it, fix himself, and try to lift and re-assure his wife in any way that she might need. We have seen many marriages fold from this, and it hurts each one of us when this happens.
Our goal is to dispel myths about p, teach how harmful it is, verify that it is addictive, provide an anonymous place to share feelings, anxieties and tears. If you ask a question, someone here will try to answer or tell you if they experienced the same thing and what they did.
It's up to each of us to make a well-examined list of what are triggers are, and then come up with things that we are absolutely going to do, instead of p. If coming home and finding the place empty is a trigger, as soon as you realize, I'm alone, I must go for the sweeper and clean the floors, or do push ups, or run for an hour... Something that is an absolute and helps retrain the brain, reboot it if you will, to use healthier response to triggers.
SOs have triggers too. There is nothing like the pain of knowing where your h has had his thoughts over many years, going out to relax on a dinner date together, just the two of you, be in conversation and see our men do a full body scan of some attractive looking woman right in front of us. It brings that mental infidelity right before our eyes and stabs like a knife into the soul of a woman who should not ever have experienced such betrayl.
Best wishes on beginning your recovery. PLease keep reading and posting. This can be overcome but it takes much work and some painful self-exam. You first have to be well acquainted with the beast to know where he comes from, what he truly is and how harmful it is to anyone who comes in contact with it is.
You have taken a terrific first step. I, as an SO, can only imagine how this might lighten the heart of your spouse and give her tangible proof that you intend to change this and be the better man you were intended to be and know, in your heart, that you are capable of being.

[leadmehome]

Well said, you hit the nail on the head. My dear wife has suffered and is suffering far more than I ever had as a result of my actions. She feels fat and disgusting, and alone. She does not believe me when I tell her that I love her and cherish her and think she's beautiful, and that she is my very best friend in the whole world. She doesn't know that I love making love to her more than I ever loved P..... because my selfish thoughtless actions speak otherwise. Thanks

[JenMac]

Hi Leadmehome!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you found your way here!
I would also like to encourage you to invite your wife to join us here. We have a very supportive group of SOs here who will assist your wife in feeling less alone in her feelings. TTF was a Godsend to me when I discovered it 21 months ago, and has been ever since. I attended counselling before finding my way here and I can tell you that the support I found here was way beyond what the counselling experience was.
What your wife is experiencing is not unique in this situation. Of course that does not make it any easier, but it does make us feel less alone, less crazy.
We also have a couples chat on Wednesday evenings that I would encourage you both to attend whether she joins right away or not. It is a great way to share struggles and accomplishments, and to learn from each other through what we have experienced on our journeys.
I also encourage you to start a journal in the recovery journal thread.
There is also a men's chat on Monday evening at 9 PM EST that you are welcome to attend.
Wishing you strength in recovery Lovemywife.
By being here you are taking concrete steps towards recovery.
All the best!
Jenn


Trauma to SOs

Thought you and your wife may find this article helpful in understanding what she may be going through.

[leadmehome]

She's here

[IN NEED OF HELP]

leadmehome

Though it is not the home you are talking about, but you have just found home. the home that you found is our home here at TTF, and there are so many here that are willing and ready to help you with your addiction. So with that said, welcome to TTF

As you come here, you will see that so many are going through the same thing as you are. even if are addiction are different in areas, we all feel the affect that is caused by this addiction. usually the affect are broken households, because of our very unwise decisions that we made in our lives.

We all feel the same as you do, in that we wish we found this site 20 years ago, because if we had, maybe we would not be in the spot that we are in now with our SO's. I am 55 years old, and have had this addiction since I was about 12 years old. I started my recovery in Dec 2010 after my SO found out what I was doing, and I just ripped her heart right out of her chest. the only good thing in my recovery, is that I have been clean from day one of recovery

I say that is the only good thing, because even after 14 months, and though I still live in the same home as my SO, we are in different rooms, and we are not living as a couple. but I know, until the day I die, I wont give up in trying to have my Beautiful SO back in my life.

We can not have this crap in are relationships, and think it is ok to do so. sooner or later, our actions do catch up with us, and by then, we will have destroyed everything about our SO.

So right now, all I can say to you, is to get on the ball, and get this crap out of your life for good. and I am a big believer in that any addict, can get this out of there lives. sure it can be hard at times, but with that said, it is really only as hard as we make it on ourselves. All we need, is a good recovery plan, stick with it, use all the tools we have to use, and have a HEART FELT determination that we want this crap out of our lives

I don't see that you started a journal yet, unless I just didn't see it.but if you haven't, I would suggest that you do, so you can share your journey with us, and we are able to help you more. try to come here as much as you can, so you can be getting the support and encouragement that we all need. Also, if you haven't done so yet, SA or SAA meeting are very helpful in our recovery

We are here for you my friend, you are never alone in this. I hope to see you soon, and if even I can do anything for you, please feel free to just let me know

We are so happy that you are home here with all of us at TTF

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[widowgirl]

Hi There

Welcome, and I'm so glad she is here too. All of us SO's know too well how your wife is feeling. The most beautiful woman in the world will feel fat and disgusting when confronted with a partner's PA. Give it some time; you're way ahead of the game in that you're both here together and learning about this stuff.

I found TFF after my husband died, but reading the posts here I finally learned that PA is a real addiction that hurts everyone. To know that the addict hurts too, was a big factor in bringing me peace- not in a vindictive sense, but because I always thought PA's didn't care about their partners. I was so, so, wrong. It changes everything. I pray for healing for you both too.

Well said, you hit the nail on the head. My dear wife has suffered and is suffering far more than I ever had as a result of my actions. She feels fat and disgusting, and alone. She does not believe me when I tell her that I love her and cherish her and think she's beautiful, and that she is my very best friend in the whole world. She doesn't know that I love making love to her more than I ever loved P..... because my selfish thoughtless actions speak otherwise. Thanks

[Disillusioned]

"...you hit the nail on the head. My dear wife has suffered and is suffering far more than I ever had as a result of my actions. She feels fat and disgusting, and alone. She does not believe me when I tell her that I love her and cherish her and think she's beautiful, and that she is my very best friend in the whole world. She doesn't know that I love making love to her more than I ever loved P..... because my selfish thoughtless actions speak otherwise. Thanks" quote from leadmehome.

My h said the same thing to me, and I couldn't believe it. He said I was his best friend and the most important relationshiip of his life.
I couldn't understand how this could be so, and couldn't not believe him and have peace between us. How could this be true, when I knew that for almost 40 years he got into p and other adult activies while away from me and Us, always looking at women who were so much more attractive than I have been on my best day, let along now, at 60 +. I know now it is true, but I had to learn for myself how this could be so. When he affirmed what I had read, I found the peace I needed and began to heal.
It was a nightmare up until that time. So hoping that learning helps you shorten the path, deal with the addiction, and go on with your life and loving your wife. God bless you in your journey.

[leadmehome]

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I am so glad that you are finding peace and healing. It is quite remarkable how powerful and affective your words are proving to be in our lives. I don't know you people, what you look like, or your real names, and yet I am finding greater understanding and compassion from y'all than from most people I've known forever. I am honored and blessed to be here amongst you. Whenever I'm feeling tempted or careless all I gotta do is show up here and read a few posts and it puts everything in perspective. I wish you all the very best and may God bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you and give you peace.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I am so glad that you are finding peace and healing. It is quite remarkable how powerful and affective your words are proving to be in our lives. I don't know you people, what you look like, or your real names, and yet I am finding greater understanding and compassion from y'all than from most people I've known forever. I am honored and blessed to be here amongst you.

This is why we love TTF. where else can you go on this earth, to get much needed support and encouragemnt from people, we will never see in real life.? No Where. In the past it was the power of the internet that allowed mose of us addicts to become deeper in our addiction. Now it is the power of the internet that is helping all of us addicts to get a new grip in life, and to find the true freedom from this addiction.

Just has you say you feel honored and blessed in being here, we all feel the same about you because you are here.

Good luck to you my friend

Gerald