Let's just imagine I have a good title.

[cwallenpoole]

So hi. My name is Chris. I have no idea what I am doing, but I do know that I need help. Even admitting that this is an addiction is, well, terrifying. But, I don't really think that there is any real denying it -- the articles I've read on addiction to p (? I believe that is what people are using as a short-hand) and, well, I fit all of the classic symtoms, I follow the same basic cycle that I've seen outlined a couple of places, and I seem to be unable to break the cycle for a long-term period... I might get a month or even two once a year (that happened two of the last three years), but normally I barely last two weeks. I suppose this is better than a couple of years ago, but I could still advance...

To make matters worse, I have bipolar (and recently needed to go through a med adjustment), and I am nearly completely socially isolated (I have my family, and that's it (but I know that this is a problem and I have a couple of steps I am going to take to remedy it)). Both of those make matters... worse.

Even worse still, I've found that I have difficulty with the standard software to help fight against this. My mom tried controlling access to the internet when I was in High School, and I learned a large number of trick back then, and now I'm a programmer, meaning I can break through most of the software without trying.

Oh, and this entire process terrifies me. I don't want to admit to this. I don't want to talk about this. (And I certainly don't want to talk to this to a person in real life (especially not my wife)) I want it to go away, but I suppose it isn't that simple. This makes me feel like such a miserable failure, but I suppose that is something someone who has this particular class of problem would feel.

So, I guess my question is, where do I go from here?

[JenMac]

Hi Cwallenpoole!
Welcome to TTF, finally!
You are here CW because you see a problem within yourself. That is the first step, in fact it may be step 2 or 3.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
Those are the first 3 steps. You are at Step 3.
CW, TTF is an awesome place to be when you recognize this problem. There is nothing better than the support and encouragement of people who know exactly what you are going through. Having people speak from their own experience will help you to set a gameplan for yourself.
I am sorry that you don't feel ready to share this but I know that by coming here and getting your thoughts and feelings out, it will help you tremendously with the feelings you are struggling with. We often do not feel safe sharing when we know people don't understand what we are going through.
CW, my H mac and I have been here for the past 21 months and we have learned so much in the process. TTF has been a true blessing to our healing and recovery. I am not sure where we would be without it. We have learned to talk and communicate about this in a way I would never have thought possible. I hope it will be the same for you! If or when you decide to share this with your wife, know that there are many couples here who are working through this together. Various stages of recovery are happening for each.
CW, there is a men's chat on most Monday evenings at 9 PM EST. Please feel welcome to attend. There is also a couples chat most Wednesday evenings if and when that applies.
Wishing you strength in recovery CW!
All the best!
Jenn

[SOHope]

Hi CW and welcome.
There is so much support and encouragement here and I am thrilled you have taken this huge step in getting your story out there.

I understand the computer programmer issue and have a suggestion. There is a program called eblaster that can be downloaded to your computer(s) and someone can track your online usage. Of course, this would mean someone like a sponsor or someone you could trust as an accountability partner. This is what is on my boyfriend's computer and it's worked well for us. I am the one who sees the reports though quite honestly I'd prefer him to get someone else to do so when he finds the appropriate person.

I look forward to hearing more about your journey and your story. You and your family are in my prayers.

[WayFarerNation]

Hi Chris. Something I notice about you from your introduction is that you are able to look at yourself honestly and are aware of some of your weaknesses. You also know what you are comfortable doing. I'll tell you that it makes it a hell of a lot easier to be open with people about fighting this addiction because it makes you feel accountable for following through in your commitment to be a better man. However, I've also seen how this stuff can destroy relationships from this forum. Many people go through hell and back, but I also think the likelihood of long term sobriety is increased substantially. It's tough to do this alone.

For now, maybe you can keep reflecting on yourself and asking yourself what could be driving you towards this behavior. Over time, you will find your personal answers, and if you stay committed and patient through the rough spots, you'll get through it. This takes a lot of time, and it also takes an ability to forgive yourself. This is something I've had to learn.

For me, it was a number of factors, like playing video games and not performing as I would have liked at work. I worked as an auditor for the Navy, and I didn't feel like I was being valued for doing the work that needed to be done. I stopped playing video games and left my job, and I've made a number of other changes in my life as well. For me, this behavior has its roots in all aspects of my life, and if I want to get rid of it, I have to take it seriously. I'm not saying you will have to quit your job to get over this addiction, as we all have our own personal answers we must discover for ourselves. Good luck.

[cwallenpoole]

So the next questions:

How to I bipass the destructive parts of the cycle?
Once I have noticed the indicators of downturn, how do I move backwards?
What am I supposed to do?

[JenMac]

So the next questions:

How to I bipass the destructive parts of the cycle?
Once I have noticed the indicators of downturn, how do I move backwards?
What am I supposed to do?

Hi CW,
Well I am no expert at all in this, but I believe you have to make plans for times like this. What can you do in an instance to keep yourself safe? If you notice yourself slipping, how can you change your mindset? What can you fill your time with that will give you a different focus?
Do you have a favourite passtime/hobby? What is your passion? Can you incorporate exercise? Do you need to step away from the computer for a time? Have you thought about what you have to be grateful for in your life? Have you shown that gratitude lately?
Fill your time with other worthwhile things CW! Fill yourself from inside out with the all the good things you have in your life, and if you are missing those things right now make it your business to find things you are grateful for!
It all starts with you CW. You will make a plan that works for you.
Wishing you all the best going forward! One step at a time!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Hi, Cw. Welcome to TTF. We are a diverse group of people, different ages, married, not married, not ever been married, but we all have one thing in common. Whether as SOs (our term for the spouses of a p addict) or PA (person who has identified in himself that he has a p addiction), we have all been hurt by this modern day plague. It starts out of curiosity usually...what a shock. Holy smoke,and more. Do people really do that? Oh, that's what that is. Then it gets to be a way of getting a little stimulation and filling up times when we are bored, alone, have a million things we must do, and then it gets accompanied by MB, and before very long, it is being used to mask us from the pain, disappointments, and realities of our own life.
I may be wrong, but I believe it comes from the way men are taught not to cry, not to share their feelings, not to appear emotional and soft. As a result, a man doesn't identify his own feelings and doesn't have much empathy for others. If you think of the faces of the actors in p, and you probably haven't been looking at that, you will see an emptiness in some, and pain in others. It would not feel good at all to do some of the things these young women do in P. The industry abuses its workers terribly. Exposing them to all sorts of stds, tears in their bodies, and having to numb their feelings while in the camera's eye and afterwards in their real lives. There are lots of early deaths and suicides in the workers in this industry. P is not good for anyone, except the p purveyors, and the profits to be made are so huge, that big business has invested in the production and promotion of this 'product.'
In spite of mounds of evidence, it is not recognized to be addictive in nature. There is no warning at the beginning of a p movie or a p website. Caution: the use of this product may result in addiction. There should be and it should be made to be recognized by every user before entering the site.
One thing we learn at TTF is to identify triggers, those things that make a PA want to use. Is it stress, loneliness, boredom, an empty house, depression, work, seeing images of n-de. or partially n-de in advertising everywhere. Pop ups from p sites seem to show up everywhere. Try looking at YouTube and an image of some scantily garbed woman will jump right up and catch your eye.
Are these images a problem? Do women in your workplace cause you to start to fantasize?
All of these are triggers, CW. Come up with something to do when each arises, so you can go to plan B, when before you would have used P. Sometimes it can be something physical, push ups, running, etc. Sometimes it can be, going to TTF and reading some of the info or catching up on a journal. Sometimes, it's calling a friend or relative just to say hi, and get your mind of what is beckoning you. Read through these journals and see what others have used.
My h shared with me and some of the others on here, that studies of habits we are trying to break have shown that if we can ignore the urge and distract ourselves for 20 mins., the urge usually lessens or goes away.
Sometimes you have to break a day into smaller segments. I feel I need to use. I am not going to use for an hour. After the hour, try another hour.
Understand you are in the process of re-booting your brain. It has changed because of p use. S-xu-al images and thoughts travel along the brain circuitry 2% faster than other images and ideas. This is why advertisers use s-x to sell everything. It will grab your attention and do so quickly.
Good luck in getting started and wanting to take the higher road in your life.