Fighting Defeat

[fightingdefeat]

Hey there,

This is a quick intro as I am trying to avoid computer usage these days... I am an 18 year old guy who has been struggling off and on with P for the past few years. A brief history of my addiction... I grew up in a wonderful family with loving parents. I am a Christian and God is fairly clear on the issue of lust... So although I deceived myself and have continued in this deplorable addiction, I know deeply within my being that it is something I truly want to beat... moreover, need to beat. As soon as I started I have always been attempting to stop. Initially it was out of curiosity, which really perpetuated it in the beginning -- and I delved into very mildly -- and then when I discovered MB it became a daily affair. This was all only image based.

During the first year I tried on numerous occasions to quit... even with decent success. I could easily go several weeks without P but would get curious and fall again. But then with new resolve, I would vow to quit within minutes after falling and go another several weeks without problems. Then it all changed when I upgraded my internet and could access videos... I started spending more time and weeks away became much more difficult. That "fix" became hard to quiet -- despite my reasoning, prayers, and resolve.

Then in this past year I lost a lot of interest, but still used P to MB once or twice a week... I still felt like an idiot and was so frustrated with this. Then around June I had an amazing experience with God and felt complete freedom for around five or six months. It was amazing how free I was. I felt so so so so so good. The freedom and victory and the feeling that I had finally overcome defeat was incredible. Then I moved several weeks back and feelings of loneliness set in. I knew I would be tempted and that I would confront triggers again in new ways. Yet, I underestimated it. Now these past two weeks I have been caught in the cycle again -- and before it gets out of hand or continues I want to kill it. Both on a spiritual level with God's help, and on a physical and biological level as well.

The main purpose in joining TTF is to journal and to learn more. I now see this addiction in new light and recognize it's power. I've always recognized its destructiveness, but somehow underestimated the difficulty in being 100% clean. I want to be clean. I want to get to the root causes in my life.

Along with receiving help and support, I hope and pray that I can be supportive and helpful to y'all in some way as well. I look forward to reading more on this site, learning more, and contributing as well.

Good luck and God bless each of you on your journey. Thanks!

(Oh, as I finish this I complete my first day clean, both from P and MB. In this past week I have messed up twice, once on Wednesday and then yesterday. Today has been a good day, 100% clean... no temptations even, which I gratefully accept.)

[no_excuses]

Hi there. I'm new here as well and just wanted to say I hear you and I wish you strength. I hate to see a young man have to go through something so difficult, but I'm proud of you for having the courage to realize what's right and work toward it. Never lose sight of what's important, not even for an instant. Best wishes.