new member

[kc290]

I am new to this but i have been looking into this information and am so glad i found this. We have been married six years and have been apparently fighting this for at least fve of them. I really thought my husband was mad at me, jelous,or that i really was just that ugly and awful to him. I found his postings online and confronted him about 3months ago. Then this month found he was online again.he is out of town for the next three months for wok, we have agreed that he will have my support for this time but he has to come up with a plan on how to manage this or he will not be returning. We have 2 kids and both work. I love him and understand that the man i fell in love with is in there, fighting an addiction that is overwhelmming. I quit smoking before we married and remember the lies i told and the times i sneaked a smoke. I remember well enoughhthat it wasnt a matter of loving my husband enough to quit. Everyday i want a cigarette, but i have been smoke free for 5 and 1/2 years. I really hope he wants too quit but i know i will make it if he doesn't. I really want to know if there is anything i can do to help him, and how i know that he is not turning back to the web sites? Is this addiction like smoking or like drugs what are the recovery/relapse rates. Is it a guarantee that this will get worse. Where does he go for treatment?

[JenMac]

I am new to this but i have been looking into this information and am so glad i found this. We have been married six years and have been apparently fighting this for at least fve of them. I really thought my husband was mad at me, jelous,or that i really was just that ugly and awful to him. I found his postings online and confronted him about 3months ago. Then this month found he was online again.he is out of town for the next three months for wok, we have agreed that he will have my support for this time but he has to come up with a plan on how to manage this or he will not be returning. We have 2 kids and both work. I love him and understand that the man i fell in love with is in there, fighting an addiction that is overwhelmming. I quit smoking before we married and remember the lies i told and the times i sneaked a smoke. I remember well enoughhthat it wasnt a matter of loving my husband enough to quit. Everyday i want a cigarette, but i have been smoke free for 5 and 1/2 years. I really hope he wants too quit but i know i will make it if he doesn't. I really want to know if there is anything i can do to help him, and how i know that he is not turning back to the web sites? Is this addiction like smoking or like drugs what are the recovery/relapse rates. Is it a guarantee that this will get worse. Where does he go for treatment?

Hi KC!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you found your way here to TTF!
I am sorry for the place you find yourself in. It is a sad and frightening place to be, but you are right, you will make it whether he does or not.
What can you do to help him? Hmmm. My first thought is, help yourself. By building your strength and making certain that you are putting your wellbeing and that of your children first and foremost, that will help him to recognize your strength and determination. After that, you need to determine your boundaries and express them clearly to your husband. Once I had done that the path was clear to me. Then it was up to my husband to show me what he was going to do to put this out of his life. My H sought out counselling and put filters on his computer. He chose to put P out of his life for good. His decision to save his life and marriage. I had the boundaries and expectations but it was up to him to show he was serious by deciding what he was going to do about it.
Mac and I use Convenant Eyes for accountability. All computer activity is sent to me in a weekly report. We have also used K9 which is free. Both are good.
I dont have any statistics to share with you, but I do believe that this gets worse with time. I also believe it takes a serious and strict committment to rid this from your life for good.
KC, I wish you all the best in healing from this trauma in your life. I hope you will find TTF to be the blessing in your life that it has been in mine. I am not sure where I would be without it. My H and I have been here for 21 months now and we are in a better place now than ever before in our marriage. I would not wish this on anyone, but I can honestly say now that I am grateful for all we have been through as it has awakened a beautiful bond between us. There is hope KC! I want you to know that! But it takes a committment from 2. I encourage you to share TTF with your H KC. There is much to learn here!
All the best!! May you find healing and support amongst the wise and caring people here!
Jenn

[comet]

Hi, my friend
You are the newest Jan 2012 member, welcome!
I am also sorry for that because if there is no P addiction, we don’t have to join TTF.
You said: “I really thought my husband was mad at me, jelous,or that i really was just that ugly and awful to him.”
After reading your post could I ask you:
Does your H eager to break the addiction?
Did your H know TTF? If he doesn’t know, he can join here. Here we can combat the addiction effectively and support each other.
You asked: “Is this addiction like smoking or like drugs what are the recovery/relapse rates? “ I think the answer is everyone can get the recovery.

For everyone who want to solve the P problem the first step is to understand it, I am reading a book called THE PORN TRAP, you can find the book in the resources area in TTF, there are also other good recourses there.
I also joint TTF recently, and I found I can’t give you’re the best answer, but there are many senior members who have experience and who are very kind, feel free to talk to them.

[kc290]

Thanks jenmac and comet. So far i have just been reading up on a lot of the info i find on the internet about this addiction. I have forwrded the info on this and another online support group to him. I am still in the beginning stage of this. I found out this week that he was back online and i had told him that this was it for us. I was going to let him leave and try to work out some sort of mediation agreement. It was important to me that we both agree on this for our kids. I explained that we would need to still get along.i really thought it was our marriage and me that were making him so angry and depressed. I told him we would divorce amicably and by mutual agreement.i basically was letting him go. He explained and told me that he had started going to counseling, that hehe had talked about this being an addiction. He told me that he was mad that i didnt trust him and so he went back to it to hurt me on purpose. After seeing that this is a common occuance in adults who had a destructive childhood,like he had. And hearing how badly he was hurting from this i decided to try to help and forgive him if i could. I dont know how much more of this i can take,or if i will survive more dishonesty but. I dont have to mke ny immediate decisions. I can only try to make decisions that will work for me and our children. I love the man i married, he was an amazing and wonderful partner and good parent. If i lose him to this it will be devestating,but i cant do the steps for him, and i cant take away the work he has to do. I am relly hoping he has the strenght to make it especially for him self. He deserves to be happy not tortured like he is now. I hope he finds this place.

[waterlily327]

Hi KC, I am glad you found TTF! As a fellow SO here, I understand some of the pain you are feeling right now. Each of our stories are different, but we are all here for the same reason: to get the negative effects of p*** out of our lives and our relationships.

KC, I suggest that you read through some of the articles here on TTF. I will provide the links to the resources for partners and PA’s here on TTF because they are safe trigger-free resources that educate about the negative effects of p*** addiction.

TTF community forums - Articles for partners
TTF community forums - PA Articles

I also suggest reading through some of the Recovery Journals and SO journals here. I learned a lot from both about the nature of this addiction. I also suggest starting your own journal here in the SO forum.

Take care of yourself, and make yourself and your children your number one priorities. By taking care of yourself, you will better be able to help your husband’s recovery. Good luck KC!