Can't do this alone.

[THDenver]

I'm at the end of my rope. This problem has been plaguing me for almost my entire life, and I don't want to die an old man looking back on a life of lies, and deceit. I'm sick of it, and I need help.

It all started when I was around seven. One of my Uncles had a subscription to Playboy, and anytime I'd go over to his house, my cousins and I would look through the Playboys. Eventually, as I got older I would request to sleep over at their house more and more so I could sneak into the garage and steal some of my Uncles dirty magazines. This stealing of pornography also occurred a local bookstores, and even at airports, and quite frankly I am amazed I was never caught. As I became a pre-teen I discovered the Playboy channel on cable. I would watch the scrambled image, since it was a pay channel, for a glimpse of a nipple. Eventually I befriended a neighbor whose Father had a subscription to the channel, and one day while they were out I broke into their house and took their cable box. I set it up at my house and recorded as much as I could of the channel before it was shut off by the cable company. Once again, not caught. Eventually I began ordering the channel from the cable company we subscribed too, and when I would be asked about it by my parents I would simply reply with a blank stare as if I had no idea what was going on. They put passwords and restrictions on the account, but I always found a way to get around them.

When I became a teenager Bulletin Boards systems were becoming popular. With a 2400K modem I could access a local bulletin board and download all the dirty pictures I wanted, and I did. I eventually even found a list of credit card numbers on one of the BBS and would use those to gain access to Adult pay boards, and phone sex lines. Once again, somehow I evaded being caught. It's funny, I look at all the times as a kid I committed a crime in order to access porn, and I wish I was caught. Something tells me if my parents knew what a problem this was becoming they would've done something about it. When I was in High School, the problem was still there, but now I had to compete with trying to actually worry about dating as well. I remembered going on dates with girls here and there, and being pre-occupied about whether or not it would turn into sex. I wasn't religious then, but I remembered actually praying to God that if he found me a girl to have sex with on a regular basis that I would stop the pornography and stop the masturbation. He answered my request as I ended up getting my girlfriend pregnant just after I graduated High School. This was my chance, I thought, to start over. I figured now that I have someone, I don't have to be alone. I don't have to seek sexual pleasure from digital media. And with the birth of my daughter I figured that was even more motivation not to objectify women by watching pornography. Unfortunately my fight was far from over. I took a job at a local video store when I was 19, and the first thing I started doing was taking home porn from the shop. It's not that I wasn't attracted to my girlfriend, now wife, but there was something about watching porn, a feeling it gave me, that I could not replicate with a person.

As I went into college things between my daughters mother and I went south, not necessarily because of the porn, she didn't know, but a variety of factors. Regardless it gave me the opportunity to start surfing what had now evolved into the internet to satisfy my porn addiction. And it's at this point it became worse. I lived alone for a year, and started browsing adds for escorts, and flirting with women on AOL. Eventually my addiction blossomed into bi-curiosity and on several occasions had encounters with other men. Quite frequently I would find that after these encounters my cravings for pornography and sex would dissapear, but only for a week at most. At the time I was also drinking heavily, it was college after all, and as my life sprialed out of control, my daughters Mom accepted me back into her life, and we began anew.

However, once again I couldn't control the cravings. I loved, and still love my wife more than anything. She's an amazing, loving, and absolutely gorgeous woman. But I just had no desire to have sex with her for many years in lieu of watching porn. At this point I was watching it at least three to four times a week and masturbating each time. Our relationship suffered as a result, and it wasn't until about three years after we got married that things changed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, we began to become more affectionate towards eachtoher, and were having sex on a regular basis. She was happy, and I was happy too, because I told myself that as long as my wife and I were having great sex, I could continue with my addiction. What made it so easy for me at that time was that my wife worked nights for many years, and several days of the week my daughter would be out of the house, so I would lose HOURS upon HOURS searching for and watching porn. Even having the best sex of my life, couldn't cure me of my addiction. I also around this time started having sex with escorts, and other men that I would find online, anything to get a fix you know. I even contracted genital warts, and gave my wife the HPV virus which caused a cervical cancer scare. She never found out why it all occurred.

I made a valiant attempt to desist a few years ago, and saw a therapist. All I wanted to do on that first session was talk, and for him to listen. Instead, in the first five minutes of my story, he began to try to sell me workbooks, and register me for a support group that came with weekly costs. It's not what I wanted, and definitely not what I needed. So I convinced myself I could quit without any support. And once again, I was wrong.

My health has been in decline over the last two years because of some issues with my colon, and I had to have most of it removed last October. I thought this was my chance, once again to quit. I'd have a week long hospital stay, followed by a few months of recovery, with an Ostomy bag sticking out of my stomach. I was ok, for the first few weeks, but once my wife would leave for school, I just got right back into the habit, moving my ostomy bag out of site when I watched porn so it wouldn't distract me. Just had my second surgery to remove the bag a few weeks ago, and once again I though another fresh start because my wife would be out of school for a few weeks and I wouldn't get a chance to browse the internet for porn. But then I realized I could get everything I wanted on my smartphone, and just duck into the bathroom for a few minutes without anyone knowing. As of the last week I've been up to watching porn and masturbating almost two to three times a day, despite the fact that I'm still not medically cleared for sexual activity, and despite the fact the I'm suffering from retrograde ejaculation from the surgery.

I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I want my to start living my life. I'm 34 now, and this all started when I was 7. Like I said, I don't want to look back on my life and see the double life I led, and the time I lost due to porn. I want to go to a support group, but I can't leave my house for awhile without being driven, and I need to do something now. I'm hoping I can get at least some help here. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and please share your thoughts with me. I need something.

[JenMac]

Hey THDenver!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you have found us!
You will find this place to be a supportive and encouraging place to be TH! You will find many wise and caring members here who have experienced similar things as you. That is an amazing thing TH! You will find comfort in that I am sure.
I encourage you to jump in with both feet here TH. Being here can help to propel you forward in your recovery. Use it to your advantage!
I also encourage you to give your wife reading material from this site if she is aware of your problem. There are many couples here who are working through this together and that is an awesome thing! Working through this together can take you to a better place in your relationship. I have been witness to that happening.
TH, there is a men's chat at 9 PM EST on Monday evenings, as well as a couple's chat at 8 PM on Wednesday evenings. Make sure to check it out.
Be sure to start a journal in the recovering journal section. Putting your thoughts down on paper can be so therapeutic for each of us.
Wishing you all the best on your path to recovery!
Visit often!
Jenn

[Rockinastorm]

Hi THDenver,

Welcome to TTF. You aren’t alone in this. If you are willing, the double-life doesn’t need to go on anymore. You have the power to take charge of yourself, and live the life as the man you are proud to be!
This addiction is a terrible thing that fosters secrets and infidelity, and you have seen first hand the pain and loneliness it brings.
You don’t need that crap in your life, none of us do. There are a lot of people here trying to free themselves from this junk. It’s not an easy fight, every day were subjected to hundreds of suggestive ads and media images, and even the people around us, who play up sexuality and pretend that this is not a problem.
But this is the type of crap that breaks people. We are not as strong as we appear to be. A little P here and there doesn’t seem so bad, and media loves to poke fun at it, but those people are living the same lie we were living once. I bet it didn’t really feel that good looking at those mags or stealing that cablebox when you were younger. It really is an addiction. It compels us to do horrible things that we would not do otherwise. We are battling our own form of insanity here, THDenver, and it’s the toughest thing I have ever done..
The good news is that we are not alone. There are many others here who are in different stages of recovery and who offer wonderful advice and support. Like Jenn said, there’s a guys chatgroup on Mondays at 9pm Eastern time, it’s a casual and welcoming environment and we have some great conversations! There is also the SO forums for our hurting loved ones. They are wonderful and they help us put things into perspective so that we can get a better sense of reality. Also setting up a journal like Jenn said is a great way for you to reflect on yourself and your journey, and it is coincidently a good medium for others to leave you advice and support when you need it.
Also there is a ton of general information on this site about different aspects of p- its influence on us, society, the truth behind the industry, and other things you might want to know. Finally, a lot of addicts participate in the sobriety challenges to make recovery seem a bit more fun.
OK, so I hpe I didn’t scare you with all of this. The truth is that admitting all of that stuff above is huge. Being able to face the past is a large part of moving forward!
Im glad you’re here with us. Keep up the good work!

Rockinastorm

[THDenver]

Thank you both a ton! You have made me feel very welcome and have given me hope! I knew I couldn't do this alone, and now I feel like I don't have to. I'm going to definitely set up a journal as I feel writing down my thoughts on my recovery every day will help a ton. Also, thank you for letting me know about the sobriety challenges, sometimes I tend to perform better when I'm competing against myself.

My wife still doesn't know about my addiction or the severity of it. I'm conflicted on two fronts, on one hand, she's my best friend and my closest ally, but on the other hand I know this would be devastating to her. We've been together for over half of our lives, and I know she'd put the blame on herself, and it would cause more damage than harm. That's the whole other side to this thing that's killing me. I know I can beat this, I know I can. But it's a victory I want to share with the most important person in my life. I at least feel like it'll be easier for me to share my addiction and recovery with her after all is said and done. But who knows for sure how she'll react.

Thank you again both of you for replying. Like I said, it's filled me with hope and given me a more positive outlook on this journey.

[dave42]

Hi THDenver:

I think you are very wise to write that you knew you couldn't do this along. We are all cheering you on. Before talking to your wife about it, you probably want to hang out here at TTF and read a lot and post a lot and get feedback. On the otherhand, the sooner you tell your wife, the sooner your double-life will become known -- this was a big relief for me. Also, the sooner your wife knows, the more support you'll have. I feel strongly that you are heading in the right direction by coming here and setting up a journal.

You are dealing with medical issues on top of the regular stress of everyday living and recovery. Please know that connecting the dots between the stressors in your life and your addiction is a helpful exercise. The other advice I'd offer is to keep coming back here even if you have a slip or a huge relapse. It took me many, many, many attempts before I got clean from p and other sexual addictions, and I'm well aware that all I have is a daily reprieve from my disease (sex addiction) based on my spiritual fitness (That language is from SAA, Sex Addicts Anonymous, which has helped me a lot). Good luck!

Warmly,

Dave

Good luck to you and your family.