Me is here

[Azokes]

Hello.

Well, where to start. I'm a guy age 31, and I'm going to quit using P. I had some kind of break down yesterday, and decided to call it quits. I've had a profile on this site before, maybe 3 years back. In the meantime I had a daughter plus the lady left me in events not related to P. She took the kid but lives not so far away, and I have time with my daughter alone every week. The lady has turned utterly impossible and refuses to talk about anything not directly connected to the kid (like how we feel, why she left, what went wrong. Well, that's life.

So, generally I'm okay but sometimes a little bummed out because of wrecked relationship. I have a lot of positive things in my life and lots to do. Not so many friends, or my friends are busy, but that can change. You know how it is when you come out of a relationship - suddenly you need your friends more.

I'm attending school, which means I have the rest of december off plus entire january, minus a couple of exams and papers. Which means I'll have LOTS of time to sit around at home and do nothing. Which translates into a high propability of diving into P. So I need to be in good shape.

I know something about my patterns: Like if I'm tired or stressed out I do it more often. And if I did it yesterday, the chances of doing it today are very high indeed.

Anyway, I decided to yank myself into shape on several accounts:
I'm going to pray (not religious) every morning when I wake up, and every evening before bed. I have this nice orange rug that I sit on. Also, I will do 15 minutes of workout every morning. I set the kitchen timer and it ticks down.
In the evening I'm not allowed to be online after 10. I switch off the network, and maybe I'll keep working on the computer on some papers for school, but otherwise I'll train myself to do other things. Like read or paint. I found all my paint that'd been locked away during the relationship. Painted a real angry red face the other day. Felt real good.

Right now my resolve is strong. I will work to keep it that way. Will consider doing a recovery journal. Right now I also have a paper diary and don't know if I wanna have both. Lot of work, lot of time thinking about what to say. Don't really want to spend that much time inside my heard, trying to sound clever to other people. Not part of plan.

That's all for now.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Azokes


Well let me welcome you here to TTF. I guess you have been here before, so maybe I should say welcome back


I will say I like that you already do have plans in how you are going to fight this addiction. I mean, wow, you already have plans in store for you to help you. That to me, is very encouraging


I guess the only thing I want to touch on here is this. You said:
“Right now my resolve is strong. I will work to keep it that way. Will consider doing a recovery journal. Right now I also have a paper diary and don't know if I wanna have both. Lot of work, lot of time thinking about what to say. Don't really want to spend that much time inside my heard, trying to sound clever to other people. Not part of plan.”


Though I am happy to see that you have what you call a paper diary, I do hope that you consider doing a journal here at TTF. The reason why is this. If all that you do is just writing in your home diary in what you are doing, or how you are doing, no one reads it but you. Yes it is good that you are the one reading it, but you are only doing it for personal reminders in how you are doing in your recovery. Therefore, there is no support or encouragement from anyone else.


Yet if you are to start a journal here, and share it with us, now we will be able to support you in what you are going through. And no matter what you write, or what you are going through, there will be someone here, who can identify with what you are going through. We want to help you. We want to give you as much support that we possibly can give. There is just no way, for any of us, to do this on our own. Together we will fight this addiction


You said that you don’t want to spend time trying to sound clever to other people. That is not what we are looking for. All we want, from anyone who does have a journal, is for them to be just them, and write from there hearts in how they are feeling, so we can help them.

And besides, if anyone of us was really that clever, then I think we all would have been clever enough, to not allow this addiction, to be a part of our lives.

So with that said, I do hope to see more of you here. But regardless in what you do, this is your recovery, and you need to do, what is best for you, and we do wish you the best in your recovery


Good luck to you

Gerald

[HopefulsRock]

Azokes... not sure who you were before but welcome back and I'm glad to here you haven't given up on yourself and being a better man! Gerald made an excellent point when he said this,

All we want, from anyone who does have a journal, is for them to be just them

Wow, how poignant because really that's all any of us can be... ourselves! That's one of the things I had a difficult time with was trying to always impress and please others by saying and acting a certain way and really not being myself. Nice to have an experienced man rejoin this fight as we all gain strength from each other.


Thanks Azokes and welcome again...

[lavsal]

Welcome. I too am new to this forum. About a week I think. So far its all going well. I don't miss the P really. I do like spending my time engaging in more constructive pursuits. Sounds great to start painting again. I am thinking of pursuing music again. About the journal... I've not started one yet but I may well do. The point about other people seeing what you write seems a very good one.

Sean

[2frustrated]

You really want to beat this addiction. I am certain that you will. Just remember that the desire doesn't just go away after a period of time. It is something you will have to be conscious of for the rest of your life. You can look at your journal here as just a regular update on how your recovery plan is working. You don't have to say anything amazing or ramble on about your subconscious. Just let us know how you're doing. At least try posting a few entries, then, if you find it's not helping, you can stop and post in the other forums instead.

It's great that you're painting. Hopefully that will take up a lot of your time over the next few weeks. If not, pick up another hobby: music, reading, writing, etc.

[Azokes]

I have this rule about not being online after 10, but tonight I'm breaking it to write this. Because rules are guidelines to live by, not self imposed straightjackets. And I think I need to write more than I need to have these thoughts inside me.

I'm not ready to have a journal. There's more to having a journal than getting feedback and reading how you felt in the past. There's also the obligation to keep it going. If someone replies, I feel like I have to reply. I've seen other journals where people write "what's going on, why aren't you posting?" I don't want those messages. Also I don't want to start something new and big because I'm currently unsure if it's right for me. I'll take my own advice: Do what feels right.

Right now I'm a little down. I had a talk on the phone with my x. She feels unsafe around me and doesn't really want to talk. However I'd had a few beer with some classmates and was in a mellow, forthcoming mood on the phone. I think it helped. 2 times she got real defensive and interrupted me, but I was able to resume the conversation and she was like "oh, I thought you were going to say something else". It's in her mind and I hope she realizes that. It was a good talk, all things considered.

The thing I'm down about is not being with my daughter. I was able to tell my x how fortunate she is to be with the kid, to share all those magic moments that I don't. I'm so down about that. My x opposes me being more with the daughter. Half of her reasons is about her being unsafe. The other half is "I heard someone say". She doesn't know what it's like when I'm alone with the kid. And she doesn't want to know any more, which means it's nearly impossible for me to improve on that situation. That brings me down.

I haven't used any P since my first post, which was a week ago. I think I've been in yellow zone a couple of times, but been able to withstand and pull away. You know what that means? I'm awesome.

Tomorrow I'm having some friend over. We're gonna have a good time. Looking forward.

Thanks for the posts.

[comet]

Hi Azokes！
You said you have kept sober for a week, which is really a victory. Small, but it is a victory!!!
“The thing I'm down about is not being with my daughter. I was able to tell my x how fortunate she is to be with the kid, to share all those magic moments that I don't. I'm so down about that. My x opposes me being more with the daughter. Half of her reasons are about her being unsafe. The other half is "I heard someone say". She doesn't know what it's like when I'm alone with the kid. And she doesn't want to know any more, which means it's nearly impossible for me to improve on that situation. That brings me down.”
There are always unpleasant things in our life. For me, those unpleasant things always lead to P, because I just can’t bear it and want to release, but P is not a relief. Some P addicts said they have some problems in their lives which contributes the P problem.
We can start little by little to solve the problems, because we have no choice, this is our lives. We have to improve them. “The Longest Journey Begins with a Single Step “your x said” being unsafe”, I think we can’t change other’s attitude, we can only change us. If someone said something bad, we can still choose our reaction, we can definitely choose our action. We can still be polite and kind to others, we can still help others, at first they may ask: “what is your purpose?” maybe after a while, they know our heart and they will not be mean to us. I am glad to meet you here, no need to reply.