introducing myself

[lavsal]

I am 43 and have been struggling most of my life... as long as I can remember really. So it was very helpful to see that there are other people like me in that respect. I have tried numerous time to kick the addiction but have always failed ultimately.. up until now that is. I do hate the addiction and I really do want to kick it now. The guilt and all the unpleasant emotions associated with P I really can live without. I think a lot of it is to do with the guilt, but also it has made me so self absorbed trying to figure out whats 'wrong' with me when I would rather be at ease with myself and my habits and have more time with my family.

My wife is away for a few days so I am somewhat in the danger zone. I stumbled across this site very late last night.. probably this morning in fact and signed up. Its reassuring in a way to know that many others too struggle in the same way that I do. Sometimes I want to come clean to my wife but I worry how that would make her feel, or maybe I worry what she would think of me. She really has no idea I am sure. Actually I think to come clean would be selfish.

I work in computing and I have come to hate my job.. perhaps that's partly because the internet is such a temptation for me. I really do sometimes think our lives would be better without computers. I'm torn... I am lucky to have a job yet I hate computers perhaps because I am fed up with solving the same old problems over and in slightly different ways... or perhaps I subconsciously have them because of the P that one can so easily find on them.

I think I am at a stage in my life where I am dissatisfied with things for number of reasons but I think the P has been with me for so long that getting to grips with that would be the single best thing I could do. You can't do everything at once right.. you do things in small steps. P makes me ultimately feel so negative about myself that I really am fed up... its got to change. Its like alcohol in the sense that it works for me like a depressant... yes you get your high, but then you feel bad. I often find it amazing that after MB, its like a switch has gone off in my head such that I can't understand why I was doing what I was a moment ago, along with the shame and revulsion.

I read something on this forum somewhere where someone talked about the 'cognitive dissonance' associated with P, because of his liberal views and then exploiting women by virtue of watching P. I totally understand that... its like you are two people... why would you do something that you hate or disapprove of? It certainly doesn't lead to a pleasant state of mind, thats for sure.

No, it all changes today... please help me group.

[ocja0201]

Welcome Lavsal,

You will find plenty of wisdom and support on these forums. That said the change ultimately must come from within, we can offer support, but when it comes down to it you must make the choice to not yield to temptation. When you are feeling tempted click on TTF instead of the alternative. As you have immersed yourself in P instead immerse yourself in this forum, posting in your own thread and those of others, it may seem odd but by helping others you end up helping yourself :) There are a few steps that may help you in your recovery as I know they have helped in mine.

1. Remove all temptation from your environment, that means all P and anything that could potentially trigger your addiction.
2. An active prayer life. It is much easier to make the right choice when you are at peace with yourself.
3. Get some sort of internet filter.
4. When you feel tempted tear yourself away from it quickly, do not terry. Get up and walk away from your computer etc. etc.
5. Others may not agree with this one but I find that it works for me and that is exercise hard exercise!

So again welcome to the best forum on the interwebz and I bid the a successful future here with us!

[JenMac]

Hi Lavsal!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you have found your way here! As Ocja tells you, there is much to be gained by being here. There is a wise and supportive membership that resides here.
Lavsal, my H mac and I have been here for about 20 months now and there has been a lot of healing and recovery that has happened during that time. While I would not wish this journey on anyone, we have now come to a place where we can say we are better off because of it.
Lavsal, noone can tell you whether to share this with your wife or not. That is truly up to you! I understand your concerns about what it would do to both her and your relationship. The only thing I would like you to consider is that you have a chance to be honest with her at this time. If you do not let her in and she finds out on her own, you will lose that chance forever. The other thing is that there are many couples here who are working through this together, and many are having success in part because of being here together. When you are able to work through this as a couple, it can truly bring you so much closer. That has been my experience anyway.
Whichever way you choose to go Lavsal, I am inspired by the fact that you are here of your own free will, before discovery, without being forced.
That really says something to me Lavsal! I wish you strength in your journey!
All the best!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Lavsal

I am so happy that you are here. no I am not happy that you are addicted to this crap, but I am happy, that you are wanting the help. The very first thing that we need to do, to have good recovery, is admitting to ourselves, that yes, we do have a problem. So, you as of right now, are on your way, to having a good recovery.

How good your recovery goes for you, is up to you. I say this, because as you already know, there is just no wishing this crap away, and out of our lives. But it requires work, and at times, very hard work, to be able to remain clean from this addiction. I feel that this recovery is only as hard, as we make it on ourselves.

If we are to have a good plan set out to follow, then it cam be a lot smoother for us, while we travel on this long bumpy road. If you dont know how to make a plan, or one does consist of, take a look again in what ocja suggested for you to do, as these are a good ideal to put in a plan. once you get your plan together with all of the tools that you need, then work them, and do so the best that you can. If you find that your plan just is not working the way you feel that it should, then change it, and do so, until you find that one, that works for you.

Please understand, that you are not alone in this, and you now have an army, of fellow addicts, who are by your side, to help you to fight this beast. At times, some things that are said, you may think that they sound harsh, but all we are trying to do, is to get you to understand in how to fight this addiction a little better. I can say, that there are not many here, who are willing to sugar coat this addiction. I know at times when I write in someone journal, after I send it, I wonder if I was a little to hard on that person, but it always ends up, that I will leave it the way I wrote it. You came here for help, and now you are on your way, in getting all of the help that you do need. we want nothing more, that seeing you free from this sick crap.

Now, I need to say this. Yes it is your choice to tell your wife or not. no one here will tell you what you need to do in this regard. BUT, and it is a bit BUT, you will come to see, that in order to be very successful in your recovery, there MUST be HONESTY in all things. but still this choice is totally up to you.

Some don't tell there wives at all
Some get some stable recovery time, then lets there wives know what they have done.
The dangers of not letting them know from you, and they find out on there own, will be total kaos in your family. even if you are months cleans, from this addiction, and they find out on there own, they will feel betrayed.

Wouldn't you want your wife to be honest with you in all things? Just think about it.

I do wish for the best, when it comes to your recovery. try to come here as much as you can, to read, or to post your feelings here. by you coming here more often, we will know how it is we can help you.

Again Welcome, and good luck my friend

Gerald

[Disillusioned]

Hi Lavsal,
Welcome to TTF, and I am happy that you came to this as a source of help. That fact that you came on your own says volumes about your personal integrity and motivation to rid yourselves of this. It is a modern plague, certainly. There is a men's chat group on Monday nights and a couple's chat group on Wed. nights. Either or both of these might benefit you.

Many of our men do not disclose to their wives and their wives discover this problem for themselves. The discovery causes such terrible shock and trauma to an unsuspecting spouse. Most women know something is terribly wrong, but they can and do struggle to find out the cause, and often are unsuccessful. When they do discover for themselves, it results in even worse trauma. Added to the shock and feelings of mental infidelity and feelings of physical and s-x-al inadequacy, are feelings of being stupid in that we trusted and didn't ever suspect our noble husbands could possibly be involved in such things. Depression usually follows, and the wives' reactions have been compared to those of post traumatic stress syndrome. Imagine if the situation was reversed, if you can.
Imagine how you might feel if you accidentally found out your wife was having virtual s-x on the internet with an unknown male.
Kind of discomforting, isn't it? I believe there may be some discussion about this in the general discussion area of this site.
I can assure you, you are not alone in your addiction. There are all sorts of people on this site who suffer the same way, people of all occupations, ages, and locations. One thing is true, if it were not for the easy availability and anonymity of the internet, many of our men would never have gotten into this or anything like it.
P is all lies. Our brains have been wired to receive s-x-al stimuli 20% faster than other stimuli, and advertisers and p promoters use this fact to sell everything from p, to aardvarks to zebras. Scantily dressed and lusting women are waiting everywhere wanting you, whoever you are, if you use this product, etc. All lies.
The industry profits are huge and even big business is involved. Everyone else involved are losers when it comes to p. It is a destroyer of soul, relationships, young people. It will suck the unsuspected in and pull with huge claws...and it wants to hold on.
It relies on the fact that we are born s-x-al beings and also must each deal with lust. We can feed lust or we can control it. P feeds it till it balloons and there is little of the good in the man left.
He is there, as you have seen, and he wants to follow a higher path. It can be done. It involves having an action plan like Oja mentioned. It involves examining yourself and when you are likely to be pulled in again. It involves having something else to substitute and use that will keep you busy while your brain is recovering from using p as a numbing tool to blunt your emotions.
Some of our fellows cry when P is withdrawn, as it is so strange to feel again, that it is overwhelming.
This can be beaten. At some point, your wife will probably have to know. When you decide is up to you. It helps to have a loving ally. Only you can predict how she will react and what you want to share. Many of our SOs agonize as the things our hs have been involved in 'trickle out.'
Good luck in taking the higher road, and I wish only success for you in your recovery. Again, I applaud the good man in you who wants so much to be free of this that he comes forward on his own, without pressure from a tortured So, to try to get rid of it in his life.
disillusioned

[stillinlove]

welcome lavsal,
sounds like you have been beaten into a state of reasonableness. and you are ready, willing and able.
The same way you wouldn't give into a child throwing a temper tantrum, do the same when your addict tries to
lure you back, if it does try at all, maybe you're at the place where you have silenced it for good.
I agree, come up with a plan of action, know what your triggers are and stay conscious and in the moment.

Although your wife may begin with not giving you the response you would like, I'd bet in a way she'd be relieved.
She probably knows something about you has changed (you didn't mention how long you are married), that she hadn't imagined it. That
you aren't the same man that she fell in love with.
Unless she is totally in her own world, she knows something is wrong, who knows, she may even know already and surprise you.
You don't need to just blurt it out, when you are together, let her know you need to talk to her about something and you need
her help with it. If your heart is open, she will understand the shame and guilt you have felt. Remind her not to take it personally,
and as others have mentioned have her join you in the couples chat and on the SO forum. There is plenty for her to read and yourself, for that matter.
Perhaps purchase a couple of books out on the subject and present it to her while you are having your talk. It is also good for you to read the
SO journals and postings to understand how she will feel and react. If you are a praying man, ask God, or whomever, to help you out with this
situation. There's another website, your brain on porn, and rebooting, that is also very good.
TTF is the first website I've found that is supportive, positive, and actually has recovery. None of that - 'it can't be done' attitude I hear from so many other places.
Start a journal and write your story so you see it in black and white. Although you may tell your wife abaout your porn addiction, there is no need to hurt her with details.
Atleast, that is how I feel about it, others may say full disclosure. To me it's like rubbing salt in the wound.
She also has her own issues to deal with from her past. The universe seems to put us together. You'll be amazed at how differently you perceive others, interact with others, and feel about yourself.
I wish you luck and pray that you stay with your recovery.

[lavsal]

Thank you everyone for such a kind welcome. This is the right thing to do and I will stick with it. I can feel how the addiction has changed my mind... and I want to change it back. Sometimes I think it has robbed me of my intellect and it probably has to some degree. We can either feed our minds and engage in constructive activities or we can give in to the addiction. I certainly am going to do the former. I have had self confidence issues throughout my whole life and I feel that P is a big part of the reason. I have even been to counseling on occasion but never have I admitted to anyone this addiction which is probably the root cause of most of my issues. I tell a lie, I did see an NLP practitioner a year or so ago and did mention something to him... but I didn't really explain the length of time I had had problems or how I thought it was kind of 'key' to my overall mental state. So in essence, I have known the truth all along.

I mentioned my wife was away for a few days.. so this is a danger period I guess. Well last night I did something constructive :-).. I started making some scenery for my sons model railway.. some buildings actually. Felt really good... I want to give my children the father they deserve. By kicking the addiction and doing more other stuff, I will be a better person and it will have a positive impact on my family.

[waterlily327]

Hi Lavsal, welcome to TTF (and sorry for my delay in welcoming you!). Everyone else has pretty much covered the important points here. Some tips that I can add/reiterate:

--Get rid of all your p***
--Read through the recovery journals
--Read through the SO journals (they will give you an idea of how this addiction makes us SO’s feel/react)
--Start your own journal
--Ask questions and be open to the answers
--Remember that every recovery is different, and there are many paths to success…you just need to keep moving forward!

My fiancé, Rockinastorm, opened up to me about his addiction. From what I have read, him telling me was a lot easier to deal with than stumbling across it on my own. It has not made our journey easy by any means, but him being honest with me saved our relationship. If he hadn’t been, and I had just stumbled across everything, I do not believe we would still be together. For us, honesty is vital as we are in a long-distance relationship at this time. Your relationship is not ours though, and only you can judge when telling your wife will be helpful. Just know that there is a wonderfully supportive SO community here that will support her recovery when that time comes. I also strongly recommend finding an accountability partner. Having someone help watch out for you will help keep you on track, and (when the time comes) putting that pressure on your wife will strain your relationship. Having a good support system for recovery, if that be here or in a 12 step group or in private recovery/therapy is going the strengthen your path. Good luck!!!