hello, every one!

[Disillusioned]

Thought I might go a bit further with help for you, Comet. There are 14 ways PAs commonly rationalize their use of p.
They were posted a while back and are said to originate with Dr. Patrick Carnes.

1. Global Thinking
This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever”. It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this”.

2. Rationalization
This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated”, or “You’re crazy”, or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem”. Rationalization is telling yourself Rational Lies.

3. Minimizing
This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little”, or “only once in a while”, or “it’s no big deal”, or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.

4. Comparison
This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”.

5. Uniqueness
This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different” or “I was hurt more” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy”. This one can also be considered Entitlement.

6. Distraction (Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction)
This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.

7. Avoiding by Omission
This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.

8. Blaming
This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job”, or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous”.

9. Intellectualizing
This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

10. Victim Mentality (Hopelessness/Helplessness)
This is where a person says, “I’m a victim”, or “I can’t help it”, or “There is nothing I can do to get better” or “I’m the worst”.

11. Manipulative behavior
This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.

12. Compartmentalizing
This is something that almost every addict does. This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jekyll and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”.

13. Crazymaking
This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception… we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

14. Seduction
This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.

[ocja0201]

9. Intellectualizing
This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

Boy am I ever guilty of this one....

[widowgirl]

Hi Comet, it is nice to have you here!

You touched my heart when you asked about the right attitude to porn. It can be so confusing to hear, from so many sources, that it is normal and good. Don't pay attention; your gut, and the testimony of the many folks here, say otherwise.

There are always going to be people who say that stuff to fit in, or to market things. Many- a whole lot of many- more feel differently, but they keep quiet. Societal attitudes kind of change like the wind; you're looking here, I think, at the start of a change in thinking about P. I find it funny that people so loudly condemn junk food addiction, Facebook addiction, gaming addiction, whatever, but porn, nobody wants to say it! People are weird. I'm glad you came here and hope we can all be of help.

[Teemo]

comet,

Welcome to TTF! I liked reading about your study of the problem, comparing different opinions of how harmful p is. I did that for years. I wanted to understand it. Sometimes I wanted to get rid of my problem, and sometimes I wanted to find an excuse for my problem. The truth is that you can find whatever you are looking for.

Here is what finally stopped my crazy thinking: I realized that no matter how much rationization I could find, I could never really believe that pornography was a good thing for the people I care about the most. I would never want my children or my siblings to be caught up in it as I was. Even though I could find lots of ways to excuse my own behavior, I didn't want others to go down the same road. I knew then that I had to find a way out of the mess I was stuck in.

You ask a lot of good questions about how sex and pornography are related. As addicts, we tend to get it all mixed up. We see our natural instincts leading us to p and m, and wonder if we are just "doing what is natural." All the messages we hear about personal freedom probably contribute to our confusion. Our sexuality is an important part of who we are, but in our entanglement with porn, along with other false and selfish endeavors, our sexual "needs" grow into something completely unnatural and unmanageable.

You can have a life without being stuck in this mess. It is a far better way to live. Be sure to build in lots of barriers between you and porn - filters, schedule changes, different living arrangements, whatever will support your commitment to change. I know that sharing this problem with someone face-to-face has been a great help for me. I need that accountability.

I hope to read more about your plan and your progress.


Teemo

[comet]

Hi Comet,

With a click of the mouse, you can see far more than this man ever imagined, and in the anonymity of your own house. You could have a willing partner any place, any time, and to suit your likes virtually. So, he and his fellows also promoted the idea that all men need diversity and that this is a harmless way to get it.
Much later, functional MRIs were invented. They found out that s-xu-l images travel 20% faster to the brain than others. Rats with electrodes wired to pleasure centers in the brain and attached to levers the rats could push, pushed the lever over and over and over again, reinforcing that pleasure pathway, increasing the need for the wonderful chemicals released during stimulation of the pleasure center till the rats were uninterested in anything else even food and a receptive female in the cage.
Hah! We now have p addiction.
Men believed the need for diversity, and all men do this, that they were entitled to do this because they were men. The women in the p sites never are tired from being up all night with a crying baby, they don't get bloating and menstrual discomfort, they don't appear to do laundry, cook, work outside of the p room or anything else, but appear hot and ready for any and every comer. So men began to experiment and sneak a look here and there. Soon that well developed pleasure pathway began to take over, so that even married men with really loving and supportive partners got hooked.
Hope that helped answer your questions.
disillusioned

Thank you, Disillusioned i agree with you.. p is now real. the opposite sex in p don't behave in a normal way. the world think men "deserve" p. but it is just a lie from p maker, and they still promote it! those days i thought about your posts many times. i think the biggest thing as you said is"the difference between P and Sex is that s-x should foster intimacy". in p there is no real intimacy, just abusing, and the woman was paid to pretend to like it even though she got so hurt and there were so many pains in front the brutality. they don't behave normally in p.
There is no love in p, just an abnormal lust, but s-x can contain love if it is between two lovers. and i think that is why people think s-x is wonderful. we can connect to others through normal s-x. but in p there is no connection, just physical things.

[comet]

comet,
Welcome to TTF! I liked reading about your study of the problem, comparing different opinions of how harmful p is. I did that for years. I wanted to understand it. Sometimes I wanted to get rid of my problem, and sometimes I wanted to find an excuse for my problem. The truth is that you can find whatever you are looking for.
Teemo

Thank you, Teem. i like what you have said. we can find whatever we want to. we can find many good reasons to convince me P is not so bad. so we really need to remember and stick to the truth. our culture told us many lies about P, but we need to have faith in the right.

[comet]

Thought I might go a bit further with help for you, Comet. There are 14 ways PAs commonly rationalize their use of p.
They were posted a while back and are said to originate with Dr. Patrick Carnes.

1. Global Thinking
This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever”. It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this”.

2. Rationalization
This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated”, or “You’re crazy”, or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem”. Rationalization is telling yourself Rational Lies.

3. Minimizing
This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little”, or “only once in a while”, or “it’s no big deal”, or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.

4. Comparison
This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”.

5. Uniqueness
This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different” or “I was hurt more” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy”. This one can also be considered Entitlement.

6. Distraction (Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction)
This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.

7. Avoiding by Omission
This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.

8. Blaming
This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job”, or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous”.

9. Intellectualizing
This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

10. Victim Mentality (Hopelessness/Helplessness)
This is where a person says, “I’m a victim”, or “I can’t help it”, or “There is nothing I can do to get better” or “I’m the worst”.

11. Manipulative behavior
This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.

12. Compartmentalizing
This is something that almost every addict does. This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jekyll and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”.

13. Crazymaking
This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception… we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

14. Seduction
This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.

there are all icebergs i need to be aware of. watch out!