Hello and my story

[BigEyes]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to introduce myself and tell my story. I think it might help the PA’s and the lurkers who don’t post.

Bear in mind that my opinions are just that, my opinion, and not meant to cause discomfort to anyone. Also, this story is very simplified.

I’m 51 and live in Southern Utah. I have been a PA for about 30 years. I was a PA before the internet…when it was more difficult to be an addict. I have known I was an addict for the past 20 years. I knew I was a PA because I tried to stop many times in the last 20 years. I knew that it wasn’t right to be addicted to something, especially this.

Five years ago I was working with a counselor for depression issues. During a session I brought up that I wanted to stop my PA addiction. With his help I was able to stay porn free for about 6 to 8 months. During that time I started an SAA program for our town. I also met my wife (Stillinlove) during that time. We got married but even before I was married I had a slip or two. 99.999% of the time I was porn free (sung to the tune of Born Free”) but still had problems.

I continued to slip and slide over the first 3 years of our marriage each year worse than the year before. During the last year I had a full blown relapse that lasted until D day. (D middle of the night in our case). During D day the shame and remorse for my actions were overwhelming. (Sound familiar?) I felt that I deserved those feeling and more.

The SAA program that I was involved in did not help me. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with the program (later I realized that I was the problem). The 12 step program never helped me despite all of the program work I did.

Three months after D-day my wife and I had a huge fight because I had slipped. Because of this fight I went out and looked at porn again.

Things went from bad to worse in our relationship due to my addiction. Our problems were compounded by my reactions to the shame based 12 step program of SAA. The shame I felt with the SAA program nearly did me in. I was no longer felt or acted like a man. I couldn’t be the man that my wife needed me to be. About a month after my second slip, we realized that we couldn’t go on that way anymore and we decided to divorce. We still loved each other, but found that we couldn’t stay married.

We had several weeks of going through the motions of divorce. My wife got to the point where she wouldn’t talk to me at all. All of this agony came to a head one day at work, when my wife decided we should reconcile. At the same time she gave me the keys to the kingdom. She gave me permission to look at porn. She wouldn’t stop me. Knock myself out. Go crazy. “If it is something you enjoy, then do it.” “I’ll still stay with you, because I love you.”

So I did, for about a week. Sometimes she would look over my shoulder. The good news is that this created a true bottom for me. It is difficult for me to explain what I felt or what happened, but looking at the porn this last time destroyed me as a man. I couldn’t talk to people right. I couldn’t deal with our female customers. I felt that everyone could see my shameful activities. When I was home I had continual severe panic attacks, and the most amazing waves of crushing guilt.

I also developed a bad case of ED. It took a couple of weeks after I stopped doing porn to overcome this problem and I still have “stage fright”. Talk about Karma. Do a search on porn related ED to learn more.

I couldn’t stand it any more. I had to stop the insanity.

I sat down with my wife and explained the problems and the fact that I had to quit doing porn. Period. We talked about my inability to use a 12 step program.

I decided to do what I did when I quit drinking and when I quit doing drugs (20+ years ago)…What I call the “Walk Away Method”. By walking away from the addiction the addict quits and never looks back. No regrets, no grieving, no shame. There are quite a few websites and a couple of books that go into detail about this idea if you’re interested.

So that is where I am at now. Six weeks since I walked away from porn. No regrets, no grieving, no desire. I’m glad to be free. I’m happier with almost no depression problems. I feel better around people. I relate better. I feel stronger emotionally. I feel like a man should feel. What a great feeling.

Well that’s my story and I'm stickin' to it.

[stillinlove]

Hi,
I told my husband I would post after he put his story un the forum, so here I am.
After reading it with him this AM, I mentioned to him how when sober awhile, there is a separation from the emotion.
Although as I read, I could picture the scenes, feel the emotions, and hear words that took place. Being between a rock and a hard place
hurt incredibly. The pain, as most SOs know, was unbearable, like a knife slitting my insides from my heart to my gut.

One minute I would stay, the next I was leving. When there is great love and friendship between spouses, it is a hard decision to make.
I didn't want to lose my best friend, but I wanted my husband back. Too many good qualities to lose. I was determined not to let this illness win.
Although I was angry, enraged really, I hada compassion for him and his addiction having been there, done that. I was angry at the lying and deceit.

Since he had been clean for awhile (I knew it was just a rest stop for him - I would tell him, after being in program for 30 yrs and sponsoring
many people, my instincts could tell immediately when someone was sincere or not, and he wasn't. He might have thought he was, but it was
so transparant), I told him once he went back out, it's never the same, it is much worse and you hit bottom alot faster.
I decided to bring up his bottom (in AA, atleast many moon's ago, we would read and talk about giving them the bottle to raise their bottom,
sink or swim). As he mentioned, I gave him full freedom, knowing I would go on with my life and healing, while he self-destructed.
In the meantime, I would pray, even yell at the God and the Universe that BE was wanting to walk away and have the same effect as the walking away from
other addictions. So why wasn't He taking care of of one of his sons? I actually did hear an answer not only for him but for myself as well. And it was a
good answer.
Sure enough, when a physical symptom sets in (ED), there is no denying it. we were able to have a true heart to heart talk. I could hear it and feel that BE was speaking the truth. He had already been reading up on ED and porn and found TTF. From that day forward, he stopped. We even stopped counting, since counting implied there was an end date and he no longer felt that way (there is a rumor going around, not just from other PA, but even therapists) that this is the hardest addiction to stop and people were doomed to relapse) (I said - Hog wash!!BS!! every addiction says the same thing and why not choose to be in the small percentage that recover and stay recovered?). It was over and done. I would tell him, all he had to do was look down and he would be reminded of his ED if ever a trigger tried to gain control. Every once in awhile, mostly for the benefit of others, we would calculate a timeframe.
We talk about it every day. Got involved with the couples' chat, and enjoy our relationship as two best friends that married.
He had already begun to understand me as a SO, and became compassionate to me when I had a couple of 'knee jerk' reactions in the beginning.

I am happy to have my husband back.

BE - I honor your space and your recovery. And that we have the willingness to do this together. And to respect our marriage vows.
I stay grounded by my own recovery and those here at TTF to help me be true to myself.
Love you!!

[Devastated2]

Welcome to TTF BigEyes and thank you for sharing your story. It has great that you have chosen to join stilinlove here. I think you will find everyone to be very supportive. As someone surrounded by addiction my whole life (many family members) I have always said 12 step programs are not for everyone and do not work for everyone. They are wonderful for those who feel it works for them but not for everyone. People need to find the tools in recovery that work for them and for everyone that will be different.
Best wishes for your continued recovery!

[JenMac]

Thanks for sharing your story Bigeyes!
I am so happy that you guys found your way here! I think it is wonderful when couples can work through this together with a common plan.
I agree with D2! Use whatever works for you! There is not just one way to get past this. You seem to be finding your way! Stay the course!
All the best!
Jenn

[JanJ]

Big Eyes. It's a bit trite, but what works for you, is the way to go. If you are familiar with Fletcher's book, Sober for Life,
a number of her recovered 'subjects' walked away, as you describe.

As far as SAA goes, I'm finding it of use, but I hear your complaint. I think there is much variation
among groups within SAA, not to say, among individuals. But indeed the element of shame
is doubled edged. 1) It certainly can be of use, in that talking, esp. among those with like
afflictions, helps take away shame. In your case, esp. a 'serious relapse' with lots of
shame and self hatred is hardly an unfamiliar story; you could well hear it from another,
and then you'd know he or she was NOT judging you, or encouraging harmful forms
of shame, but likely the the alternative of forgiving oneself. 2) OTOH, shame, if it eats you up and takes away
your motivation, is the opposite of useful.

SAA, like AA, *in theory* promotes one's moving forward: The emphasis is on today;
you cannot change yesterday. The feeling you have about yesterday should subside
if you forgive yourself and concretely do things differently today, including making amends,
treating people right, etc. Indeed, your post shows evidence of this. Since your new
approach and with your wife's support, you are moving past 'stuck' both in yourself
and in respect to her.

Your wife's support seems vital, and I thank her for posting as well.

Lastly, I would say. Keep current and don't expect perfection. I presume your
wife wants you to be honest, not perfect. The same standard would apply for you, to
yourself.

[Rockinastorm]

Hi BigEyes and Stillinlove!
It was nice to meet you the other night in the couples chat. I am glad you are both here and working through this together. I hope that this site helps both of you find what you need.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey BigEyes... thanks for sharing your story and welcome. I can read the strength and confidence you have between the lines of your post and having your partner share right after just shows me where a lot of that strength comes from. You two have a good thing going and it's nice to have the support of another couple in this journey.

I feel better around people. I relate better. I feel stronger emotionally. I feel like a man should feel. What a great feeling.

...I like this and thought I'd quote it again just because as us PA's we try to become better men it's nice to have these reminders.