last straw

[davidswan]

I am a 33 year old PA. I found this site through Curethecraving.com. Last night was the last straw for my SO. She had come home from a 12 hour shift to find that there was P in the history on the laptop. She has caught me many times in the past and at first I didn't believe it was a big deal. She expressed her disgust for P and let me know how it made her feel when I looked at P. She had found P on the laptop about 3 years ago and told me she would divorce me if this behavior continued so I went to a life coach for some help. This seemed to work for about 6 months. I was aware of my triggers and making a conscience effort to avoid them. then i relapsed. I was watching P regularly until about a month ago when i got sick to my stomach after watching P and MB. I tried just MB without P and was still getting this sick feeling. Then I prayed for help. For some reason I feel that getting caught this last time was what I was asking for. I realize that i have been fighting this addiction by myself and it is not working. I was too ashamed to ask my SO for help for fear she would not and just leave me. Now I feel as if this time IS different because when she confronted me I didn't try to deny or make excuses. I admitted what had been going on. I finally realized that she is serious about leaving me. I hope it is not too late to save our marriage. How do I get her to participate in my recovery?

[widowgirl]

Hi davidswan

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm only now learning what a painful thing this is for the P addict.

As a former SO (now widowed) I've been where she is, working long hours to support the two of us, and coming home to that. I'd guess she is hurting like a wounded animal hurts, and, sorry to say, she probably wants to lash out right now,(I used to threaten to leave, or sleep with other men- never did either but just wanted my husband to hurt that much) She will need time, and proof that you are serious this time and will fight for her. This stuff brings up incredible pain and self-doubt in us.

Don't push her for now; start your recovery work and let her see the evidence. I bet she will come around in time. I hope she comes here too; I'm glad I did. And above all, keep the honest communication going. Tell her what you just told us, including the part about wanting to ask her for help and being ashamed to. It would have helped me a lot to be told something like that, and to know that it's a difficult addiction, rather than some shortcoming on the spouse's part.

Blessings and prayers for the two of you
Widowgirl

[davidswan]

thank you for your post Widowgirl. For now I am seeking personal coaching from Tony Litster. We had a short talk yesterday. Learning about the problem from the phsyical side explained why I was getting sick. i am finding it really hard to deal with this and still be a productive employee. I have been completely honest with my boss and co-workers about my situation. I have nothing to hide anymore. I am greatful for their support, but am still yearning for the support of my SO....PATIENCE....

[JenMac]

HI David!
Welcome to TTF! I am so glad that you found us! There are many wise and wonderful people here who will help to guide and support you on your way to recovery.
David, I am an SO (significant other) here. I understand what your wife is feeling through all of this, as I have felt this way about P since my teen years. I feel saddened that it takes such extremes to get our H's to understand what we are feeling, how this is affecting our wellbeing and self esteem. I am sorry it takes these extremes to get our H's to seek out help for this in their lives.
However, it seems to be that way quite often. It seems to take a huge awakening for many men to get to this point. Once this awakening has happened there will be a lot of factors that will have to be considered to get things back on an even keel. And it won't be easy. My H and I have found this to be the most difficult thing we have faced in our long marriage. It has brought us to our knees and back again. We have been here a long time, but with committment and hard work, we have come to a better place. Thankfully.
David, you can't force her to participate in your recovery. She has to make that choice. All you can do is to show her you are serious in your committment to rid this from your life. Actions by you are the only things that will do that David. By joining here you have started that process. Other actions can include putting filters on your computer, being honest and forthright about what you are feeling, sharing what you are learning here etc. By introducing her to TTF, you will hopefully give her a glimpse at a resource for her own healing. I have found it to be a blessing in my life. I know she would too.
David I wish you all the best as you move forward. Keep coming back! There is much to learn here.
Jenn

[davidswan]

My So agreed to a conference call with Tony today. He basically explained to her the physical side of my addiction and mediated our dialog. We started by saying something we admired about each other. "I admire your loyality to me and our family". Then she would repeat it back. "Because it means to me that you will always be dedicated to caring for our family". She likes my happy personallity and that i try to make everyone around me happy too! Then we talked about how she felt as if I was not "present" when I interact with the children. She has mentioned to me before how she felt like her father never wanted to have children, that he was not "present" as she was groing up. The difference this time was that Tony was coaching the dialog and having me repeat her words back to her. And here I am now writing it down! Then he suggested that she decide on an action for me to take in the next 24 hours to show I am trying to change. She wanted me to come over to the house and play with the kids for 1 hour. I could not pass up the chance to hang out with my kids since she has asked me to leave. Although we spent the better part of 3 hours together I found myself fighting to be "present". We had just had the call with Tony 2 hours before, and my head was filled with everything that is going on. The kids and I went for a short walk for some fresh air and leaf collecting which seemed to ground me for a while. I cooked dinner (tomato soup and grilled cheese!) and bathed them. My SO came home and it was time to leave. She gave me a warm hug and I left....HOPE...

[widowgirl]

That is a start and she is receptive. So happy!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hi davidswan

Welcome, to TTF

You know, I am glad that you are here. I'm not happy that you are an addict, but I am happy, that you want help with this addiction. keep coming here, and you will get all the help that you want, and need. and you will see, we do want to help you.

The one thing that we never thought would happen with this addiction, is that it would destroy our wives/So's. To be honest, I thought, that if I ever did get caught, she would be a little bit mad, and just tell me, to never do it again. Man was I wrong. It destroyed her, it destroyed what we had together as a couple, and our relationship, may still not be able to survive this pain, I brought into the relationship. there is no guarantee that any relationship, can survive this addiction.

I have been clean for one year, and still my SO and I, have not made any progress in fixing our relationship. I am trying, and I am doing all that I can to show her I love her, and how sorry I am, for doing this to us. but to be honest, I feel that she can not deal with all of this, and in her heart, we are through, and no longer a couple. I don't want to see this happen to you. I want to see you, working your butt off, to remain free from this crap. I want to see you, doing what you can, to support your wife, in all the pain that she is going through

You seem to already know what your triggers are, so please make sure now, to find a way, to deal with the triggers, when they do come up. if we have temptation, and we just sit there trying to figure out what we should do, then it is already to late. we need to act on that temptation, the very second we get it.

You was clean from this for 6 months and then for whatever reason, you gave into it, and started using again. I think, you need to try to see, what it was that happened, that allowed yourself, to give in to this crap again, so you can try, to not let it happen again. This is a hard battle to fight, but, if you motivation in your heart is strong enough, then you will be able to do this. the good thing is, that this time around, you are not alone in this battle. you have fellow soldiers, on the front line, willing, to fight this battle with you. We can not fight it for you, but we sure in the hell, can stand by your side, and help you the best that we can

Now is the time for you to get started. make yourself, a better person, for you, and in time, your wife will see how you are changing. maybe in time, when she sees that you are doing well in your recovery, maybe, just maybe, she might decide to come here, to get help for her.

In the mean time, work your recovery, and do what you can, to support her in her struggles. she is hurting inside, and may be hurting a lot more, than she is telling you about. she does not deserve this in her life. ans she did not ask for it either, but us addicts, choose to bring it into our homes, and we ended up, hurting so many more, than just ourselves.

Good luck to you. we are here for you.

I hope I made a little sense. I have a headache, that is just killing me right now, and It is hard for me to concentrate in what I am wanting to say


Again, welcome, and good luck

Gerald

[waterlily327]

Hi David & welcome to TTF! I am glad you found our site, it has provided support for so many PA’s and SO’s. This recovery will take time, and you will need to be vigilant to succeed. I suggest starting a journal and installing an internet filter. Open and honest communication are a must…secrets are essentially poison, especially at this phase when your SO’s trust has been so damaged.

You asked how to get your SO to be involved in your recovery. I would like to point out, as an SO myself, that there is a significant recovery period that your wife will have to go through herself. For many couples, joining TTF together has been beneficial for both parties. My fiancé (Rockinastorm) is here too, and TTF has really helped our recovery as a couple. We also put a internet filter on his computer and I have the password, which provides me a sense of security and helps him stay away from p***. David, just remember that you need to support her recovery just as you hope she will support yours!

Good luck David! You have a long road ahead of you, but it will be worth it! There are so many here who are enjoying a successful recovery. Use your resources and educate yourself.

[davidswan]

Thank you all for your concern and words of encoragement. I have started a journal and will not be posting on this thread any more.