Widow of a PA

[widowgirl]

Hi All

I'm glad I found this site; just wish I had done so years ago, but then, the problem wasn't even named.

My husband was hooked on P, and it came to replace me entirely. When confronted, he always admitted it was a breach of trust and promised not to do it again. Either he was powerless over it, or he was lying, because I'd find it on the computer. In later years, the excuse was that his failing health prevented him from making love and it was an outlet for his pent-up desire (for me, so he claimed). He was indeed very ill, but the Internet came into our house around the same time, so I'll never know the truth about that.

Like many of you SO's here, I was willing to do anything to keep our love life- get dressed up, surgically altered, role-play, whatever, but he didn't want his sweet little angel sullied by those things. Apparently using P behind my back, was more exciting to him. Our marriage was otherwise such a happy one, but that P made a cancer worse than the one that destroyed his body.

He died recently. I have forgiven him, as a Christian should, and was doing OK, but lately I'm consumed by anger, feelings of inadequacy as a woman, and worst of all, doubt that he ever really loved or desired me. It is spoiling my memory of this man whom I know loved me deeply, and will warp any relationship I have in the future. I've come here in such a moment of complete despair, and have already learned that it's an addiction that had nothing to do with me. Now I just have to make myself believe it That's really really hard. I hope you all don't mind me asking lots of questions; I've got lots to learn. Thanks! Widowgirl

[life-cubed]

So sorry to read about yours and your husband's struggles. I can only guess your poor husband was just too addicted to the various 'rushes' one gets before during and after PMO.

It is not a reflection on you at all, though, I can promise you that.

[Disillusioned]

[h=2]Facing the Fire of a Husband’s Porn Addiction[/h] Tears. Every day. They saturated my pillows. George didn’t know I cried myself to sleep every night. He didn’t know I imagined those women all day and night, even in my dreams. He didn’t know the torment I went through because telling him only made it worse. So I suffered alone and grew more depressed by the day.
His porn struggle killed me. It absolutely burned me to ashes. But I am so thankful for the burning. I am so thankful that part of me has died. I am so thankful for George’s porn addiction. Yes, of course I wish it never happened. I wish for no sin in our lives, but the truth is, it looms. And because of George’s sin I have been transformed.
A big part of my healing was that I had to learn to see my suffering as something to embrace, instead of something to get rid of in the blink of an eye. The suffering is what changed me…when I stopped running.
I sort of liken it to a fire. Fires hurt, right? Of course. No one wants to be burned. But we need to be. In this world we are so accustomed to creating these “false selves.” We create a version of us that we want to be, but it’s not who we are. So we try to live up to this false self our entire lives. We don’t even know who we are anymore. So, God takes us through the fire. He allows us to be burned because he loves us too much to see our true selves weighed down by lies and masks.
It hurts IMMENSELY. But as each layer is burned off another layer of our masks will turn to ashes. Over time, it hurts less and less. Until finally, every layer is burned away and there it is…your true self, underneath all the layers, it’s so absolutely blindingly beautiful and bright and humble that the flames cannot even match it. The flames aren’t hot to burn you anymore. And your true self, that beautiful self underneath the layers of masks, becomes its own flame. It is so bright and powerful that the beauty of your own flame will then work to burn the layers off other people. And so on and so on.
It’s horribly painful. Horribly. You literally have to die to yourself. Old Ashley was horribly bitter, insecure, impatient, negative, self-centered, and not exactly the most enjoyable person to be around. That Ashley is fading as I stand in the fire, as uncomfortable as it is, and allow God’s light to burn off my masks. I’m still burning.
Those negative thoughts you dwell on may always plague you, but you don’t have to give into them. Just as a man who is recovering from lust must take his thoughts captive to Christ, so must you. Every instance you want to dwell on an image of a woman (covetousness) or a thought of what he did to you (self-centeredness and self-pity), give the thought to Christ, tell the thought it has no place in your mind, and worship God with all that you are, leaving no room for lies.
The more layers you burn off, the less these things will even come to your mind. You’ll be concerned with other things so much more that you just won’t think about it. But for now, it takes dedication, perseverance, and faithfulness. You have to stop these thoughts when they come up, instead of dwelling in them. It’s so easy to dwell and be in a state of self-pity, but it’s going to kill you. Instead of conversing and consenting to negative thoughts, keep them away from your mind and heart. When you are tempted, flee. You must embrace the pain and allow yourself to go through the flames. God is teaching you to not rely on your beauty. Your reliance on physical beauty is one of the many layers keeping you from being who your are. It’s keeping your flame dim. He wants you to look at Him and worship His beauty. It’s only through His beauty that any of us are beautiful anyway. Seek His beauty and allow your flame to grow bright.

. . . .

[Disillusioned]

Hi P Widow,<br>Welcome to TTF.&nbsp; Please accept my sincere sympathy for your recent loss.&nbsp; The fact that he embraced his addiction till the end of his life, and never recovered has to make his passing even more difficult for you.&nbsp; I can see how you asked yourself, "Was I ever really loved?&nbsp; Desired?"<br><br>The answer is that compared to the women available in p, your real life offerings of self, of love, of desire, of wanting him and only him, was not enough to pull him for the pictures and images of actresses playing the parts of desire starved women willing to do anything in order to try to satisfy their desire.&nbsp; They were available 24-7, and always willing and hungry.&nbsp; Compare that to all you have to offer...real love, real feelings, real emotions while sandwiched in among the duties that most women must do, working, taking care of kids, keeping house, doing laundry, paying bills, shopping, taking care of kids or parents when they are ill, have a menstrual cycle to work around, personal illness or colds.&nbsp; Now, really, who could prefer the real thing who has all these pots on the fire that must be tended to the constant readiness of the p sirens, who have help with make-up, lighting, camera angles, drugs, hair falls, etc.&nbsp; Just no comparison.<br><br>No, the addiction is not your fault.&nbsp; It is used by the addicted to avoid participation in the real world of disappointments, <br>pain, rejection, job stress, social anxiety, self-examination, home maintenance, car maintenance.&nbsp; It's just so easy to get lost in a fantasy world where the things the rest of us deal with on a daily basis don't exist and cannot bother you or distract you.&nbsp; His addiction is not about something you lack, or something you didn't know how to do.&nbsp; It is just escapism and the chemicals elicited by his activities on line made him feel good, sated, and relaxed.<br><br>If he loved you at one time and desired you at one time, it doesn't mean he didn't at the end.&nbsp; It's just that he found something more readily available than you were.&nbsp; He never gave a thought to the fact that these p actresses were just working and making money by selling their own ability to be intimate, truly intimate.&nbsp; They had houses or apartments to clean, prescriptions to get, laundry to do, sometimes kids or studying to do, but none of this is featured on a p site.&nbsp; All that is shown on there are body parts, and gymnastics, and women who pretend to be always hungry and needy.<br><br>PLease, try to remember the good things about your h while he was not addicted.&nbsp; That is who he truly was.&nbsp; The latter years when he was lost in addiction, do not count, as he wasn't present in your or his real life.&nbsp; <br><br>Do your best to take care of yourself, now that he is gone. Even though he never recovered, you have suffered a trauma at a very personal level, and must understand that now you need to recover.&nbsp; The sufferings and shock of an SO's ordeal has been likened to post traumatic stress syndrome, and it is real, and must need addressed in order for you to recover and go on with your life.<br><br>Best wishes to you as you deal with the grief of losing a husband and the grief of never having resolved this modern plague and eradicating it from your marriage as a unified force.<br><br>God bless you every day as you begin to let light, happiness and sun back into your own life.<br>disillusioned

[JenMac]

Hello Widowgirl, welcome to TTF!
I am so glad that you found us. I am so sorry for your loss. The grief you are experiencing is two fold Widow. The loss of your H in life and death. Very tragic.
Widow, the anger and feelings you are experiencing at this time must be overwhelming. They are however, perfectly natural for all you have been through. No longer having our Hs in our lives, through either death or divorce, will not solve those feelings of grief for us. Only time and hard work will do that. Coming here will hopefully give you a space to get those feelings out in the open. I have found that to be very healing for me in the time that I have been here. Having others to share with that truly understand what you are going through is a blessing Widow. I know you will find it that way too.
Widow, TTF has been a Godsend to me in my time here. I hope you will discover what you need here to bring you back to a peaceful life. Just knowing we are not alone can do wonders for our wellbeing.
Here is an article that you may find helps describe what you are feeling:

Trauma to SOs

Be well Widow.

Jenn

[widowgirl]

Thank you all so much. It is so good to be among folks who are going through the same thing. I like the analogy of the fires burning off the layers; this time it must be a really thick one, but I will hold on with God's help and yours!

[ocja0201]

I had to learn to see my suffering as something to embrace, instead of something to get rid of in the blink of an eye. The suffering is what changed me…when I stopped running.

There is an unbelievable amount of wisdom in this statement, suffering is not a great curse but rather a great opportunity. If the world at large were to recognize this as the axiom that it is we would live in a much more humane and empathetic world. I know that in my own life every time I ran away from my problems they simply got worse, my character flaws becoming even more flawed. Only when I stopped, turned, planted, and faced my problems head on was I able to make any gains against my insecurities. Thank you Disillusioned this was an amazing post, probably the best one I have read so far.

[widowgirl]

Wise words. Thanks!

[widowgirl]

Today I change my status picture to "Innocent" to help remind me that I wasn't the cause of hubby's P problem. My own healing up, though, is mine to deal with! Thanks again. I hope I can be of help here too.

[waterlily327]

Hi Widowgirl and welcome to TTF. First, I want to extend my sympathy for the loss of your husband. I am very glad you have come to TTF, because the trauma an SO faces dealing with this addiction is deep rooted. That link Jenn sent you was one of the reasons I decided posting on TTF was right for me…I connected with so many of those points, and the support of the other SO’s here was such a life-saver when I needed the support. Starting a journal is a great way to share your experiences. I strongly suggest reading through both the PA and the SO journals, as both provide insight into the nature of this addiction.

Your recovery will take time. Being here is such a great support system for many, and I have heard so many incredibly stories here! I you start a journal soon so we can follow your recovery!