Widow of a PA

[widowgirl]

Thank you waterlily!

It is nice to be here. I feel safe, and in good company. Yes I have been reading that link again and it's very good. So glad to see this issue is coming out of the woodwork at last. When I met my husband, many years ago, I thought I was supposed to accept those magazines as something every young man kept around. To be welcomed by this community is an unbelievable blessing.

I was wondering about the journal thing. Do most people here keep one? I've never had one, except for a diary I once kept as a little kid. :) If it is a helpful thing, I will try and start one.

[waterlily327]

I would suggest reading through some of the Journals for SO's or Recovery Journals. They are pretty similar to the thread you have going on here, it is just an easier way to follow how you are doing becasue more people check the journal sections than the new member's welcome. (Or, maybe I shouldnt' say more people check it, it is just more consistant in the journal section!)

For most people here, their journal becomes their sounding boards, people respond with idea and thoughts, but mainly it is a safe place to write your thoughts and feelings. I also have a private, paper journal that I write it, but I have found that having feedback from others sharing a similar experience to be more helpful than anything else. I strongly suggest that you start a journal becasue for me, it has been really helpful! Everyone's recovery is different, but it is at least worth giving it a shot!

[Isaac]

Hi Widowgirl. I'm sorry about you losing your h to cancer - I lost my w to the same disease four years ago. I hear you, about your anger beginning to surface, and want you to know I totally support you letting it out and processing it. The impact this behavior has on spouses/domestic partners/so's is sometimes overlooked and almost always minimized, and i'm sure only completely understood by other so's who have been through experiences similar to yours.

I just wanted to acknowledge your pain, as well as the frustration you feel in knowing you won't be able to learn what was true and what wasn't about the reasons for your late h's behavior. What others have suggested already, of course, and what you know in your head, is that it wasn't your fault. There is nothing you could have done to change the choices he made. I'm happy you have found this community where you can get support to heal from the damage that's resulted from you h's use of p.

I'm well aware that the seeds of my struggle with p came long before I even met my w, and I'm guessing that was true of your h as well. If I had been in a healthy enough place to be able to see the pain, insecurity, suffering and heartache my struggle with p was causing my w, I can't imagine I would have been able to continue. Not getting the impact the behavior has on one's so, is no small part of the hideousness of the issue.

I feel incredibly fortunate to have been in a period of sobriety for almost the last ten years before she passed, but still struggle with guilt about the pain I caused her when I was acting out and betrayed her by having a relationship with p. She's been gone physically for almost four years now, and several months ago I relapsed, and am just now reclaiming my sobriety. One of my excuses for my relapse was that I would no longer be betraying her. What I chose not to see was my betrayal of myself when I re-established my illegitimate relationship with p, as well as the total lack of respect for all women - including my two adolescent daughters - that is undeniably connected with the use of p.

I'm so glad you've found this community, I hope you will continue posting, and I wish you well in your healing!

Isaac

[widowgirl]

Thank you so much Isaac, and I am sorry also for your loss and hope you are healing too. It takes incredible courage to post the things you and the others are teaching me about, and you have my gratitude. It has helped more than you know. I hope you keep posting, and healing too!