New to the forum, not new to this issue unfortunately...

[raining on the inside]

Hello to everyone out there. I've been reading post after post for the last week or so and I decided that I was ready to join TTF and start posting myself.

I think I will start a journal on here so instead of telling my whole story I will just give a brief description of where I currently find myself. I've been married to my husband for a little over two years and we have a young daughter. We've just gotten to a place of being ready to try for a second. I thought things were going very well with my H, we were in a very loving forward moving place. And then right in the middle of all of this, I find out yet again that my H has been back into P. He's been using it and hiding it from me for the last 6 months or so. This isn't my first realization of this being an issue...and unfortunately I don't have much hope right now that it will be the last. Just like so many others out there it's been a slow progression with him (since before we were even married), starting with him stating that it is normal and he will not give it up, and that I just need to learn to "deal with it". Then we moved to the he'll "cut back" stage. Then we moved to the "I'll take care of it", "it won't be a problem anymore"...which to me meant he was giving it up but to him meant that he would start hiding it better. Finally, when I was pregnant I wrote to him explaining the hurt that he was causing me and just spilled my heart out. He responded very positively and we wrote up a contract where he agreed to give up P. That lasted for 4 months when he fell back into it. He only confessed when I confronted him about it. Then we did another contract where he again promised to give it up P, but that is he relapsed he would tell me within 48 hours. Well, he didn't tell me, and he did it all on his work laptop (that goes with him everywhere) so that there would be no way I would find out. But again, when I confronted him, he confessed. He said that he always knew he'd tell me if I asked. I am feeling so betrayed. Since the last contract he has reassured me time after time that it was in check and that he was not secretive and was not hiding anything from me. It was all a bunch of lies. So now, here I am, AGAIN, trying to pick up the pieces of broken trust and a broken heart and trying to move forward.

I've been crying for 2 weeks since I found out, trying to process all of this. I love my husband very much, but right now I almost wish I didn't, because then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Well, this wasn't a short as I thought it would be...so thank you to anyone out there who read through this all.

[Charly22]

I hope you do start a journal. I hate that we have to, but am glad that we are able to have a place like TTF, to learn and share and grow, gain strength, learn compassion, learn tough love, its alot to sort out, and surely not something to go through alone.

Your story mirrors mine. One thing I think i can say with certainty, they can't do it alone neither....I used to believe my husband that he could do it on his own. I wanted to believe him. I think he believed it. But history tells otherwise.

Perhaps your husband would benefit from being here. Either way, thanks for sharing your story with us, and I look forward to your journal.

[JenMac]

Welcome raining! I too am glad you are here! TTF is a blessing for so many of us. I hope you will find it is for you as well!
I am sorry for your heartache raining! I am sorry that you are in this place in your life, during what should be a joyous time for you.
The fallout from this upheaval in our lives runs deep raining. I think it even surprised me how deeply it affected me, and the length of time needed to deal with all of it. Healing from this takes time. It doesn't happen overnight. And when the behaviour keeps happening, it only makes it harder.
I hope you will find TTF to be helpful to both you and your H raining. There is nothing quite like the warmth and encouragement from others who have been through what you have. There are so many wise and caring people here at TTF who will support you through this most difficult time in your life.
Wishing you peace raining! Keep coming back!
Jenn