The vicious circle - there should be an end

[Serafim]

Hello, I am Serafim and I am in the late 30s (age).
I have been addicted to P for the last 15 years. And addicted to MB from 21 years.
It all started with the cable TV. And the ‘bonus’ package you get - with those channels…
P is an enemy I cannot fight successfully. Yes, I had my clean periods some of which lasted for months, for several months, maybe almost an year… And then with one go, for one night – fall down again.
I found religion on mature age – orthodox Christian. My faith supports me in my battle with P. Normally after I fall down, I go to confession which restores the balance in my soul. My faith in God is that part of me that I mostly respect.
However I cannot overcome my addiction to P. the temptation is very strong and it lasts until the moment of emptiness and the bitter taste I feel after watching P and/or MB.
In the last year I’ve got a health problem. This much decreased my strengths to resist the P temptation. And I fell down many times. Many. Health should not be an excuse, I guess. I’ve done this when my health was perfect.
I’ve found this forum via searching in Google. I hope it complements my tools (mainly my faith in God and compassion to those that are forced to participate in P movies ). And to know how the persons here are fighting with this crap.
I am clean for 8 days. That’s for beginning.

[Charly22]

Welcome. TTF is a perfect tool. And I'm glad that you realize you need those tools. I hope you'll start a journal and stay with us and gain strength and knowledge and inspiration to never give up the fight against this soul destroying force.

[truetome]

Hi Serafim,
Welcome to TTF. You will find here that the vicious circle is not unique to you here. There are many like us on this board. For me, I am powerless over lust and would turn to it through P amd MB to escape reality. This addiction has made my life unmanigable and nearly cost me everything that I really value in life but most of all it claimed part of my soul. Through therapy, SA and now this board I am reclaiming my life one day at a time. I have been P free for 3 years and have not MB for 19 months. It was not easy at first and there are still bad days. But I have come to find this is a battle I will have to fight for the rest of my life. And through a lot of pain and struggle it is a battle I cannot fight alone. I hope you will find through the support of this online community and whatever other support you can find the peace in knowing that being an addict to P will not define you. It is just one aspect of the many qualities you have. I find since I have joined this board and just writing what I am feeling in a truly honest and heartfelt way that the struggle and stresses of life which serve as fuel for addiction are removed from within me. And you will have the support of so many here. Use your faith in God to guide you and let others that share your pain support you. Come here often and share. I thank you for it as do others.

Eight days a good beginning. It is one day at a time, or one hour depending on how strong the pull is. Don't give in and don't turn back. I'm glad you are here.
Matt

[Disillusioned]

Welcome to TTF, Serafim. There are lots of folks that have walked in the same path you find yourself right now. Lots of us who understand or are trying to. I don't know what your health limitations are, but I do know if they influence your ability to be physically active, things will be harder to achieve here, but not impossible.
I hope you can identify when you are most likely to break and give in. Then, try to find something else to do at that time...something that is strong enough to pull you away from P and MB. You may only have to tell yourself, "I can do this and last for an hour without giving in," at first. But it is worth it. It will be worth not being a slave to lies and heartache. It will be worth taking the higher road in your life and being present in it.
Good luck on your journey here.
disillusioned

[Serafim]

Dear friends,
thanks for your words and encouragement.

@Charly, yes indeed, I'll start my daily journal soon.

@ Matt, I agree that addiction to P does not qualify a person completely, he still has other features, good features. I feel that for me P masks, covers many aspects of my personality. however they're still there- heart's there, soul's there. Removing P from my life will, I hope,
make me express these nice qualities that as a human I have. That leads me to the severe trade-off: P or life with real values. The fact that I am aware of this does not always keep me, unfortunately, away from my addiction... I'll keep trying.

@Disillusoined thanks for the practical advices. I'll try to follow it when the hard days come. I like your expression that it's worth to be present in our own life.

[Serafim]

P is a liar.
It captures you with promises for great emotions. And it leaves you as empty as one can be. It takes away the self-respect and joy of everyday life. I write this because I don't want to forget it.

[mell]

Hello Serafim and welcome to TTF,

Glad to see you here, just wanted to pop in and say hi. You are among friends here. Looking forward to reading more from you.

I've found that recovery requires as much support as we can get. TTF is a great tool. The membership here is awesome and is more than willing to help out. A significant part of my own recovery is reaching out to others.

Best wishes to you on your journey.