hi all

[blueandgold11]

hey everyone
it saddens me that i have to be posting here, but i don't know where else to go at the moment :/
i'm an 18yo guy, single (and always have been) and in first year uni.
i've been exposed to p since i was about 14, found out about it from schoolmates, and i was more curious than anything. i never really thought i had a problem until this year, although i would always be very secretive about it and never told anyone, even though it was perfectly accepted among peers.
for a long time i was conflicted because i was leading a double life - in person all my closest friends are girls and i love them dearly, and i wouldn't ever think of them like objects, but whenever i could have access to p i would be a completely different person. i lied to a lot of people about p, just because i was embarrassed to admit to it and i didn't want to think i had a problem.
so earlier this year i came to the realisation that it wasn't right for me to lie to my friends, and objectify people with the same parts, and i made my first really serious attempt to quit. i became much more of a feminist, and i felt truly sorry for the harm i felt i had caused. i confessed about p to most of my close female friends (i didn't want to talk to male friends about it because they would tell me not to quit, seeing as they do it too). what surprised me though was that none of my friends were even disappointed to find this out, they all said it was normal and i didn't have to quit. nevertheless i fought as hard as i could to resist p, filtered my net and gave the pw to my best friend, and i stayed clean for 106 days. since then however, i have struggled to get going again. only once have i made it to a week, and i have relapsed very frequently, even multiple times per day. it feels like i'm not trying. when i started before, i let a lot of self-hate just consume me in the hope it would turn me off p, but now i am just feeling guilty about it all the time, but equally i can't make myself stay off it.
i worry that i'm not strong enough to beat it for good, that i'll never make my friends proud of me. i've never had a girlfriend, only seriously liked someone this year, i'm a little childish by my own admission. but i'm scared to think that i might meet the right person and not be good enough for them because of my pa.
i was raised in a very conservative family, i'm always paranoid that my parents or sisters will find out about p.
oh and i'm an atheist, so good luck to you if your beliefs help you, but please don't force them onto me? thanks.
i hope some of you guys can give me the guidance i need to take the first step again.
thanks :/

[JenMac]

Welcome to TTF Blue and Gold!
You have made a great decision to come here! And let me tell you that I am always inspired by those who choose of their own volition to make their way to a P free life. That says something, in my opinion!
B&G, I think your description of yourself as being childish is off a little here. While it may be true in some aspects in your life, let me tell you that your recognition of this as a problem in your life, is anything but childish. In fact, I would say you are well ahead of your friends who think p is harmless. You know how this is affecting you, how this is drawing you in despite your distaste for it. You know how this is changing your thoughts and how it can be damaging to your self esteem and moral compass. That is not childish B&G, that is very wise!
B&G, I hope you find TTF to be the blessing in your life as it has been in mine. I am an SO who has been here for 19 months. This place is full of wonderful and wise people who can help to support and guide you on your path to a better life. I encourage you to start a journal in the recovering journal section and to consider putting a filter on your computers. Many have found that to be important to their recovery!
All the best B&G! May you find strength by being here!
Jenn

[life-cubed]

You are amongst friends here! You sound like you are from the U.K. - same here.

Your Brain on porn / Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's internet P, is an amazing site that I was staggered and pleased to discover has NO religious bias, as I am also atheist.

I spent days reading the accounts and comments. They gave hope, inspiration and motivation.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Blue and Gold

I welcome you to TTF, and I am sure, you will be happy that you joined us here.

We have one goal here at TTF, and that is, helping all who ask for it. and by you being here, it shows you want help, and you are asking for it. I am so impressed in that you are doing this at such a young age. by you doing it now, you will be able to recover, and have a much better life, as you continue to get older.

I am also impressed in how you want this addiction out of your life, before you find that special someone, and wanting a lifetime with her. Relationships will never survive when we allow P to be a part of it. This addiction just robs us, from the true emotions, Love, Respect, and truthfulness, that we need to give to our partners, so getting it out of your life now, will surely give you a better chance in having a wonderful relationship, that is real, and respectful.

You have said you tried this many times, and once went over a 100 days. then you said you had a tough time in getting started again. I feel that if you come here, read through others journals in what they are doing to fight this addiction, this will be a start to a new recovery. there is no reason as to why you can not do this.
To me, it sounds like you are motivated in stopping this, and getting it out of your life for good. And if it is in your Heart to stop this addiction, then you will do it, and you are on your way to true happiness in your life, without this beast being in it. So do what you can, starting RIGHT NOW, to fight this addiction, and do so, with all that you have.

You are strong enough to beat this for good. the one thing that you have now, that you didn't have in the past, is support, and encouragement, that is needed to help you through it. you now have a group of people, who are very willing to help you in getting on the right path. We also have many younger people like yourself, who may understand in what you are going through, and they will be very helpful in your struggles.

Again, I am happy that you found us here, and I wish you the best in your recovery. You will be ok, if you just stick with your recovery

Gerald

[blueandgold11]

thank you all so much, it means a lot to have your support :) being able to talk about it is half the battle really.
jenmac, i have had my internet filtered with k9 for about six months, but ever since i slipped up the first time, i have found ways around it when i had strong urges for p. i did use exception blocking to make sure i couldnt get back through most of those loopholes, but there is one way that i can't block because it's partly a legit site that my sister uses on my comp, and exception blocking it would raise questions that i can't answer. so it remains something i have to resist on my own :/ then again, i shouldn't expect it to be made easy for me, it requires a whole-hearted effort that i haven't been giving it of late.
life-cubed, i'm actually from australia, but nice to meet you regardless :)
and gerald, its really touching how much you have gone out of your way to make me feel welcome :) it's true, i found when i stayed off p for a long time, i appreciated everyone around me so much more, felt a lot more love and respect for people as you said. it felt like i was waiting for something to happen before i got stuck into it again, as much as i didn't like not taking the initiative myself - maybe coming here is that something. thank you all, and best wishes with your own struggles with this menace.

[mell]

Hello Blue and Gold and welcome to TTF!

As Jenn said, it is very impressive that you recognize p as a problem at a young age. Be proud of that! Many of us, including myself, went on acting out for years, before we recognized this as a problem.

Having someone to talk to about this is vital to recovery, IMO. That's why we are here and that's why we are willing to reach out to others - it helps us in our own recovery.

You said you were an athiest, I respect that and I hope you do not consider this preaching. A common thread among many addicts is a 'need' to control things. Twelve step groups teach us to find a higher power. The higher power does not have to be religeous at all. The concept is admitting there is something out there that is bigger than we are. It could be a group (I consider TTF to be a higher power), nature, or anything else of our own choosing. I look at it as a form of accountability. I know I need help and I can't do this on my own. I need to reach out.

Wishing you the very best, and hope to see you around. You are among friends here.