The starting point

[ZazenReborn]

Hi everyone!

I finally gathered enough strenght to begin posting on the forums and start to make changes in my life, step by step. I have found out about TTF for more than a couple years ago, but did not had what it took to begin participating.

I am a 21 years old man, I have a girlfriend for almost 3 years, and I'm currently going to University.

I have been exposed to P since I was 13, mostly influenced by my school colleagues. What I once thought was a normal habit, did not turned out that way. I had phases where I wouldn't get any P, not even M. Normally, those phases where when I was in love with someone. That same thing happened to when I was first in love with my actual girlfriend. I got away from P completely for some time, what may have lasted a little more than six months. Then, slowly, things started to happen differently.

I started M again, telling myself there wouldn't be any problem in that situation. As I wasn't still intimately involved with her, I led myself to believe that was only a natural need I was going through. That may have really been it, but soon I started looking the internet for stimulation. I raised a wall bigger than ever before around my PA. I have known this site from before I started dating, what made me know I had got a problem. As I knew I had got a problem, I did my best to elude myself into believing everything was under control.

From the point I am right now, I am very power deprived in the matters of this situation. My PA did not stopped naturally, as I would have always thought it would. Reading books on the subject, as well as even reading the forums here at TTF now and then did not give me the strength to break this habit. Of course, I was not compromised in changing anything. I was tricking myself that knowing about the situation was enough for me to handle it, when I wanted too. I led myself into thinking I could stop my PA when I wanted to. What an illusion...

I have a lot of positive points that motivate me into breaking this habit. One of them is my relationship with my girlfriend. She hates P. She once told me the following, when we saw a movie which brought the subject of P on: "Oh... I would feel really bad if I was in that woman's place. My self-esteem would get at it lowest level, knowing that he would rather use P than be with me." That broke my heart. I finally realized I wasn't just tricking myself, but her as well. When I started dating her, I thought to myself honesty would be a must in our relationship. I do not want to hurt her by telling her about my PA, but do not want to hide it as well. That showed me it was time to change my habits, if I wanted to be honest to her again.

As for my other motivations, they are related to what I want to be as a person. I am religious, and strongly believe P takes me away from all that I try to seek in my prays and beliefs.

Another subject is the amount of wasted time I accumulate in the end of the week or day. Maybe more than 10 hours per week! That sure is a lot of time, and I want to use it in healthier habits, such as studying or doing exercises.

As a final objective, I want to stop blaming myself and get rid of all the guilt stuck in me. That has been related to my failures in the past in solving my PA problems, hurting myself and others.

I am very glad to have found this community, where I can get support, support others, and make my struggles out of secrecy.

May we all grow together toward our healing!


Zazen

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Zazen

I am happy that you found your way to TTF though it is sad you need to be here, I am glad that you are, and I welcome you.

Fighting this addiction, is a tough battle. but by being here, reading through other journals, you will be able to see what they are going through, and what they have done, to try to get this addiction out of there lives. When it comes to fighting this addiction, you are not in anyway, alone. there is a army of people here, who will step in, and help y with this battle. WE ARE STRONGER IN NUMBERS AGAINST THIS BEAST.

A few steps that you can do, to get you started

If you have any files on your computer that contains any type of P, delete them now.

It is always good to install a filter on your computer, so you cant get to any of your old places to act out.

Find a good plan, that will work for you with this problem. have a plan what you will do when you get a urge to click away back in the darkness. when something triggers you, learn how to erase those thoughts that are causing you to be triggered.
Just do what it takes to keep you away from this addiction.

I am a very firm believer that if you are determined in your heart to stop this behavior, you will be able to do it. and it does sound to me, that you truly do what this out of your life. and my friend, you are already on the road to freedom from this crap. Just by you admitting that you have a problem, and that you are asking for help, are the first to major steps in your recovery.

The one thing that I like, is that you want this out of your life now, while you are still young. you say you have a girlfriend, and I do believe that you are aware what this addiction, does to any relationship. I am happy that you are fixing it now.

So please keep coming back, don't be afraid to ask for help if needed. our goal here, is to help each other getting through the struggles, that come, in ridding ourselves from this addiction

I do wish you the best in your recovery. I hope to see you back here soon

Gerald