New member's story

[PDXphoenix]

After joining this site months ago I am finally returning to post and attempt to come clean. It's been extremely difficult to admit that I have a problem, that I'm addicted. Not admitting this (even in an online forum) has allowed me to ignore the problem and pretend I am not addicted. But I do and here is a bit about how I am addicted. Maybe by sharing here and making it public I will finally become real to me.<br><br>I'm not an expert on alcoholism, but I know there are two kinds: binge drinkers and those that need a drink to function daily. If I were to relate my situation to alcoholism, I would be a binge P user. I can stay clean for weeks. But eventually something will trigger my cravings. I'll be doing something innocently on my computer and then it will start. I'll start with something that is not too bad and spiral downward from there. Sometimes the binge can last a few weeks.&nbsp;It builds to the point where I am using daily and going straight to the bad stuff. It will then get to a very low point and I'll snap out of it, make a bunch of promises to myself and get clean for a while...until the cycle starts again. There's always something that will trigger my usage, some excuse I use to justify my use: stress, I've been good and deserve it, fill-in-the-excuse. The problem with cycling like this is that the low points keep getting lower and it gets harder to climb back out. The binges get longer, the clean periods get shorter.<br><br>I've never told anyone that I have a problem. I didn't even think I had a problem until I saw this site. There were so many things that resonated with me from some of the posts and articles. My relationship is suffering, I objectify women, I can't stop, I feel terrible...the list goes on and there doesn't seem to be an issue on&nbsp;my list that someone here has not felt.<br><br>So what's different this time from my previous attempts to quit? Well, I'm semi-publicly admitting I have a problem. Hopefully that is a first step. Writing it out is helping...makes is seem more real. My wife is suffering and she doesn't even know why. This breaks my heart that I could secretly hurt her and I am just starting to recognize how much damage I have done to our relationship. I really am too old to be continuing with P. These are some of the revelations that I hope will keep me clean, but mostly I hope this community will help me and maybe one day my post will help inspire someone else to quit.<br><br>Here it goes...day 1...

[JenMac]

Welcome PDX!
You have found a wonderful resource to assist you on your way to recovery when you found TTF! It is a blessing in the lives of so many of us!
I am an SO here along with my H mac and we have been here since April 2010. TTF has been instrumental on our path to healing and recovery from this intrusion in our lives. The support and friendship of so many here has made us feel so much less alone during this time, as this is something we chose not to share with the people in our lives.
By what you have written, I assume your wife is not aware of your difficulties. I am always inspired by those who are here of their own doing. To me that shows an understanding of how much this is affecting you. That is important because awareness is the first step in recovering from any addiction. If your wife is aware or if you intend to make her aware, I would suggest she join TTF as well as there is support and wisdom to be gained here for her as well, and she will need it.
PDX, I encourage you to start a journal in the recovering journal section. It is also helpful to many to install a filter on their computer.
Come here often! And continue reading! The understanding of what this has done to your thinking has only just begun. It will be a continuing process to change but it is worth every step from what I have witnessed!
All the best!
Jenn

[mell]

Hello PDX and welcome to TTF!

Glad you started to post. You will recieve support here from others who are walking the same path. The only way to get out of the addictive behaviors is to get them out of the dark and ask for help.

I have been in recovery for several years now and I can tell you that it requires life changes. It may sound impossible at first, but through continued recovery it does get better.

I would suggest you also look into 12 step recovery groups. SAA and SA are nationwide. There is nothing better than being able to meet and talk with other addicts.

Wishing you the best, hope to see you around.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

PDX

I would like to welcome you here to TTF

You have chosen to do the right thing, in coming here to get help with this problem. there are so many other addicts here, who will understand what you are going through.
In the beginning, you may feel that this is just to damn hard to do, but in all honesty, it is not all that hard, if it is truly in your heart, to want this crap out of your life.

If you was to find a plan to work for you, in ridding yourself from this addiction, and work this plan, it will make is so much easier for you to get through.

Also if you have any hidden files on your computer, please my friend, delete them now. if you don't, I assure you, that you will look at them, when the temptations are there.

It is also a good ideal to put an filter on your computer, so you will be blocked out of the sites, you normally do go to. (Jenn also pointed this out to you)

Mell has touched on this already, but SAA or SA meeting will prove to be a great tools for getting rid of this addiction. though this site here, will prove to help you, there is nothing like being face to fave, with so many others, who are dealing in the same things as you are. Also, the have a list at the meetings, of people to call, when you feel you need to talk. I have been going to SAA for a year now, and it has proven to be the best thing I could have done.

Whether you know it or not, you have already started on your recovery. (1) You admit to yourself, that you do have a problem with P, AND(2) You are asking for help.

Jenn also suggested that you start your own journal here. by doing this, and letting us know how you are doing, we can help you. this is why we are here. we come for help, and we try to help others. we need this support, because as you well know already, none of us, can do this on our own.

I wish you the best on this journey to freedom. freedom from this crap, that has proven to do else, but to destroy us, and all who we love. just know it can be done my friend. I am 55 years old, and have had this addiction for over 40 years, and I am just 2 weeks away from having a year clean from it, and I have never felt better.

Stay strong, and I will check in on you

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[waterlily327]

Hi PDX, I am glad you found TTF! I am an SO here, with my fiancé Rockinastorm and I can tell you from firsthand experience this site has been a life-saver (or, more adequately, a relationship saver) for both myself and my fiancé.

I have some suggestions for getting started here:
--if you have any p***, get rid of it
--Get an internet web filter, such as K-9, and have your wife or someone else you trust set the password
--Read through the Recovery journals...you are NOT alone in this addiction, so learn from others here
--Read through SO journals to understand how this addiction has affected your wife, and to better understand how to help her through this
--Be honest with your wife
--Start a recovery journal and make a habit of posting…my fiancé’s signature here is “Habit overcomes Habit”. Replace your p*** use with posting on TTF, getting and giving support to others in a similar situation to you

You have already done the hardest part: realizing that you need help. Being honest with your wife is very important here, but it will be difficult. Lean on others for support. You have a lot of people here rooting for your successful recovery!

[truetome]

Hi PDX,
Welcome to TTF! I joined this site about a month ago but have been P free and sober for 19 months. Thank you for coming here and sharing what you are going through. Your story is very similar to mine. The damage to my marriage was severe. My SO did not think we would make it. I struggled coming to grips of having an addiction. Like JennMAC, Gerald and the others replied keep coming here. Try to find support through SAA or SA. Read the posts of others and the posts of SO's. I can tell you it has done wonders for me. P and MB fuels isolation and despair and I did not realize it until long after I started my journey in recovery. I still struggle in asking for help because I am the type of person that has difficulty taking help from anyone for anything. Just last night I started my recovery journal. My plan is try and come on here every night and write because once the thoughts are out of your mind and in writing they tend not to live inside you and for me it is a form of liberation. I hope to read more of what you are going through because it does help me feel like I am not alone in this. For me understanding how I got here was a huge part in wanting to recover. I am one of the ones rooting for your successful recovery!!
Matt

[Serafim]

Hello PDX
respect and support for the new path you're determined to follow.
I'm also a newcomer here.
I think you've presented very well the complexity of the fight with P:
- the temptation comes unexpectedly, often after a long clean period;
- we did not realise that we are really...addicted. Yes, my friend, I knew I had a problem with watching P. I thought I might be addicted when I've read an interview with a victim (actor) of a P industry who is now having a recovery. Here with the knowledge I've found I must admit that the problem is not just a problem but addiction.
Realizing the truth is the first step, everybody says.
I wish you a courage and light in the personal fight that you, and we, are all having !