Keep failing so its time to try something new.

[ocja0201]

Well I guess I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't feel like I have a very big problem. I have watched many people succumb to drug addictions, video game addictions, alcohol, gambling and other vices. I was always so proud of the fact that I didn't manage to get dragged down by those things, I dodged many bullets and yet one got me. I didn't really realize how badly I was wounded until about a year and a half now. I had gotten hooked when I was about 12 or 13, I knew it was wrong but I always managed to rationalize it. At first it was hard to find material but later with the advent of the internet it became so easy I could not escape it. Gradually it sucked me in and wouldn't let go, it got to the point that I could not sleep until I had my nightly fix. It has completely corrupted my innocence I can no longer look at a woman without seeing parts as an object of my lust. Try as I might this addiction seems to have got me firmly in its grasp. I know I will just feel guilty afterwards and the shame will not be worth the stimulus and yet I cannot help myself I have gone months without P and yet I find myself weakened by some trivial temptation and right back into the mud-hole I go. I went so far as to smash my network adapter and yet it is nigh impossible to live without internet these days. I have tried filters, I have tried will power, I have tried to use my faith as a shield against it and nothing seems to work. I have never tried something like this so here is to hoping that this will make the difference.

[mell]

Hi ocja and welcome to TTF!

You will find a lot of support and advice from many who walk the same path. I would advise you to read some of the articles and journals and start a journal of your own.

Hope to see you around.

[ocja0201]

where is the journal function?

[JenMac]

Hi ocja!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you have found your way here!
The recovery journal section is on the main forum page and is for recovering PAs. The SO journal section is for partners of PAs and is in the on the main forum page as well.
I know you will find much support and guidance here! Take your time to find your way around, you will be glad you did!
All the best on your way to recovery from this addiction!
Jenn

[metalfossil]

Hello ocja,

Welcome.

I have found that by coming to this incredible place, that the urge does disipate over time. I've tried on my own on numerous occasions not give in to The Beast. Make no mistake, you are in the clutches of a very selfish entity. IT doesn't care about anything except making sure you know your place. It is selfish and wants you all to itself.

TTF offers a very healthy crutch to lean on. The pain in some of the journals is heartwrenching and gives me the inspiration to stay clean. And I never ever want to see the pain in my SO's eyes when she just knows I've been acting out.

Visit here, read the journals. Read my threads.

....and as Mell said, commence a journal it is very cathartic.

MF

Well I guess I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't feel like I have a very big problem. I have watched many people succumb to drug addictions, video game addictions, alcohol, gambling and other vices. I was always so proud of the fact that I didn't manage to get dragged down by those things, I dodged many bullets and yet one got me. I didn't really realize how badly I was wounded until about a year and a half now. I had gotten hooked when I was about 12 or 13, I knew it was wrong but I always managed to rationalize it. At first it was hard to find material but later with the advent of the internet it became so easy I could not escape it. Gradually it sucked me in and wouldn't let go, it got to the point that I could not sleep until I had my nightly fix. It has completely corrupted my innocence I can no longer look at a woman without seeing parts as an object of my lust. Try as I might this addiction seems to have got me firmly in its grasp. I know I will just feel guilty afterwards and the shame will not be worth the stimulus and yet I cannot help myself I have gone months without P and yet I find myself weakened by some trivial temptation and right back into the mud-hole I go. I went so far as to smash my network adapter and yet it is nigh impossible to live without internet these days. I have tried filters, I have tried will power, I have tried to use my faith as a shield against it and nothing seems to work. I have never tried something like this so here is to hoping that this will make the difference.

[burnedout]

I have watched many people succumb to drug addictions, video game addictions, alcohol, gambling and other vices. I was always so proud of the fact that I didn't manage to get dragged down by those things, I dodged many bullets and yet one got me.

You've hit the nail on the head IMO, ocja. I felt superior to all the winos, potheads, cokeheads, and whatever-else-heads I saw falling by the wayside as I made my way through life. No longer. This has been a humbling experience, and it's not over yet. Welcome.
John