I'm anxious and depressed.

[Erik]

Hey, I'm Erik and I'm 18 years old. I've been MBing since as long as I can remember, I started when I was very little. I don't remember where or how I learnt to do it, I just did it a lot. Then at some point in middle school I started to get into porn as a distraction from my anxieties. It felt good, it was an escape from my painful life.

Anyways, fast forward to today and I'd like to think I've been pretty screwed up by the porn industry. Not only has it affected the way I perceive others, but because I'm gay, it's affected the way I see myself. Bombarded with a seemingly endless line of what a guy should look like, I have virtually no self-esteem. And a year ago I even started acting out what I would see in porn. Guys would use me and toss me aside like nothing and oddly enough my brain was twisted around enough by porn to actually enjoy it.

However, 5 days ago I reached my breaking point. I was sitting at my computer with my wallet.. I was about to purchase my first subscription to a porn website. Though Instead of buying it, I broke down sobbing. I was realizing all of the pain this addiction was causing me and resolved to give up porn for good. I haven't looked at it since, I've wanted to, but I'm trying hard not to give into P or MB. It's really hard though... I'm anxious, I'm depressed and I don't want to get up in the morning. Is any of that normal when giving up something like this? These feelings I am facing now without porn are awful and I wonder if it was worth giving up if I have to feel like this.

[metalfossil]

Hi Erik,

I'm sorry that you're in such a lot of pain.

Regarding feeling the way you do because you have given up p. Whatever you are feeling that is normal. I also felt that p was a lifeline to an escape. However IT is a cruel master and will badger away at you to look and derive pleasure from it. However the escape is fleeting and guilt soon replaces elation. It becomes a never ending viscous cycle that is soul destroying.

Congratulations on being strong enough for not purchasing that subscription.

At the moment It might seem it's not worth it, but please hang in there and use TTF as your guiding light away from p.

MF

Hey, I'm Erik and I'm 18 years old. I've been MBing since as long as I can remember, I started when I was very little. I don't remember where or how I learnt to do it, I just did it a lot. Then at some point in middle school I started to get into porn as a distraction from my anxieties. It felt good, it was an escape from my painful life.

Anyways, fast forward to today and I'd like to think I've been pretty screwed up by the porn industry. Not only has it affected the way I perceive others, but because I'm gay, it's affected the way I see myself. Bombarded with a seemingly endless line of what a guy should look like, I have virtually no self-esteem. And a year ago I even started acting out what I would see in porn. Guys would use me and toss me aside like nothing and oddly enough my brain was twisted around enough by porn to actually enjoy it.

However, 5 days ago I reached my breaking point. I was sitting at my computer with my wallet.. I was about to purchase my first subscription to a porn website. Though Instead of buying it, I broke down sobbing. I was realizing all of the pain this addiction was causing me and resolved to give up porn for good. I haven't looked at it since, I've wanted to, but I'm trying hard not to give into P or MB. It's really hard though... I'm anxious, I'm depressed and I don't want to get up in the morning. Is any of that normal when giving up something like this? These feelings I am facing now without porn are awful and I wonder if it was worth giving up if I have to feel like this.

[likeafish34]

Erik,
Welcome. This is a great place to come for support.
There are many reasons why people use P, but I think that escape is a very common one.
I also suffer from anxiety and depression and there have been many times when it has felt that my only escape from the pain is to drown my self in P.
As MF says, "the escape is only fleeting". After I have used it I am overwhelmed with guilt, shame, self-loathing and anxiety.
For me PA is definitely fueled by my anxiety and depression, but it is also one of the main causes of anxiety and depression.
My suggestion would be that in addition to abstaining from P through strength of will, try to work on the anxiety and depression. Try to find ways to improve your mental well being and there will be less reason to use P to escape.
Don't get me wrong, I know how hard it is, but for me I know that I must improve my mental health if I am to succeed in my recovery.

Whatever you do, keep coming back and posting. You are with understanding friends here. I can recommend starting a journal.

Good luck.

[nifty]

Yeah, the defeated feeling is normal.
I get trapped in the thoughts pattern that if I give in then there would be relief and I'd feel better. But it actually does go without giving in. Give it time and it will pass. Yeah, it'll probably come back again, but then it will pass again, if you stick to your guns.
Just trying to say that this feels hopeless, but step by step you'll get there.

Is there anything you've tried to work through this? Are you talking to anyone? Thought about getting a filter, anything like that?

Anyway, welcome to the site. It's good to have another young face around here!

[waterlily327]

Hi Erik, I am really glad you found TTF. I am a 22 year old significant other (SO) here with my fiancé, Rockinastorm. Working on overcoming this addiction while you are young will help you so much. In the time that I have been here, my relationship has improved drastically. You have your whole life ahead of you to build happy, healthy relationships. This addiction doesn’t only affect your relationship with partners, but with family and friends as well because it will consume you. You were smart enough to realize you needed help now. That is the first step in getting over this addiction.

I have some tips that might help you get started:
--Get rid of any and all p*** that you have on your computer, movies, magazines, etc.
--Install a web filter, such as K-9 (its free, so no excuses!)
--Start a recovery journal here on TTF
--Figure out what a full recovery means for you (for some people that is no p***, for others, it is no p***, no MB, etc.) and make a plan to achieve that goal (i.e. when you want to look at p***, come here instead!)
--If there is someone you can lean on for support and that you trust, talk to them OR find an accountability partner here
--Read though Recovery and SO’s journals here...it is very powerful seeing other’s experiences mirror your own, and realize how damaging the effects of this addiction are on both sides

Becoming an active member of TTF will help build a support system of those who are going through similar experiences will help your recovery. You have made a HUGE step in the right direction by coming here and asking for help. Kick this addiction out of your life while you are still young and you will have a lifetime of happy, healthy relationships in front of you. Feel free to private message me if you need anything!

[Erik]

Thank you all for taking the time to help and support me. It means a lot. I will admit that since I've started this thread I have fallen off the wagon and pretty much gave up trying to fight it. However, after reading your posts I believe I am going to try harder. I'll look for a sponsor, a filter and maybe write a journal. Thanks again!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Thank you all for taking the time to help and support me. It means a lot. I will admit that since I've started this thread I have fallen off the wagon and pretty much gave up trying to fight it. However, after reading your posts I believe I am going to try harder. I'll look for a sponsor, a filter and maybe write a journal. Thanks again!

Hey erik

Sorry to hear that you fell off the wagon, but I loved hearing that you are going to try to fight harder. All we can do is try, and put up a good hard fight against this beast, all of us are fighting.

I will be looking forward in reading more from you. I just want to remind you, that you can do this. you can free yourself from this addiction. What is wonderful about it now, is that you do not have to try to do it on your own anymore. We are here for you, we all will do whatever we can, to help you to stay on the right course, so you can find that freedom, freedom from the darkness that P brings to us.

Just the fact that you are trying to do this at a very young age is amazing, and it also helps other young addict, to see that there is hope, in getting this crap out of there lives, before this beast, has a chance, to get a stronger hold on you. so keep coming back, let us know, how you are doing, lets us help you, we all what to see you free from this crap

Good luck to you erik. hope to see you back here soon

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[Serafim]

Hello Erik
do not give up my friend. I'm happy you're determined to keep trying and to lift up on the wagon again.
I'm sure your train leads to: life, light and the persons you love. P isolates us and we're less careful, if at all, to these values.
Trying to get rid of this addiction on early age will bring many joy and content in your life.
I'm about twice your age and I wish I had the courage and determination to fight this addiction much earlier. But it's never too late, they say.
You have my full support.

[Evidence_of_Grace]

Erik,

I'm glad you took the first step in realizing that you are struggling with something that is greater than yourself and your own power to overcome! I echo the other posters in saying that TTF is a good tool in your arsenal against this struggle but is by far not the only one you'll need. Something I try to remember is that I have been building this habit for so many years, it will take years to break it but it can be broken!!

Please continue to share your successes but don't hold your failures inside! You may lose battles but you don't have to lose the war!