Hello Donewrongs SO here.

[Bluebird]

Hi, I'm Bluebird, I am the SO of Donewrong. I'm not sure if I've got much to say (well that's not true as I find myself shaking my head and shouting at some of the other PA's posts) but that's probably not helpful.

I've also felt such sorrow for the SO's stories that I've read and while I am still angry and upset that DW kept this from me for over 10yrs, I am grateful that he has gone above and beyond to try and fix things (and I don't deserve any less by the way!).

Early on,when we were still dating I noticed a magazine subscription and I made it very, VERY clear when we were dating that this was NOT something I would want in my life but DW lied to me then, and ever since.

Through our whole relationship I always felt there was something....but he was the best friend, great provider, always helpful, always considerate but still...no matter how much he said he loved me, couldn't live without me, there was no intimacy.

If there is one thing that angers me the most is that at what point did my life choices not matter. At what point did DW decide that his choice to watch PA was more important than my choice to not have it in my life. When did my life and choice become the property of DW's to dictate what information I should be given...."so as not to hurt me" I am not a child.

This affects my life I have a right, YES A RIGHT to not have my husband keep secrets that clearly are impacting MY LIFE. Had he told me in our vows that "I will not be foresaking all others but on a regular basis will indulge my fantasy of looking at numerous women throughout our whole marriage and eventually totally withdrawing from our intimate relationship" Would I have said "I DO".....NO of course not.......I SHOULD OF HAD THE CHOICE....Now we are here. Hmmmm, still quite a bit of anger there.

So hello......wish I wasn't here but glad there is a place to be.

[JenMac]

HI Bluebird!
I am glad you found us!
I totally get what you are saying, as I have said the very same things to my H Mac. I had a right to know. I had a right to decide what I would live with in my life. I had a right to choose whether to stay or go. That right was taken from me. And I must say I wasn't angry much, but I remember being angry at one point and saying exactly that!
It is certainly not fair the spot we have been put in. It is not what we expect from the person who means the most to us. But here we are. And so we have decisions to make and boundaries to set and healing to do. HOw we manage that is dependent on many things, but the fact that you are here together with your H says a lot. I hope you will both find this place to be the blessing it has been for mac and I. I am not sure where we would be without it.
I am glad you are here Bluebird. May you find peace and healing!
Jenn

[Charly22]

So hello......wish I wasn't here but glad there is a place to be.

Welcome Bluebird. I am glad that there is a place to be as well. I am glad to be able to share with others who know what I am feeling, and understand, instead of keeping it inside, not talking about it to anyone, avoiding it, not dealing with it, allowing it to become very unhealthy for me. I am so thankful for the strength and support that I gained from this website, I hope you do the same.

If I had one thing to ask of you, or any other SO, Please don't allow yourself to become lost in all of this. Please be proud of who you are and don't ever think this is your fault, or has anything to do with you, or anything you might be lacking. This is the farthest thing from the truth. Please don't allow this to consume you, and know that you MUST force yourself to look out for you through all of this. Please don't forget who you are, the things that are important to you, your friends, your family, please don't allow this to isolate you. Pamper yourself, take care of yourself through this. Put you first until you are shown otherwise. I hope this doesn't sounds harsh, and doesn't sound like I am asking you to be selfish, but the truth is, I am asking you to be selfish.

When the addiction allows neglect, we have no choice but to be selfish, or, God forbid, we lose ourselves........

[waterlily327]

Hey BlueBird! Welcome to TTF! I agree with everything that Charly said, in that you can't let yourself become lost in this. Speaking as someone who did not start taking care of themselves, I can tell you first hand how important it is. Take care of yourself! For once in your life, put yourself first. I hope you will start a journal here so we can follow your journey. I am glad you found TTF when you needed it. Good luck here Bluebird! I hope that you find the support that you need from the wonderful members of TTF!

[Bluebird]

Thanks ladies, your warm welcome and advice is appreciated.